Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

Okay here is my first attempt of just a short scene between two characters. Its only 1000 words in length, took me a little over half an hour just because after the first line I was like ummmmmmmmmmmm for 5 mins lol!

Anyway let me know what you think. What changes should be made. If there is a particular part that you would write differently then show my example followed by yours.

And yes point out any and all mistakes

Thanks

http://www.vegeta.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ ... draft1.doc

I realise the sentinces are short and it jumps around a little but dont forget that its a first draft and not ment to be a final piece. All that it is ment to be is just a rough draft of how it would be done. It needs alot of work but I need to know where to do the work.

Actually a good read !

You've kept it honest and simple...you put the reader in the mind of the character, a la FH...

Difficult to point out things to change in 3 pages; the meeting with Rabban should be interesting to judge...i want more !

Thats what I tried to go for. Rather than observing whats going on you are actually in the mind of the character. I'll be expanding on this revising what I've written. Longer sentinces for starters, adding a few more things before I actually expanding on the scene. Thanks for checking it out. Don't mind if you want to suggest things to happen in it either.

cmon..dont u know dune has to have alot more action...and maybe some sexual exploits.....and you forgot to repeat the same thing 50 times


lol..cant wait for the rest man...very interested

Tyrant wrote:cmon..dont u know dune has to have alot more action...and maybe some sexual exploits.....and you forgot to repeat the same thing 50 times


lol..cant wait for the rest man...very interested

Oh I knew I was missing something. Okay I'll have Rabban with some slave girls. I'll have the main guy actually addicted to spice but he didnt realise it until later and his grey hair is just his natural colour. Also I'll make sure to mention that on every page. Oh and did I mention worm wrestling? ALL TO COME NEXT TIME!

I enjoyed that:) thank you.

I have just read the part and I have to say I am looking forward to the next instalment.

Thanks guys for your time. What I'll do is refine and iron out the work I've done and then extend it and repeat. So hopefully it will get better and better each time I work on it. Trying to think how to do Rabban, unfortunetly with reading House A I have KJA's version stuck in my head. Where can I find some good examples of Rabban in Dune? I got the 40th anniversary edition of that helps anyone narrow it down a little

Working on a second draft now. Just going over what I've done before only Ironing out and refining what has already been written. I'll add some more to it when I've finished refining the first part. Just trying to hunt out passages in Dune concerning Rabban, I cant remember how FH wrote him. I dont want to write a KJA novel

Laphtiya wrote:Working on a second draft now. Just going over what I've done before only Ironing out and refining what has already been written. I'll add some more to it when I've finished refining the first part. Just trying to hunt out passages in Dune concerning Rabban, I cant remember how FH wrote him. I dont want to write a KJA novel

Are you reading this KJA, Brian, Byron ?

The guy is taking his time to refined his work...he is re-reading Dune to remember how FH wrote it...

Good work, Laphtiya...

this is really good. I like the anti-spice tack you've chosen to take with this, i think it add something to it all, a bit more humanity into it. bring on Rabban!

Secher_Nbiw wrote:this is really good. I like the anti-spice tack you've chosen to take with this, i think it add something to it all, a bit more humanity into it. bring on Rabban!

Well I've uploaded the second draft in another post

viewtopic.php?t=825

Revised a few things and expanded it a little more. Hope you enjoy it. I've beefed up what was already written and advanced the story slightly. Hopefully I'll be able to add some more tonight if the helpdesk is slow that is lol!