Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

Kevin has finally come out and shown the world his NEW BIG THANG!

No, he hasn't had a penile transplant that would make him the belle of the size-queen balls or anything like that.

HE'S BEEN WRITIN' ROCK SONGS WITH 'BECCA!

On paper your words,
your thoughts, your love…
I read with a bleeeeee
ding heart.
The ink is smeared
with a tear, my love.
For my life
was lost
without you.

Sealed in a bottle,
a gift from the sea!
Borne on the waves
from you to me!
Oh the currents and tides
were merciful guides
to bring your letter to me.

OH MY unhyphenated GAWD! Isn't that just BRILLIANT SHIT?!

Jesus fucking christ!!!!!!!!!

Rob

you made that bullshit up, right ?

this is the new big whatever he was babbling about in his blahg ?
gonna change rock music and fantasy fiction forever or whatever ?

that's too fucking pathetic to even laugh at.

that's just fucking sad.

loser.

SandRider wrote:you made that bullshit up, right ?

I kid you not.

Go to his MySpace page and listen to the song "Merciful Tides". I transcribed the first verse and chorus. (Couldn't stomach doing more. )

http://www.myspace.com/kevinjanderson

(Watch out, tho: he's got a fucking 5 MB animated gif banner for the book. I guess TAZ has been busy again. )

Didn't Michael Moorcock do this about 30 years ago with the mighty Hawkwind. Has anyone read "Gloriana, or The Unfulfill'd Queen" a fine book from what I recall.

So apparently all he did was write the lyrics and have other people perform them. If he wanted to get into rock, the least he could do was learn to play a guitar, that grossly inept fuck. He probably dictated the lyrics into a tape recorder while hiking, and had Rebecca Mo-yeast-a transcribe them.

I'm suprised he doesn't just change the lyrics to old songls by dead musicians.

That would be par for the course.

I think he has. Those verses are basically taken from rock songs we've all heard before. How appropriate

GamePlayer wrote:I think he has. Those verses are basically taken from rock songs we've all heard before. How appropriate

And somehow he manages to make them even shittier than the first time.

I think I might give up on insulting this guy. He obviously has some kind of mental condition that doesn't allow him shame.

inhuien wrote:Didn't Michael Moorcock do this about 30 years ago with the mighty Hawkwind.

Moorcock also has writing credits with Blue Oyster Cult. Two of my favorite BOC songs ever, in fact, are co-written by MM.

As for the original post ... there's just no way that's real, right? That reads like someone writing clichéd rock lyrics on purpose. It can't be for real ... can it?

My gawd...did that PoD parody damage my credibility so badly?

Honest to God ... um, well that won't work, will it....

Anyway, I just transcribed the first verse and chorus of one of the songs on his MySpace page. Wait a few days and he'll post them himself, and then you'll see.

(I mean, there may be a word or two off: the "Oh..." in "Oh the currents and tides" sounded more like "Are...", but that doesn't make sense in the line; and the "bleeeeeeeee-DING!" bit is a joke, of course. But other than that, what you see is what I heard.)

A Thing of Eternity wrote:I think I might give up on insulting this guy. He obviously has some kind of mental condition that doesn't allow him shame.

I think you're right there.

These are like the love poems I found that my brother wrote and left lying around when he was about 17, and that I heard him rehearsing secretly and eventually heard him say them to her over the phone, but pretending they were spontaneous.

*giggle*

I kid you not, I was ready to kill myself after the chorus. They could use that for torture instead of waterboarding.

I hope he gets my message in a bottle:

I'M COMMING YOU BITCH!

Sole Man wrote:I hope he gets my message in a bottle:

I'M COMMING YOU BITCH!

Your message being ... what?

1. "I'm doing some COMMie shit!"

2. "I'm trying to COMMunicate with you!"

3. "I'm in COMMand here, woman!"

4. "I'm a FUNCTIONAL ILLITERATE!"

I'm from a COMMune?

I'll come along quietly COMMissioner?

