Humor

[TheDukester]

Meh ... sorry, some of those are as old as the dinosaurs. Southwest Airlines used to do those lines all the time back when I was flying all the time in the mid-90s (it seemed to depend on the flight crew; some did the schtick, some didn't).

[TheDukester]

(Although the picture of the plane with the labels like "windows" is pretty clever ... )

[A Thing of Eternity]

Not those lines, but we have Westjet up here that does the whole funny and personal plane staff thing.

[Eyes High]

Still, that is a great way to ease the tension in flying that some people have.

Thanks for the laughs.

[Freakzilla]

Crisis in Gulf

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and stopped laying around. He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and he was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change dat had done overtook him.

Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He’s dat close, I wanna be good ta go!

[Apjak]

In late response to Freak's picture from Kulula and subsequent airline jokes list,
I offer yet another image of South African airplane humor:

[Apjak]

...and this one just for the hell of it:

[SandChigger]

(I WANT one of those hats!)

[Apjak]

I hear that they're going to be featured in "SyFy channel presents a SyFy channel original: Hats of DUNE"

[Tleszer]

[Freakzilla]

More humor from Mom:

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

[Shaitan]

You must have some kind of mother.

Catholic school girl/ballerina who got into voodoo, was born again on a Ouijia board and is now a zealot.

She's quite a character.

This explains a lot.

[Shaitan]

I hear that they're going to be featured in "SyFy channel presents a SyFy channel original: AssHats of DUNE"

There, fixed that for yahs.

[Freakzilla]

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas
The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, 'cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

[SandChigger]

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

Tell your mom thanks for this one; would work up home, too

[Freakzilla]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Tleszer]

Nice!

[SadisticCynic]

Love it!

[Shaitan]

Well, at least he got blessed first.

[Eyes High]

Well, you know I love it. Hahahaha

[Freakzilla]

BOB & THE BLONDE:





Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

and stared up at the TV.





The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story

of a

man on the ledge of a large building

preparing to jump.




The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building,
falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
so I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I
did, too,
but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

[Freakzilla]

Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".


NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'


MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV..

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

[Freakzilla]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained
T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,
Billy
Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Freakzilla]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?

[Tleszer]

*groan*