Humor

[Serkanner]

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

That actually made me think. Is it possible to crucify somebody with only one nail.

















It only takes one nail to hang the picture.[/quote]

[SandChigger]

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

I got plenty of bigass nails around here now, too, in case the fucker ever tries to come back.

[Freakzilla]

[Freakzilla]

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?



















Meet Patti!

[Nekhrun]

I still can't get enough of this guy:



Also belongs in Random Crap and What are you listening to?

[lotek]

Here's one he might like...

What kind of bees make milk?




















Boo-bees

awesome !

I'd even add

What kind of scary bees make milk?

[Freakzilla]

This made me groan so badly I had to share:



The Bacon Tree :


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees....

Ees...



Ees...
Ees...


Ees...


Ees.... a ham bush."

[Freakzilla]

Boudreaux Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana
National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment
was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they
assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits,
especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in
charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the
more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable,
because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher
coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no
charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next
briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch. Boudreaux stood up before the
latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you
goes to Afghanistan an'
gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you
takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a
mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $400,000! "Now,"
Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan
first?"



Now that’s a salesman.

[D Pope]

http://consc.net/phil-humor.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

some good stuff in there

[Freakzilla]

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "Do you know you have a steering wheel between your legs?" And the pirate responds, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

[Freakzilla]

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."

The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."

The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.

The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."

[Freakzilla]

"Shit" may just be the most functional word in the English language! You can get Shit faced, be Shit out of luck, or even have Shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your Shit together, find a place for your Shit, or be asked to Shit or get off the pot. You can smoke Shit, buy Shit, sell Shit, lose Shit, find Shit, forget Shit, and tell others to eat Shit. There are lucky Shits, dumb Shits, and crazy Shits. There is bull Shit, horse Shit, and chicken Shit. You can throw Shit, sling Shit, catch Shit, shoot the Shit, or duck when the Shit hits the fan. You can find yourself in deep Shit or be happier than a pig in Shit. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your Shit, you don't need to know anything else! You could pass this along, if you give a Shit. I'm writing this because I am the Shit!

[Lawliet]

[Eyes High]

[Eyes High]

Thought it was worth a chuckle.

[Freakzilla]

Why do midgets laugh when they run?



















Because the grass tickles their balls.

[Nekhrun]

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

How awesome would life be if everywhere you walked your balls were being tickled?

[Freakzilla]

23 ADULT TRUTHS
>>
>>
>> 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times, and still not know what time it is.
>>
>> 2. Nothing is more distressing than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
>>
>> 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
>>
>> 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
>>
>> 5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>>
>> 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
>>
>> 7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>>
>> 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
>>
>> 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
>>
>> 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
>>
>> 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
>>
>> 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
>>
>> 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
>>
>> 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
>>
>> 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>>
>> 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a Bud or a Miller than Kay.
>>
>> 17. Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
>>
>> 18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
>>
>> 19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
>>
>> 20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
>>
>> 21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
>>
>> 22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first "helmet" was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
>>
>>
>>
>> 23. Never sneeze when you have the diarrhea!
>

[Omphalos]

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

How awesome would life be if everywhere you walked your balls were being tickled?

Pretty sure my 9 year old son lives this way. At least I keep catching him with his hand down his pants.

[Nekhrun]

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

How awesome would life be if everywhere you walked your balls were being tickled?

Pretty sure my 9 year old son lives this way. At least I keep catching him with his hand down his pants.

Time for the ol' Time & Place discussion huh? I know a guy who just had to have a talk with his 4 year old about squishing. I'll just leave it at that.

[Omphalos]

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

How awesome would life be if everywhere you walked your balls were being tickled?

Pretty sure my 9 year old son lives this way. At least I keep catching him with his hand down his pants.

Time for the ol' Time & Place discussion huh? I know a guy who just had to have a talk with his 4 year old about squishing. I'll just leave it at that.

LOL! I had that discussion with him for the first time years ago, and several times since.

[Freakzilla]

You're mamma's so ugly her pillow cries at night.