Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

To: Keith Anderson
From: Jennifer Smith, Tor/MacMillan Talent Services
Re: Your Whining & Bitching
Date: 14 August 2009

Dear Tor/MacMillan Contracted Author:

I have recieved your (multiple) emails concerning the expense account for your current book tour. After a check of our records, it has been determined that you spent the majority of the expense account for the last tour on booze and prescription drugs for your writing partner, whose name I cannot recall at this moment.

In your (multiple) emails, you have complained of the accomodations, food, lack of laundry service, and many, many other petty details. After consulting with Tor/MacMillan executives familar with you, who took most of the week to find, it was determined that you are lucky to be working at all (which may not be the case in the very near future) and that you should STFU and get to signing whatever book it is you've written.

Future harassment of this office will result in your immediate de-resolution.

J. Smith
Talent Services

P.S. And NO, I will not do your laundry.

From: KJA
To: HLP
Re: DN Website
Date: 15 August 2009

It has come to attention that the recent "upgrade" to the DuneNovels website
was full of Fail & AIDS. I am hereby ordering an immediate cease & desist
to the site, until new webmasters/administrators can be procured.

Currently, my assistant Sue is browsing the below listed website for suitable
replacements.

http://www.newtechusa.com/ppi/talent.asp" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

theKJA

To: Uncle Mike
From: TheKJA
Date: 5 Sept 09
Re: Book Tour Photos

Mike:

Hey, remember that annoying fuck that kept sucking up to me on myspace & shit, called himself "That Asshole Zeus" or something ? Anyway, this loser kept showing up at the book-signings, uh, shit, I guess it was that last Dune thing. Yeah, yeah, cause the cheesehead's in all these shots. Anyway, some of them aren't all that bad, post them on the blog. And that other blog, too, the Dune one. You're still doing that, right ? I mean, it's still online ? And somebody sometime said something to me about that Merritt kid and his forum, I wasn't sure what he was talking about. That bullshit's not on my Dune site is it ? Anyway, I'll tell Sue to cut your check when I see her, or you can come over here, I think I've got some quarters in the jar. Later, TheKJA.


Throngs of Dune Fans
Line Up to see TheKJA:




TheKJA prepares to meet & greet his fans:





Brian was late, he was
having a "complicated" day:




While TheKJA answered questions about Frank's Notes,
Brian entertained himself with cotton candy:




That fanatic Talifan "SandChigger" tried to infiltrate
one of the signings; luckily, the police were on hand:




While Brian travels to the next stop, TheKJA checks the NYT
for his best-selling books' rankings at the airport:




TheKJA & Brian are attacked by rabid Orthodox Herbertarians;
luckily, TAZ's "girlfriend" was on hand to help out :




Since TOR cut our expense account, TheKJA & Brian had to shop for
their own snacks; they made the best of a bad situation:



Brian "unwinds" at the motel while TheKJA goes for a hike,
working on his next award-nominated best-seller:




TheKJA & Brian plotting out the next ten Dune books:




After talking with this guy (?), TheKJA has an idea
for his next big project:




*******************************


and hey, Mike, don't post this one,
but check this shit out !
I told her I was Mark Hamill !!
Star Wars fanchicks are stoopid, lmao !!

Throngs of Dune Fans
Line Up to see TheKJA:

Drunken Idaho wrote:Why does the 501st seem to follow Kevin everywhere he goes?

Drunken Idaho wrote:Why does the 501st seem to follow Kevin everywhere he goes?

Slugger wrote:Their body language is every interesting....

TheDukester wrote:

Drunken Idaho wrote:Why does the 501st seem to follow Kevin everywhere he goes?

They occupy roughly about the same level of the social hierarchy, for one thing. For another, they are each a big joke within their current spheres of influence: KJA knows less about Dune than any other person on Earth; the 501st idiots are the lowest, most desperate form of Star Wars fan. And, as you mention, KJA used to be allowed to write about Star Wars, which I'm sure is a huge factor.

My guess is that the average 501st degenerate thinks TheKevin is just about the most awesomest author ev-ah!

From: TheKJA
To: Sue
Re: Needed Items for Seminar
Date: 3/16/2010

You-

Make sure you order another dozen of those blow-up dolls for the SUPERSTARS of Writing(TM) seminar, I have to have some more heads in the front row for the photos for the blog and to put in the media packet. Get some of those cheap Chinese things, like the ones you got from the clearance bin at the Love Shack, the ones with the holes in the wrong places. I'm just taking their pictures, after all, no need to spend more than necessary; if I need something to fuck, I'll call Brian!! haha. Seriously, though, this thing's going tits-up already, and it's going to take alot of massaging to make it look legitimate. Better create another batch of bogus Twitter accounts and start tweeting back and forth about attending the seminar; try to get them followed by people who fucking matter, would you? All my fucking fans KNOW about the goddamn thing, and can't afford it, anyway. Hit that list of award panel members hard. And fuck MySpace on this one, it's a waste of time - the business of today's literary giants is being done via twitter. Hey, that's good, put that in the interview template - a two-fer, sucks up to Twitter and will get me more Followers. I need more Followers. And jelly donuts. For the seminar, I mean. I want those cream cheese filled ones, I don't care if Becky likes them or not. She can get her own fucking donuts. I make all the goddamn money, anyway, I'll get the donuts I want. Fuck her and her crullers. Tell Merritt his tweets are fucking stupid - where's my name? Goodchrist, I've written more Dune than his asshole grandfather ever thought about. I AM Dune. Goddamnit. And polish up my stormtrooper armor, I got BBQ sauce on it in Virginia. Christ, talk about your toothless rednecks. Assholes. All right, get your shit together, Sue, right now I can't even cover the fucking rent on the fucking broom closet at the convention center; guess who gets outsourced first?

theKJA