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When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 04:52
by SandChigger
This is an excerpt of Ch. 26 of
Paul of Dune:
Hiih Resser stood with a dozen members of the Moritani royal court, packed shoulder to shoulder in the sickroom of the dying boy. Viscount Moritani spoke to them all in a voice like ripping paper. "The Suk doctor says my son will soon breathe his last. It is only a matter of days, or less. If only we had the drug to cure him." Moritani's broken whisper drove a knife of sorrow into Resser's heart. If only.
On his bed, reeking of melange and semuta smoke, accompanied by wailing atonal music, whether or not the melodic trance effects were necessary, Wolfram was beyond hearing his distraught father.
Some of the witnesses sobbed softly, but Resser had no way of judging if their tears were sincere.
Looking on, he was convinced that this clumsy demonstration of support was largely an effort to gain favor with the Grumman lord.
Preoccupied with his work, Dr. Terbali made adjustments to Wolfram's intravenous lines, while the wild-haired Viscount leaned over his son from the other side, kissed his sunken cheek, and spoke quietly.
The unfortunate boy did not respond, but stared vacantly, only occasionally twitching a muscle or blinking his red-veined eyes.
The sick boy slipped so quietly into death that even Moritani did not notice for several seconds, though he held the boy's limp hand. Then, in delayed reaction, he let out a bestial sound that was half wail, half roar.
Klingons of Dune!
Dissect or discuss as you will.
I'll start by pointing out the modifiers used for the boy; he's "dying", he's "unfortunate" and he's "sick". No sooner are we told in the first paragraph of this excerpt that he's "dying" than his father speaks ("in a voice like ripping paper"? just what the FUCK does that mean?) and tells those assembled that the boy will soon kick the bucket. Is "dying" really needed then, before this?
I don't know about the rest of you, but I almost want to giggle when I read this scene, it's so bad. (And it gets worse, as Moritani kills the doctor and tells him to heal himself.
)
Ghastly!
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 07:07
by merkin muffley
Physician, heal thyself.
If only.
IF ONLY.
His voice was like folding cardboard.
IF. ONLY.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 07:18
by Sev
How the fuck do you pronounce Hiih??
*asked in a voice like walking on bubblewrap*
And the mention of the musical accompaniment in paragraph 2 is just... poorly phrased. He's beyond hearing his father's voice, so is played music to...
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 08:20
by D Pope
"C'mon, guys!" admonished Tlher the preeq. He continued, asserting,"He's doing the best he can."
Chapter 2
"Knowing a thing is like walking, do you wear socks inside your shoes?"
-Rossak edict
The Tlher the preeq had just asserted that the authors efforts were of the purest intentions.
In a voice like the rolling of the mighty sea outside castle Caladan, Tlher the preeq asked,
"What have you written?"
Chapter 3
"I empty my nose at you!"
-Monty Python
Having delivered what he thought to be the verbal equivilent of a tactical nuke from old mythic Earth,
Tlher the preeq wondered about what rewards his pleased master would bestow...
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 08:34
by Aquila ka-Hecate
On his bed, reeking of melange and semuta smoke, accompanied by wailing atonal music, whether or not the melodic trance effects were necessary, Wolfram was beyond hearing his distraught father.
What a clumsy sentence.
She said, in a voice like flushing bogroll.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 12:28
by Unfront
There. Right there! This is another lame brain scene, stolen right from Star Trek. Upon first reading, my reaction was in the likes of puh-lease, you’ve got to be kidding me. The author is trying to create a tearful moment of sadness over the death of a child. Yet the end result was one of humor and comedy. F
If only. If only? If only the publisher would cancel the rest of this series...oh wait! They DID!
In a voice like the tearing up of an advance check, the publisher announced the decision to pull the plug. The Hero’s series slipped so quietly into death that even Anderson did not notice for several days, though he held the dictahike in his limp hand. Then, in delayed reaction, he let out a sickening sound that was half wail, half wet fart.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 12:32
by SandChigger
OK, I can see we're definitely going to have to hold a McDune parody antifan-fiction contest!
This could get ugly.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 12:53
by Tleszer
I like ugly!
By parody, do you mean something indistinguishable from the "real thing" or something more along the lines of Trannies of Dune?
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 13:45
by SandChigger
Tleszer wrote:By parody, do you mean something indistinguishable from the "real thing" or something more along the lines of Trannies of Dune?
