Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

Jokes from Mom:

TALKING DOG

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

Do you know when pinochio learned he was made of wood?
When he masturbated and caught on fire.

More jokes from Mom:

Out of this world .......


Two aliens landed in Parry Sound near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear!'

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty , that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


"REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'


So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'



The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''


St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'



Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.' You know what i'm saying ?

Ok. I confess. I laughed at the gas pump one.

Oh but the last one. I've heard a different version years ago with the punch line being "I is that I is."

Last two were the funniest I think.

SadisticCynic wrote: Last two were the funniest I think.

I agree, almost choked on my coffee on the gas pump one.

A father asked hs son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

The son burst into tears and cried, "Please don't tell me!"

Confused, dad asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny Speach', when I was seven I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy Speach', when I was eight I got the 'There's no Santa Speach. If you're going to tell me grown-ups don't really get laid I'll have nothing left to live for!"

(I presume that is not one your mother sent you! )

SandChigger wrote:


(I presume that is not one your mother sent you! )

You presume wrong!

You must have some kind of mother.

Eyes High wrote:You must have some kind of mother.

Catholic school girl/ballerina who got into voodoo, was born again on a Ouijia board and is now a zealot.

She's quite a character.

Freakzilla wrote:

Eyes High wrote:You must have some kind of mother.

Catholic school girl/ballerina who got into voodoo, was born again on a Ouijia board and is now a zealot.

She's quite a character.

She belongs on the USA Network.

You know, because characters are welcome there.

More jokes from Mom:

How Fights Start


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a
DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"


And that's how the fight started...




*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And that's how the fight started...



******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.


And that's how the fight started...



******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'


And that's how the fight started...


******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started...



******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll
have the steak, medium rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""


Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's how the fight started...



******************************************


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'



And that's how the fight started...

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.' The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about..' The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'


Don't you just love lawyers?!

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Other than the very first, fishing-in-the-rain one and one about the the gas station, it was a pretty good batch this time.


(The gas station one was just boring.)

Tough crowd tonight Freak.

There should be a two drink minimum on this forum.

Hell Aye!!

There isn't?

Freakzilla wrote:There should be a two drink minimum on this forum.

Two? ... cheap site.

A Thing of Eternity wrote:There isn't?

dont' know why, but that made me laugh the hardest......



oh and Freak.....ouch one a few of those "and the fight started" ones.. espeacially the disability gag. Can we say double ouch?

More from Mom:

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

********************

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma