Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

I just had to do this to release some steam, in the future I'll know better than to read KJA. Not that its much of a surprise, but I've come to the conclusion that Smellhole is just another series in the Dune ramblings of KJA.

Smellhole notes
WHY. Because its there…

General? Shouldn’t he be an Admiral? Is this going to be explained?

Makes it sound like the rebellion has already won, and they just have to take this one last planet. Also if the Diadem has control over space travel, why do the rebels have ships.
How can this day “make or break the freedom fighters” when they have “a groundswell of popular support”
Bad writing editing: Its unclear whose “last stand” this is. That’s just the first paragraph.

If the General is calm and confident then why do his teeth ache from clenched jaws (nervous signifier)?
Driftwood in a flood, not intended to be a rebel leader.

And if the General let it come to that, he would be no better than Diadem Michella. But he didn’t see any way around it.

What? These next few lines are daring him to turn into a monster and he’s going along with it as if its inevitable.

Generals don’t have flagships. Admirals have flagships. And they don’t command the bridge…

“His eyes…not having seen laughter in a long time.”

Wait for it…

His fleet is superior to what the "Army of the Constellation" could muster on short notice to defend the capital…

MALE TYPE I Franck Tello is ‘cheery’ as usual. Likes profanity. Comic relief to break the ice. Codeword “panties” makes fanboys cream.

“His eyes…not having seen laughter in a long time.”

The men on the bridge chuckled.

“His eyes…not having seen laughter in a long time.”

I guess laugh-tracks don’t count.

463 ships, spreading out to blockade the planet. Still haven’t spotted fleet on the other side.

Ooo last minute evacuation to cause chaos! At least these are smart enough to flee away from the fleet!

Hey one is fleeing towards the ships! Bumper car time! In space! Where Hull Integrity means jack squat! Good thing he didn’t use his ULTRAFAST engines so it was only a minor collision. In Space.

Seriously…
Ultrafast…

They are faster than fast! there is nothing faster than ultrafast! Please for the love of god, someone buy KJA an ultrathesaurus. That’s a book Kev, not a Dinosaur.

Michella’s ships fire indiscriminately on civilians and we’re hammered again with how much TA doesn’t want to kill anyone unless he has too. We'll find later he won't kill anyone even to save the lives of his men or win the rebellion.

Weapons Lt: Lets blow up the transport hub you just sent people in to capture!

General TA: No, that makes me look bad. I can’t look bad.

Frigate: We captured it! Ain’t it grand how problems solve themselves!

W Lt: Oh look, ships hiding in the sensor shadow of the planet. Man, we fall for that one every time. You’d think they would train us better, wait I’m a rebel. I was probably just some dumb farmer kid that never had to think in combat scenarios.

Enemy forces move in a

random flurry as if to disguise their numbers. “Three hundred and twelve, sir. And that’s an accurate count. Probably all the ships she’s got left.”

So wtf was the point of the ‘random flurry’ statement other than word count?

Muttonchops? Seriously is this the Confederacy?

Ooo this guy has actually won battles and only lost narrowly. And he has an actual Navy title: Commodore! But wait, aren’t these guys in ships from the Army of the Confed…er Constellations? (sigh)

“History rests on the details…I demand your surrender.” (laughtrack)

This next part I was just yelling HIT RECORD, RECORD THE IMAGES. SOMEONE RECORD THIS, IT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT!

To be fair, since we have no idea what this rebellion is even about, we can't make a judgment call.
No, wait, we can. TA wants to keep civilian deaths to a minimum. That's good. Well of course, because he's the good guy. But this General is so Paladin uptight that he lets his own men die and doesn't even order weapons fire to disable the ships rather than destroy them. He has twice as many ships. HE DOESN'T EVEN RETREAT. He just sits there.

This guy is a General? What was he defending, Candyland?

Quick Scene Change so the 'writers' don't have to deal with important questions!

Why don’t they just outright clone Louis XVI instead of having the Diadem Duchenet. I have to call her that so I don’t call her Murbella.

She’s such a brutal corrupt “angry death-angel” leader that she responds by showing mercy on her worst enemy. What are her crimes? Being Corrupt? She's evil right? Is that it?
WOMAN TYPE I: Psycho evil Bitch. In a nice way.

The crowd let out an angry mutter, though not nearly as loud as Michella had hoped. Somehow, the man had sparked a popular fervor across the Crown Jewels. Why, they actually viewed him as heroic!

Again. W T F

Ooh, Lord Riomini wear black. I bet he’s evil. He even named his planet after the Chaos God from Elric. Misspelled it though… Wait, he rules that planet? Is he not part of the Constellation? His name starts with S so he's obviously a bad guy.

MALE TYPE II S-named black evil guy.

Now Murbell…dammit Duchenet wants to kill him, and the other evil guy says to keep him alive.

"Hey lets form some ‘committees’ and the groundswell of rebellion that built a movement so powerful they almost took the capital planet will disappear! I’m sure that will make them forget we only won by packing them into our ships so the rebels wouldn’t fire on us."

TA denied NONE of the charges because he thinks he’ll be found guilty anyway? From the same guy who let the rebellion fail because he wouldn’t fire on ships that were killing his own men because history would remember him as a monster.

He’s granted exile with as many of his followers as would like to go…

OOOO fanboy alert!

“Better to rule on the most hellish frontier planet than to serve the corrupt government on Sonjeera.”

But wait….”Better to rule in Hell than Serve in Heaven” Spoken by Lucifer. So….Adophus is Lucifer, king of hell. And he’s named Adolph… And he’s rebelling against a brutal Death Angel…so even God in this equation is evil. I think I’ve figured it out. Hellhole isn’t the planet, it’s the whole fucking universe.

“Michella had to hide a satisfied smile. Even his followers would admit that she was benevolent. They could not fault her.”

WHAT?

XXX

Smokestorm Codeword: Sandstorm, but with smoke
Green smoke?
That leaves grit all over everything.
But the breezes would blow it away
Or maybe it won’t. Weather is finicky. DUDE I LIVE IN FUCKIN TEXAS. WEATHER IS FINICKY YES, EVERYWHERE.

THEY NAME THE TOWN AFTER MICHELLA? IS THE GREEN SMOKE LSD?

Why is his driver a LT. Seems like a shit job for a LT. Is he the aide-de-camp? No, it says its his driver.

Adolphus had

singlehandedly

shown the colony how to survive whatever the world had to
throw at them.

Well then lets hope the old coot doesn’t die. Kinda interesting how ‘the great General’ has all these military personnel but apparently he’s the ONLY one with survival training.

Oh he named the town to get back at Douchenet. Yeah, great insult. Well, maybe he did it so it would be a constant reminder to those who are there who fucked up. Mixed with the random assortment of useless cargo they get this is beginning to sound like a bad marriage. I will not be surprised when its later revealed that these two were an item at one point.

Wait...

Ice-parkas and underwater breathing apparatus being useless means no ice and no liquid water on the planet. Fuck it from now on I’m calling this Dune. And I will not be surprised when they reveal that the Hellhole trilogy is the origin story for the Muadru.

At all.

Woman type II Flirty love interest. Subtype MILF

Hey great way to use Intelligence. “they don’t know that I know, so I’ll show up so he knows that I know. I’ll even wear my fucking uniform so I can’t say ‘fancy meeting you here’"

Alkaline dust. Yeah that sounds conducive to public health.

Sending convicts to a harsh world to rehabilitate them. Yep, its Dune.

I love how non combat ships are basically just inside-out Heighliners. I’m sorry, I mean Stringliners. With ULTRAFAST engines…
They even have to send tribute in the form of ‘upboxes’.

Do you mean taxes? Is this whole thing one big Tea Party revolt? Seriously, are we going to get specific reasons for the revolt or just “I don’t like the gubment, day evil?”

[Continued on Page 5!]

If anyone wants to know how well KJA writes Great Military leaders just google Admiral Daala.

LOL ... challenge accepted!

"As for the lamest, I'd have to go with Admiral Daala. IIRC, she was a Kevin J. Anderson creation (I could be wrong, it's been a while since I've read the novels she appears in), but really, only a hack like Anderson could have written her). But here is a woman who is supposedly such a brilliant tactician and strateginst that she caught the eye (and other parts) of Grand Moff Tarkin, who had her promoted to Admiral in an Impeial Navy that was almost as prejudiced against women as it was against nonhumans, but after she leaves the Maw Installation, she gets her ass kicked in battle after battle. So, what, was she out of combat supervising the Ultimate Planet Destroying Prototype Weapon Thingy that she lost all of her Admiraling chops? She utterly fails to learn from her mistakes, repeatedly demonstrates glaring incompetence, and yet, her men still have faith in her.

Also (and this is another reason I think she's an Anderson creation), it is utterly unbelievable that nobody would have bothered to give Daala a call and say, "hey, project's over, we got our Ultimate Weapon built..." "

http://bit.ly/hyHjZZ" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Oh, but I'm sure that guy is just a "hater" and a "Talifan." Kevin gets thousands of fan letters every day, you know ...

Don't forget the signed letters of apology from the haters who hated before but had to admit their mistakes after reading (and realizing how wrong they were about) kja ultra-tripe.

Great job Amp! That's the best analysis i've read yet!