Well, I was thinking something more like
Trannies, bitchy like the comments above.
Wouldn't the first be kinda sick? And likely to induce a psychosis of some sort?
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 13:57
by Freakzilla
SandChigger wrote:Wouldn't the first be kinda sick? And likely to induce a psychosis of some sort?
Most definately.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 14:02
by Tleszer
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 14:32
by merkin muffley
SandChigger wrote:Tleszer wrote:By parody, do you mean something indistinguishable from the "real thing" or something more along the lines of Trannies of Dune?
Well, I was thinking something more like
Trannies, bitchy like the comments above.
That would be awesome. I'm loving these "Bad Writing" threads...
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 15:00
by Unfront
I'm loving it too.
Another lame brain scene that I want to take a look as is the [original release] Return of the Jedi - Nub Nub dance scene at the end of House Corrino where the worms gather together to preform some sort of Dance when Paul Atreides was birthed on Kaitain.
(I thought the worms were teritorial - oh but wait, not in McDune, these worms get together for a square dance!!!!) - Failure to abide by the rules of the universe as spelled out by the master - F!!!
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 15:12
by D Pope
SandChigger wrote:OK, I can see we're definitely going to have to hold a McDune parody antifan-fiction contest!
My first reaction was, sounds like fun!
Second thought, oooo- what does it mean if you win?
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 19:06
by Tleszer
Whoever wins, we lose?
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 19:22
by Shaitan
Tleszer wrote:Whoever wins, we lose?
I think I've come up with an entry for the KJA parody contest already.....in honor of his serial ripping off of and general parasitic relationship with other authors/screenwriters' creations:
Aliens Vs. Predators Vs. Kevin J. Anderson's McDune
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 21:42
by Hunchback Jack
Unfront wrote:Another lame brain scene that I want to take a look as is the [original release] Return of the Jedi - Nub Nub dance scene at the end of House Corrino where the worms gather together to preform some sort of Dance when Paul Atreides was birthed on Kaitain.
Are you kidding? I have no recollection of almost all that series, and so I have no idea whether you're kidding or not.
Why would they write that? Why? Why would there be some weird mystical connection between Paul and the sandworms on Dune? It makes *no* *sense*.
HBJ,
in a voice that sounds like the wiping of feet on a welcome mat.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 04 Nov 2010 22:39
by SandChigger
Wait for it, HBJ.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 05 Nov 2010 07:32
by SadisticCynic
...but don't hold your breath.
(For it to make sense that is.)
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 05 Nov 2010 14:04
by Unfront
Hunchback Jack wrote:
Are you kidding? I have no recollection of almost all that series, and so I have no idea whether you're kidding or not.
Why would they write that? Why? Why would there be some weird mystical connection between Paul and the sandworms on Dune? It makes *no* *sense*.
HBJ,
in a voice that sounds like the wiping of feet on a welcome mat.
Oh it happened alright! Right there, black and white, crystal clear in plain English for all to see. Mr. Chigger (may I call you Sand?
) was gracious enough to post the section complete with commentary in the new and hilarious yet educational
Bad Writing Series under Worms Can Dance if they Want To.
You know, if these guys would have stopped at House Atreides, they could have possibly retained some form of respectability - even though that book was brimming with lame shit in its own right. e.g. The useless fire gem incident on the boat. This is where KJA tried to establish some form of bond between Leto and Rhompa roomba [or whatever that guys name is]. In the overall context of the story, it was very forced and disjointed. It was almost written in as an afterthought. As if the publisher said, "you know Kevin, we need some more bonding between Leto and Rhombur, otherwise it may leave people wondering why Leto cared so much....just sayin'." The end result: a half assed attempt to show bonding between the two with no connection to anything else in the story all while serving to pad the word/page count. D-
These guys need to take a note from the old axiom:
Always say less than is necessary. For the more you speak the more apt you are to say something stupid. [paraphrased] In this case, replace
speak with
write and we will have a good life lesson for them.
Unfront,
In a voice that sounds like the wiping of an ass.
Re: When in doubt, kill a child! (BAD WRITING SERIES)
Posted: 05 Nov 2010 18:24
by SandChigger
Replace
speak with
dictahike (the accent is on DIC).
(And "Chig" is fine.
)