I'm studying COMMerce?

line from bad lipsync hong kong porno ?

SandRider wrote:line from bad lipsync hong kong porno ?

BINGO!

Or maybe..

BEN-GO!

OK ... so I got back this afternoon from my latest visit to my dentist (who I'm convinced is a Gray from Alpha Centauri) and thought, Well, that didn't hurt nearly enough. What can I do to make myself really miserable? ... Oh! I'll transcribe one of Kevin's songs!

Since I'd already done part of "Merciful Tides", I decided to try "I am the Point".

This is one of those screamy songs. The kind I really don't like. I haven't bothered to see who the singer is. Might be one of those famous musicians whose names Kevin is always dropping right and left for all I care. Sounds to me like he's singing down in a well. Or maybe a whale. Anyway, there are probably some really off spots in this one.

Entropy. Deal.

I AM THE POINT

SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA

I am the point!
I am the point!
I am the point.

I hear the crowds cheer
I can taste their fear
I see them look up to me
Deeply believe in me
I know what they want from me...

I … I yam the point!
The point of their lives.
Their lives of desperation.

SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
I am the point.

I hear your efforts.
But I roll the dice.
I feel all your wants and needs
I see them present in dreams.
I know what you want from me.

I … I am the point!
The point of your death
Your ….

SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
Yaaaaaaaa!
SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
Whaaa! I am the point
(The point of no return.…)

[something something] right
To take up to fight
I let no one [blah blah blah]
I seize destiny [blah blah]
I know what I have to be...

I … I yam the point!
The point of the sun!
The sun the proves the one.
I am the bun!
I ate the bun!
I am the one!

I am the point!

SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
Nnnnnnnn!
SHOK KRI SUBA VOL ONT RA SUDA
I am the point!

Oh yeah! I forgot to menschen, er, I mean mention the really AWFUL heavy DARK ELVES BOYS CHORUS singing in ... Orcish, I think it is.

Does anyone even like the music?

Anyway, cheering crowds and all that shit: we KNOW Kevin wrote this one.

Pretentious shite.

Kevvie, Pretentious, Non.

This is an exercise in self-gratification. We just should thank our lucky stars that fucking spunk bubble has no real power.

I hear the crowds cheer
I can taste their fear
I see them look up to me
Deeply believe in me
I know what they want from me...

Apparently he didn't write this about us... If he did, it would go more like this:

I hear the crowds cuss
I can taste their disgust
I see them look down on me
Brian's dick deeply within me
I know what he wants from me...

OH. MY. G-D.



I really been layin off the drinkin when I first get up, but .....

Here's his latest release:

Don't fear the Peeper.

The Ti-II-ime has come
here but no-oow they cum
Prereleased Dune books don't fear the peeper
nor STARWARS, SUPERMAN, or the X-FILES.
I can be like they are
c'mon 'Becca, Don't fear the peeper,
'becca take my hand, Don't fear the peeper.
We'll be able to fly, don't fear the peeper.
'Becca I'm your gay sex Slaaa-aave!

Kevvy has posted more about the "novel" part of this deal over on MySpace:

So many of you have been writing to ask what "Terra Incognita" is about. I've posted the cover copy below. This is an epic fantasy for those who like George RR Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire" -- a little bit of magic, a dash of the impossible, but in it's sensibilities the novel is like a historical novel in an imaginary land.

I love the little Simon/Sloey touch in the last sentence. Kevin's dedication to his craft shows in every scrap of text he writes. Or hikes and then proofreads. (I assume he types these blahg posts himself. But you never know.)

Anyway, if Kevin's definition of an "epic fantasy" includes "a little bit of magic" and "a dash of the impossible" ... what distinguishes it from his definition of an "epic science-fiction saga"?

Maybe, as we've long suspected, there is no difference?

(The "cover copy" he includes makes it sound like thinly disguised European/World history. Two opposing countries, two opposing religions, an agreement to divide the unexplored world between them. Just add a little magic and a sea monster or two. )