Humor

[SandRider]

that A&M story's true - that professor was teaching there in the early 70s, flunked out my brother ...

[Freakzilla]

Military Humor:

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." - U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician - Woo Hoo
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"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF - Ammo Troop
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"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot )
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A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! - USAF Navi-guesser - Woo Hoo
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case ....."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
Unknown disgruntled Grunt
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ..... The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and
"Oh Crap!"
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" Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation: We never left one up there!"
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley -(Northrop test pilot)
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
(FAA FSS sez: VNR INVOF TSTMS!!!)
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"

[Freakzilla]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together in a Louisiana factory.....and both were laid off.

So.....they went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Boudreaux said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Boudreaux $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Thibodeaux, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.' The clerk looked up diesel fitter.... and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Boudreaux found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.

Wut skill?' yelled Boudreaux. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says, 'Yeah......... DIESEL FITTER

[SandRider]

dat be rail funny ....

you might want be fixin them numbers - Luzanna UI be toppin out bout two, two hunnert ana haff by week ...


(here in Texas, I can pull the absolute maximum, which is only $380 per week, but I'm qualified
to draw that every week from now 'til Jesus comes back ...)

[smugetsu]

"If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed toward you."

[Freakzilla]

"If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed toward you."

While on recon missions, some scouts kept a claymore wired up with blasting cap under the flap of their ruck sack with and detonator in it's pocket for an instant ambush.

[Eyes High]

Not really humor, but a cousin of my husband told me about something his twin brother did in 'Nam when they caught a Vietcong sneaking up on a mine to turn it around.

Now back to the humor. Not as funny as what Freak's mom sends to him, still here is part of an email forwarded to me by one of my good friends who just happens to be my Pastor's wife.

You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces in this email - Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. when you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.
4. when you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused, I will use little words.
7. when you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have....
8. when you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my ass off!!
9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; -- because you are MY FRIEND!

Try sending this to 10 of your closest friends..including the person who sent this to you..... Then, get depressed 'cause you can only think of 4!

Hey Nek!, may I borrow some of your Mountain Dew...?

[Freakzilla]

You know you're from Louisiana when...

-Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.
-You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads
-You don't look twice when you see pink flamingos in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.
-You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.
-Your ancestors are buried above the ground .
-You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don't see what all the fuss is about. (YEAH!!!)
-You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco.
-Every once in a while, you have waterfront property .
-You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, 'Don't eat the dead ones,' and you know what he means.
-You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
-You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
-Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads .
-You believe that purple, green , and gold look good together.
-Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
-You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
-Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart.
-Your house payment is less than your utility bill.
-You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.
-Your grandparents are called 'Mam-Maw' and 'Paw-Paw.'
-Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.
-You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a 'New Orleans-based' movie or TV show.
-You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.
-You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.
-When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.
-You've eaten at one or more of these restaurants, AND know how to pronounce them: Prejeans, Tu Jac's, Gallatoire's, Ralph & Kacoo's, Brunet's, or Mulatte's.
-You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten.
-You call home just to find out what your momma'nem are having for supper tonight.
-You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Louisiana

-You are a member of the WHO DAT NATION!

[Snowball]

How do you get a baby into a bowl?

Blend it.

How do you get it back out?

Tortilla chips.

[SandChigger]

Mmmm, dead baby jokes.

[DuneFishUK]

Have you ever had Chicken Tarka ?

It's like Chicken Tikka...




... just a little 'otter.

[A Thing of Eternity]

My old jr high favourite:

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?





























Depends on how thin you slice 'em.

[SadisticCynic]

I guess now that more than one person has submitted a baby joke I can do mine without (too much) reprisal.

What's worse than ten babies in one bin?















One baby in ten bins...

[A Thing of Eternity]

Ooo, that's a classic. I usually hear it with "bucket" or "garbage can" though. I've also heard it modified to be babies nailed to trees.

[SadisticCynic]

Ooo, that's a classic. I usually hear it with "bucket" or "garbage can" though. I've also heard it modified to be babies nailed to trees.

Speaking of which: what do you call a baby nailed to a wall?










Art.

I'd almost forgotten that one.

[A Thing of Eternity]

I'd never heard that one.

I wish I could remember them all, some were pretty lame, but there were a few gooders.

[SandRider]

those are "Bob" jokes -

guy with no arms & no legs in the ocean ? Bob
same guy, nailed to the wall ? Art
girl with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene
same girl in Japan? Irene

&etc.

A stranger offers to walk an 8yo boy home from school, takes a "short-cut" thru the dark woods.
"Sure is scary in here" says the boy.
"You're scared?" says man -"I gotta walk outta here alone."

&etc.

what's black, white, and red all over?


zombie baby eating a nun.

also:

Have you ever had Chicken Tarka ?

It's like Chicken Tikka...




... just a little 'otter.

don't get

[Omphalos]

Those all came from the books "Truly Tasteless Jokes," by Blanche something-or-other.

What do you do with a legless dog? Take him for a drag.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years? Someone dropped a quarter.

Lotsa Polack jokes too.

Blanche was famous for sophisticated humor, as you can tell.

[SandRider]

collection of jokes ?

the dropped quarter was current during the Civil War
(altho "jews" were generally referred to as "hebes")

[Freakzilla]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Ampoliros]

There were these twin brothers who were the best of friends and always did everything together. They had gone to the same schools, lived in the same neighborhood, did the same job and went on the same vacations.

One weekend they went camping on a nearby mountain. As they cooked dinner one of them remarked on how they had always done everything together and mentioned that they had practically never done anything apart. They talked about this and finally the other brother suggested the next day at dawn they would go in two separate directions and then meet back that evening to talk about what they had seen. The other agreed and they ate and then went to sleep.

The next morning the first man went up the mountain, while his brother headed down into the valley. He climbed up a rocky cliff and crossed a rushing stream that coursed down the side of the mountain. He got to the top just as dawn broke over the mountains. He took in the beautiful sight as the sun's light lit up the sky and illuminated the earth for hundreds of miles around. He sat there and meditated and took in nature in all its glory. When the Sun started dipping back behind the horizon he headed back to the campsite to meet his brother and share with him his amazing day.

He was cooking dinner when his brother walked up, also with a look of great contentment on his face. They cracked a couple beers and ate a pair of steaks while the first brother told his tale of the mountain top and nature's beauty and the immense feeling of contentment he had found that day. When he was finished he asked his brother about his own day.

"Well, it started out much the same as yours, I found the same creek and followed it down. I saw a mother bear teaching her cubs to fish, and saw a pair of hawks dancing with each other in the sky. Then I went further down into the valley and came across some rail tracks so I decided to follow them for a while. I came across a beautiful woman tied to the tracks so I untied her and had the most amazing sex all day long."

"Wow" the first brother said. "That sounds much better than my day. So? Did she blow you?"

"Naw," the second brother said "I couldn't find her head."

[Eyes High]

[Freakzilla]

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts
to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.'

[Freakzilla]

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:


Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.


1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia



(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian

[Nekhrun]

I have seen this before, but what I would really love to hear is someone's response to this who picks and chooses like Dr. Laura. I love watching hypocrites get schooled like this.