Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

In the industry, we call them corpse-fucker books.

I'm not all that picky but I like mine warm.

Freakzilla wrote:

Baraka Bryan wrote:

Nekhrun wrote:My prediction is that sales will still lag because the title is even more of a girl's title than Jessica of Dune was.

maybe the hack has seen the success of Twilight and is trying to shift Dune to take advantage of that lucrative market of twits.

Vampires of Dune

Vampires of the traveling pants of Dune is more like KJA's style...

Freakzilla wrote:

Baraka Bryan wrote:

Nekhrun wrote:My prediction is that sales will still lag because the title is even more of a girl's title than Jessica of Dune was.

maybe the hack has seen the success of Twilight and is trying to shift Dune to take advantage of that lucrative market of twits.

Vampires of Dune

Twilight of Dune

*Duncan Idaho's body glittered in the Rakis sunlight, Hwi in his arms as they gazed longingly at each other. Finally she could stand his studly-goat face no longer, and begged him to bite her. At which point she did, and then she became a vampire, and they both glittered in the Rakis sunlight while Leto transcribed the whole story*

Redstar wrote:

Freakzilla wrote:

Baraka Bryan wrote:

Nekhrun wrote:My prediction is that sales will still lag because the title is even more of a girl's title than Jessica of Dune was.

maybe the hack has seen the success of Twilight and is trying to shift Dune to take advantage of that lucrative market of twits.

Vampires of Dune

Twilight of Dune

*Duncan Idaho's body glittered in the Rakis sunlight, Hwi in his arms as they gazed longingly at each other. Finally she could stand his studly-goat face no longer, and begged him to bite her. At which point she did, and then she became a vampire, and they both glittered in the Rakis sunlight while Leto transcribed the whole story*

And then Duncan took off the mask that had persuaded all females everywhere to enter his bedchambers. Underneath was a face so hideous, yet appealing, that it had not been seen since the days of Old Terra. Leto's OM flared at The Duncan's new visage and found himself quite surprised. The face... was that of Michael Jackson!

Tleszer wrote:

Redstar wrote:

Freakzilla wrote:

Baraka Bryan wrote:

Nekhrun wrote:My prediction is that sales will still lag because the title is even more of a girl's title than Jessica of Dune was.

maybe the hack has seen the success of Twilight and is trying to shift Dune to take advantage of that lucrative market of twits.

Vampires of Dune

Twilight of Dune

*Duncan Idaho's body glittered in the Rakis sunlight, Hwi in his arms as they gazed longingly at each other. Finally she could stand his studly-goat face no longer, and begged him to bite her. At which point she did, and then she became a vampire, and they both glittered in the Rakis sunlight while Leto transcribed the whole story*

And then Duncan took off the mask that had persuaded all females everywhere to enter his bedchambers. Underneath was a face so hideous, yet appealing, that it had not been seen since the days of Old Terra. Leto's OM flared at The Duncan's new visage and found himself quite surprised. The face... was that of Michael Jackson!

Oh noes! Save the children; throw him Moulay!

SandChigger wrote:OH SHIT.

I was just starting to read CHAPTER THREE AND FORE and realized that Kevin has probably followed Paul into the desert, all the way to Jacurutu.

I guess I've been thinking about it only from the point of view of the former supposed main character, Jessica, and the other characters around her ... who all think Paul is dead until the Preacher shows up in CoD.

Judging from the way the Hack had no problem spoiling details of the originals in the House books, I doubt he'll balk now at detailing how Paul takes on his new role.

This could be even worse than I've been expecting.

Self-referential quoting!

Some potential nutter named Van Keuren (in Atlanta, strangely enough) as popped up on Amazon and posted a mini 4-star "review" of Winds that ends with this:

I might have been gratified if the authors had given us some hint of the genesis of The Preacher, who is to emerge later, but that may take another full novel. If it does, I'll read it.

I guess I've been more focused on the silliness of Shaddam's clonola army and overlooking the potential for more KJA fingers-up-Dune's-ass meddling inherent in Paul's transformation into The Preacher, which also takes place within the same nine-years periods between Messiah and Children as Winds and presumably the majority of Throne.

And think of all the jabs at Jacurutu he'll be able to slip wetly in.

SandChigger wrote:...And think of all the jabs at Jacurutu he'll be able to slip wetly in.

Seriously, the wording of that comment is

(As it was no doubt meant to be! )

Honestly i was expecting them in Winds, but maybe he's smart enough not to declare open warfare on us.

Ampoliros wrote:maybe he's smart enough not to

Thanks, I needed that!


(Sorry, SaCy. )

I've added two new pages to the website for collecting predictions about the last two "Heroes" books:

http://tiny.cc/rt4g1" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

http://tiny.cc/z6s11" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

The more ideas we come up with, and the more KJA-esque they are, the more likely we may be able to SPOIL[ER] the books before they come out, given that there's still a year before Throne and three years before Leto (unless they do move it forward for the movie advantage).