Ampoliros wrote: Hey one is fleeing towards the ships! Bumper car time! In space! Where Hull Integrity means jack squat! Good thing he didn’t use his ULTRAFAST engines so it was only a minor collision. In Space.

Seriously…
Ultrafast…

*Giggle.* Really? "Ultrafast?" What? Is he SIX?

Seriously, this read as if the hack had dicta-hiked this entire manuscript in ONE draft.

You know the old saying about 1 million monkeys typing on 1 million typewriters and one of them replicates Shakespeare? Well it should be 999,999 monkeys because at least one of them replicated this text and then killed himself.

Character Profile: Tiber Adolphus (Not Hitler!)

General. Career Military attitude, although we don't know much about his background yet. Obsessed with his own image and his place in history. Considers his rebellion a quest for Justice. Hates to have his morals or his emotions compromised, especially in public. I imagine this guy always standing tall and rigid with his hands clasped behind his back.

How this guy won any battles is a mystery. Sure, keeping civilian casualties to a minimum is a virtue. But he just prosecuted an entire fucking uprising to rid the known galaxy of a 'corrupt' government. And how did they beat him? By being more corrupt than he was capable of dealing with. I'm sorry but NotAdolphHitler (NAH! for short) has lost this war already unless the alien technology that they found is a "Happiness Ray" that sprouts flowers and hugs you. All Murbella has to do is pack her ships full of doe-eyed civilians, kittens, puppies and bunnies and NAH's Military Hard on vanishes like a frightened turtle. Heck, she could pack NAH!'s mom in a shuttle and just follow him around with a gun to her head.

Its also interesting (and maddening) to note that NAH! lost because he refused to compromise his ethics and would not fire on the enemy. So he surrenders, and gets captured, and is brought to a show trial for several hundred drummed up charges. They even went so far as to discuss how these charges are propaganda. NAH constantly worries himself sick about his image to the people, not wanting to be seen as a monster.

So he promptly pleads guilty to every drummed up charge they bring.

WHAT? NO! WE HAVE ALL OF A PROLOGUE'S WORTH OF BACKGROUND ON THIS GUY AND HE'S ALREADY COMPROMISED EVERY PRINCIPAL HE STANDS FOR.

-Allowing civilians to die when he could do something to stop it GUILTY
-Allowing men under his command to be killed in action without retaliation GUILTY
-Proclaiming a Quest for Justice and then capitulating to that very same enemy, knowing full well that his enemy would not stop until confronted. GUILTY

This man is qualified to lead JACK AND SHIT. (He'd make an excellent American President)

This is how it should go down:

NAH!'s fleet arrives. Superior numbers. Small Enemy fleet waiting. Enemy fleet broadcasts that they are holding civilians as human shields. NAH! realizes these will be the LAST civilian deaths ever caused by this war. He charges in guns blazing. The enemy fleet gets pounded, but then the main fleet arrives, cutting off his escape. In the heat of the battle the AoC's fleet unleashes a new weapon crippling his ships and forcing NAH! to surrender just to save the lives of his remaining men.

NAH! is very publicly brought up on war crimes for firing on 'civilian' vessels (the first fleet) with full knowledge. He's raked through the coals and condemned in the court of public opinion. He and his remaining officers are exiled to a border planet named Hellhole, where they blah blah blah trilogy.

and that's just my first thoughts written stream of consciousness at 3am making 10x more sense than KJA's Perfect Prose TM and Superstars Editing Skills...

So, as usual, the plot doesn't make sense.

Great work, once again. And you're right - your version makes much more sense.

I think KJA sees Adolphus as some kind of Jean-Luc Picard - heroic, well-respected commander of a ship/fleet, who will never compromise the lives of civilians for any cause. But maybe he can't figure out how that would actually work in a combat situation.

HBJ

Evidently he was so pleased with "The Bridge of Hrethgir"/human-shield nonsense from BoC that he just had to trot it out again.

Series-crossover REPETITION!

I guess it doesn't matter if you're a egocentric moron fighting someone for no particular reason other than "cos they're like, all bad and corrupt and stuff". If the author says you're the good guy, then you're the good guy. Congrats! And hey, he even got a ridiculously high military rank out of the deal. Sounds like a KJBHA character to me.

Ultrafast

Seriously?

I just...

I don't even...

Seriously?

The second stringline hauler continued to accelerate away from the hub, even as the General’s slow carrier moved to cross its path before it could activate the ultrafast stringline engines.

Do we have an emoticon of a smiley drilling a hole through its head?

Ampoliros wrote:

The second stringline hauler continued to accelerate away from the hub, even as the General’s slow carrier moved to cross its path before it could activate the ultrafast stringline engines.

