TheKeith dusts off one of his classics

[TheDukester]

It's got a new intro. (a lame attempt to tie-in with the Olympics) and a new ending (another desperate plea for actual live human beings to sign up for KevinAndBeckyFest), but the other 90 percent has already been posted more than once. Ladies and gentlemen (and you, too, SandRider), I give you that timeless classic:

Kevin J. Anderson says writing is hard work, damnit!

Here's my favorite part:

"Where does this notion come from that just anybody can write a novel, if they bothered to get around to it? I never hear the claim that just anybody can be an Olympic athlete, or a brain surgeon, or a space shuttle commander if someone would give them a cheat-sheet."

There's actually a really easy answer to this, but since Anderson The Coward never allows any comments or responses to his essays, I'll have to print it here and ask one of TheKJA's apologist bootlickers to pass it on to him. What do you say, RedBugPest? Or if you're too busy, maybe one of the other brain-dead lickspittle lackeys could handle it?

Anyway, the answer:

"Because, dumbass, writing has no minimum standards at all. There is no education or training required. Not a single test or certification has to be passed. No board or peer group reviews your work for professionalism and skill level. It's just writing. Literally anyone with a pencil and a sheet of paper can do it. Children write all the time ... but they're not allowed to perform surgery, are they?

"Among other reasons (I won't even go into your absurd dicta-hiking thing, which is speaking, not writing), that is why most people think you've never worked a day in your life, Kevin. You say you're a writer? Big fucking deal. So is my 3-year-old. You might as well say you're an astronaut. Tool."

And there you have it. Brian, be a dear and copy-paste that for your next visit over to Kevin's Very Special Treehouse, m-kay?

[Omphalos]

My reply, soon to be deleted, I'm sure.

I know you're lucky, you pretentious blowhard. I cannot believe you actually think that the tripe you publish is the result of any particular skill. Hard work; sure. I have no difficulty believing that someone as socially retarded as you must work hard at putting a novel together (though to tell you the truth, I have never read anything that you worked on alone). Let me clarify this for you. The only reason that you are popular, is because there are millions upon millions of half-adults out there who never progressed beyond the intellectual landscape of Harry Potter. You write big-boy books for children who appear in the guise of adults, and/or people who seek escape and long for the "complexity" of Beetle Bailey after a real hard day's work. Hasn't anyone ever told you how linear your books are? How one sided they are? How flat your characters are? That the appearance of depth (shadow-like, as it is) is nothing more than the fact that you borrow so much from other people who came before you? If you wish to keep that "author's" training you keep blabbing about honest, then stick to what it is you know: marketing and networking on the business side, and pandering on the "creative."

[SandChigger]

"Because my parents raised me to be polite and courteous, I’ve never actually" grown a pair and that's why I'm such a wuss.

If you look at the numbers, there are about as many New York Times bestselling authors as there are members of the various US Olympic teams. The competition among bestsellers is just as tough as the competition for medals, and your chances of success are just as slim. ... Now, I’m not comparing myself to an Olympic gold medalist.

Of course you are, you asshat pickle fucker. (Hey, if he can repeat past "hits", why can't I? ) Just because you say/write it don't make it so. The implication is implicit and clear.

My files now bulge with more than 800 rejections. On the other hand, I also have 100 books published, 46 of which have been national or international bestsellers, I’ve got a shelf full of awards, and my work has been translated into 30 languages. I’ve written more than twelve million words, so far.

Numbers, numbers, numbers. Does anyone think Frank Herbert ever boasted (or even wondered) about how many words he had written.

What I love most about this shit is his posting it a month before he's to do a milk-the-rubes seminar for aspiring writers.

[SandChigger]

My reply, soon to be deleted, I'm sure.

Hey, that's new! You didn't use to get the comment box. I bet it's a mistake, that they've fucked up the settings or something again.

(And did you notice that he has removed that ridiculous vanity text wall from the "About The Author" box? Too bad ... 'cause that's what was fucking up the layout and kicking the third/rightmost column down to the bottom of the page. )

[SandRider]

Hasn't anyone ever told you how linear your books are? How one sided they are? How flat your characters are? That the appearance of depth (shadow-like, as it is) is nothing more than the fact that you borrow so much from other people who came before you?

I don't think Keith reads the Amazon review pages ....

there are millions upon millions of half-adults out there who never progressed beyond the intellectual landscape of Harry Potter. You write big-boy books for children who appear in the guise of adults, and/or people who seek escape and long for the "complexity" of Beetle Bailey after a real hard day's work.

and Keith Twits :

TheKJA: Geoff Johns, thank you thank you thank you for writing the JSA 2-hr episode of Smallville. Best of the season!

ain't that the kiddy show about Superboy ?

[TheDukester]

Yet another reason why TheKJA is completely full of shit:

If the competition for these bestseller spots is so cut-throat, why would one of the competitors be willing to share all of his alleged "secrets" and "tips and tricks" to the competition?

[Omphalos]

Hey, that's new! You didn't use to get the comment box. I bet it's a mistake, that they've fucked up the settings or something again.

I thought I remembered no comment boxes. I haven't visited that site since you told me he was using the Law&SF's template. I just figured that he added comments back.

(And did you notice that he has removed that ridiculous vanity text wall from the "About The Author" box? Too bad ... 'cause that's what was fucking up the layout and kicking the third/rightmost column down to the bottom of the page. )

Vaguely. I only remember that he took a cool theme and fucked it up.

[lotek]

What I love most about this shit is his posting it a month before he's to do a milk-the-rubes seminar for aspiring writers.

oh the irony is just.. perfect!

I’ve received dozens of letters posing the same question: “I want to write a bestselling novel, but it seems to take so long, and it’s an awful lot of work. Can you tell me what the shortcut is?” They seem to think that I figured out some simple formula and if I would just share it, then anybody could be a bestselling author, just like that.

What an idiot!

[smugetsu]

It may be the alcohol talking, but did KJA seriously just compare being an author to being a surgeon or a shuttle commander? At least in terms of difficulty in becoming one?

Yes, hiking your fat ass around some woods and talking to yourself is certainly as hard as performing brain surgery or piloting a multi-million dollar piece of equipment into space. Why, you deserve some sort of medal or award for all the hard work you do, Kevin. I'm not sure why they haven't given you one.

How about you be thankful that your minimal talents have even gotten you this far? And I'm not talking about your writing skills- or complete lack thereof- I'm talking about your ability to BS your "readers" and the "publishers" that put out your crap.

[SandRider]

hiking your fat ass around some woods and talking to yourself

hey! I do that! am I an international bestselling asshole, too ?

[smugetsu]

Maybe someday...I have this feeling that there's enough unique wisdom (and whiskey?) in you for a whole library of books, so...get to work!

And I'll see if I can't find a pamphlet on how to fly the shuttle, though I don't think they allow 'three eyes' in the space program. Bastards.

[Hunchback Jack]

Does anyone else get the impression that KJA was sitting on his couch, eating potato chips, watching the Olympics, and got pissed off because all the TV commentators were giving the Olympic team members so much praise and attention.

"Hey!" thinks KJA, "I work hard! With all my awards ... er, I mean, all the sales and words I've written and things ... I figure I'm at *least* as good at what I do as they are at what they do. And no one calls me an American hero! That's fucked up!"

And instead of keeping that whiny, small-minded, self-centered idea to himself, he writes up a blog entry so petty, so petulant, you can *hear* the nasally high-pitched voice he dictahiked it in.

Again, KJA's assholery hits a new high. Incredible.

HBJ

[SandChigger]

Considering that his asshole is in the middle of his face, and that he's in Denver, his ability to keeping hitting new highs really is impressive.

[Hunchback Jack]

Nice one.

HBJ

[Sandwurm88]

..Im mailing him one of my short stories, and seeing what he thinks.

[SandChigger]

Um, what short stories?


Seriously, don't waste your time: he's said repeatedly in the past that he doesn't read submissions from people because then they could have a case when he steals their ideas.

(^^^ creatively paraphrased, of course. )

[TheDukester]

..Im mailing him one of my short stories, and seeing what he thinks.

Now there's an Algonquin-esque meeting of the minds!

[Sev]

Guys, publishing a novel involves more than stringing a lot of sentences together until you fill enough pages with words.

Anyone who's ever had the misfortune of reading any of Keith's novels knows that, in his case, this isn't true - 130 chapters researched (snigger), dictahiked, edited, done and dusted, another 'international bestseller' off the production line.

I’ve got a shelf full of awards

This old chestnut again - no you haven't Keith - a New York Times notable book Award means nothing when 20 books a month get the same distinction, an SFX Readers Award means nothing when the X-Files won absolutely every fucking award category in it.

The man is so...

[Hunchback Jack]

It's incredible that KJA spouts this stuff immediately before he's on the panel of a seminar course that purports to teach you the shortcuts and inner-sanctum secrets of publishing a bestseller.

Frankly, the whole thing is unbelievable. Ask any other writer about how to succeed, they will generally be encouraging: write and write and write, keep trying, it takes time to hone your skills, have objective critics give feedback, etc. etc.

With KJA, its all about dispelling the "myth" about how easy it is to do what he does, by essentially telling people they can't write. God forbid he should actually give encouragement to others.

HBJ

[A Thing of Eternity]

It really is pretty sad, he's obviously hurting inside on some level and trying to compensate for it.

[SandChigger]

he's obviously hurting inside on some level and trying to compensate for it.

Oh gawd I hope you're right.

Even more, I hope it involved 'Becca and a strap-on.

[SandRider]

he's obviously hurting inside on some level and trying to compensate for it.

Oh gawd I hope you're right.

Even more, I hope it involved 'Becca and a strap-on.

damn, you beat me to that one .... hive-mind !

[TheDukester]

It really is pretty sad, he's obviously hurting inside on some level and trying to compensate for it.

It really is a cry for help ... as is much of Keith's behavior.

On the other hand, it's hysterical for the rest of us to see the "international bestselling author" acting like a spurned 12-year-old girl.