Throne... - Shaddam's ghola army

Leto... - Leto as Superman

Sev wrote:Throne... - Shaddam's ghola army

Dune, Episode II: Attack of the Ghola-Clones. It's practically inevitable. For one thing, Spanky can probably just dust off a rejected Star Wars manuscript, run a search-and-replace filter, then present it to Bobo and say, "Sign off on this, underling!"

Predictions for Leto of Dune wrote:Leto fighting off the machine menace he later tells Siona about.* (Of course, remembering who we are dealing with here, the machine threat will be shown to be something from Omnius & Erasmus, not the Ixians.)

OM Norma will defeat them!

SandChigger wrote: Silly KJA-esque descriptions of the early stages of Leto’s transformation. Think “Super Leto, AWAY!”*

Leto watches Ghanima & Farad’n making love from within her boudoir.*

And you're actually going to have to read that shit, SandChigger.

I think this spoiler thing is a great idea, though, and I might even have to take one for the team. The thought of KJA trying to write about incest makes me want to bury my own head. It'll be incest literature for tweens, so Leto will mainly take out his frustrations by killing a lot of people. These really are some of the worst books ever written, especially when you factor in that they've utterly failed to live up to the subject matter. Why don't they just write a Choose Your Own Adventure book about incest. Or Rwanda. And throw in some Mengele while you're at it, Brian.

When I was doing the Ghani & Farad'n one, I got to thinking that they would probably have to wait several years to consummate since she was only nine-going-on-ten in Children. So add a pinch of kiddy porn/child molestation to the incest mix there, too.

I'm sure there will be a scene involving Norma coming to Leto in a dream or some shit like that. They're definitely going to have some kind of conversation.

Shaddam will present young Leto with a Ghola named Fythr Lyov ("father love") that happens to look a lot like Paul with metal eyes. IS IT RYLLY PAYL? IS IT JYST A GYFT OR A VYCYOS PLYT TO DYSTABLYZ THE THRYNE!?!?!?!

I would guess that there would be a plot to kill Irulan, maybe involving Alia or Stilgar, and Irulan will prove herself to be a Corrino with a heart of gold.

The Paul Atreides ghola will have sex with her, and she'll finally find out what it's like. Maybe Irulan will give Stilgar a blow job.

Gurney will try to have sex with Jessica on Caladan, but she isn't having it, so he kills someone randomly.

Ghanima will win a spelling bee.

There will be several main characters that are not in Children of Dune, and they will all die. Their names will be really cheesy, like Jar-Jar Corrino and Satan Gingko, or Beezlebub Banjoe.

Combine your #1 and #2 there, have Alia send Stilgar to fuck Irulan to death, with WoL on his "mighty worm".

Stilgar grasped her ankles and pulled her ass into the air. She groaned with pleasure as she watched him ram his Maker of Love in and out of her Grotto of Sighs from above.

"Oh GREAT MOTHER!" she cried, "WHAT IS THIS?!"

"We call ... this," Stilgar hissed between clenched teeth. "The ... Thumper! AAAAAAGH! A BIG ONE COMETH!"

HBJ

That's right, I secretly want to write bad Dune porn! It's not for no reason that the fanfic blog is called "Hoary Tales"!


I've added everyone's ideas back up to Tleszer's April 1 post on Twilight/Vampires of Dune. (Wasn't sure whether to add that one or not. ) Will go back further later.

(Let me know if I misattribute[d] anything. I made a few changes, mostly verbs to present tense, to conform to the existing page style, such as it was.)

There's bound to be another 'Young Indiana Atreides' flashback-or-two - how else are they going to get the page-bloat up above 400? And after the sensationally stupid Jongleur assassins episode of 'Winds' they could have Paul literally doing anything, no matter how un-Dunesque it seems to us, they not going to learn self-moderation now are they

Therefore I'll go for a Kaitain visit (he was born there after all ), and Paul saves Irulan's life in some plodding Imperial machination arc which results in Shaddam rewarding him by getting them engaged! Yes, Paul and Irulan, for a time, were to be married - allowing the Hacks to piss all over Frank's storyline to unprecedented levels - childhood sweethearts

SandChigger wrote:I've added everyone's ideas back up to Tleszer's April 1 post on Twilight/Vampires of Dune. (Wasn't sure whether to add that one or not. ) Will go back further later.

Oh, shit, I didn't know they were going straight into the blog. I would've been a lot more specific, and probably wouldn't have written stuff like "Ghanima will win a spelling bee" or "Irulan gives Stilgar a blow job" .

Okay, I'm going to more serious about this, and I might be able to give you better versions of what I wrote.

There will be a love story between a maudlin Gurney Halleck and a menopausal Jessica. It will be unbelievably boring. They'll have sex a few times, and then Jessica will decide it's wrong. Gurney will turn to a different woman when Jessica rejects him, but he will find out she is Harkonnen and kill her. Jessica will think the Harkonnen thing is ironic, and then she will kill someone. In most situations, the characters in the new Dune novel will respond to a dilemma by killing someone.

After reading this thread I am pleased I stopped after House Harkonnen. [puke smiley]