Do we have an emoticon of a smiley drilling a hole through its head?

I'd like to say that I can't believe that's real, but I can. And it's fucking pathetic.

My god, it's like he's playing into our hands. Anyone think that the use of the dreaded "ultra-" prefix is just for the likes of us?

Omphalos wrote:My god, it's like he's playing into our hands. Anyone think that the use of the dreaded "ultra-" prefix is just for the likes of us?

He must've seen the word count posts we did: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2419" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I got to the part with the hostages. The general hesitated for like a split second, but that was enough for the commodore. The bad guys opened fire at "point blank range." I couldn't take any more.

Alpha Carinae wrote:I guess it doesn't matter if you're a egocentric moron fighting someone for no particular reason other than "cos they're like, all bad and corrupt and stuff". If the author says you're the good guy, then you're the good guy. Congrats! And hey, he even got a ridiculously high military rank out of the deal. Sounds like a KJBHA character to me.

Ultrafast

Seriously?

I just...

I don't even...

Seriously?

I KNOW RIGHT?

I'll be shocked if any of his fans actually finish this book. I know that some say they will, but all they'll be thinking about the whole time is, "Holy shit! Those Jacurutu people are right, this sucks!"

Oh, DREAM ON!

BaconWay and JizzyDam will be clawing each other into chopped ham bits fit for pizza toppings trying to push ShamPedo out of the way and be the first to nuzzle up into KJA's backside and blow so much praise up his ass he'll be farting it out for weeks.

If the idiots haven't realized what a shitty writer he is by now, they ain't NEVER gonna get it!

I'm wondering if its become a pure case of pathological ego. KJA literally believes that he can publish anything. So he doesn't have to put any effort into it at all.

-We know he doesn't edit in any real since of the word.
-We've seen him lash out at editors for 'spelling errors'
-His source of pride comes from completion of a project rather than quality.
-He drops names, talks numbers. Rarely does he ever talk about ideas.
-Considers it to be a business and is a proper capitalist about it.
-Taunts and ridicules the artists in the writer community for not treating it like a business.
-Very seduced by the illusion of his own 'celebrity', which is only compounded by the fanboy element and his 501 guards.
-Ironically, the celebrity aspect of his personality causes him to question why the community doesn't give him the recognition he feels he and it deserves.

I think that explains why his work makes no sense. It doesn't have to.

Ampoliros wrote:his 501 guards

Is that what they are, really, you think?

The reason I ask is I was looking through the Site Meter logs earlier today and noticed some more hits from the "post-Chapterhouse Dune" thread over on the Something Awful forums. When I popped over to see what new posts had been added since the last time I'd visited, I found one (on page 11 or so?) from someone mentioning something about Hack & Bobes having to have "handlers" to hold off the irate Dune fans. I've never heard anything like that, but do you think that's what they're about?

Is Kevvie afraid we're going to come after him? After all, one of us did once get close enough to him to have a T-shirt signed!



(It never grows old. It remains EPIC. )

SandChigger wrote:BaconWay and JizzyDam will be clawing each other into chopped ham bits fit for pizza toppings trying to push ShamPedo out of the way and be the first to nuzzle up into KJA's backside and blow so much praise up his ass he'll be farting it out for weeks.

That was beautiful.

Don't his "original" book sales lag far behind those of the raped-universes? It seems to me that people can handle him to some degree just because they like the franchise and not his writing. Once he moves on, people don't give a shit about him.

But I do agree that those you mentioned are a lost cause and would do anything to floss with kja's ass pubes.

Nekhrun wrote: That was beautiful.

Thank you.

I was going to end it on a real bang, something about him manqueefing around Jabecca's strap-on for weeks, but decided that would be a bit too much even for me.

Mainly dropped it because I wasn't sure if it was valid drawing a distinction between "ass-queefing" and farting during anal sex.

This being SMELLHOLE, though...

(And yeah, his "original" stuff lags WAY behind the franchise rapes. Does S7S come close to being successful, or just suckfull?)

Did you catch that in one of those "let us cyber-fellate you" interviews the other day with Giggly Schoolgirl Sandar BlanderSlan & The Fanboys Twee where they mentioned how many books KJA has out and he corrected them about books versus titles, or some such crap?

I got to thinking that KJA's kinda like the Henry Ford & Baskin-Robbins of SciFi: you have your choice of hundreds of different titles, but they all taste like the same old shit.

SandChigger wrote:I got to thinking that KJA's kinda like the Henry Ford & Baskin-Robbins of SciFi: you have your choice of hundreds of different titles, but they all taste like the same old shit.

Watch, now he'll start saying that he's the Henry Ford of Literature.