Random Crap

SandChigger · Post by **SandChigger** » 17 Feb 2009 14:52

Actually "over to Alabama" would probably be more accurate, since the little shit is in Georgia.

With Freak.

[hops quickly away, whistling...]

Sole Man · Post by **Sole Man** » 17 Feb 2009 18:26

SandChigger wrote:
Sole Man wrote:That's bullshit, my parents never got divorced
Are you sure they ever managed to get married, being close relatives and all?

Chig, Dont you know anything? I said We wer etrying to Breed away from each other, so we could join back later.

Gawd, its like you don't understand me at all!

(On BTW, Chig, seeing as how stu- I mean Overly smart you are, just in case you can't recognize it, this post was a joke. Just watchin' out for you buddy

)

Post by **Freakzilla** » 25 Feb 2009 16:09

Mom sent me this:

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic). We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute 'Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", or "We Are the World".
We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other like minded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

Ps. please take Barbra Streisand.

A Thing of Eternity · Post by **A Thing of Eternity** » 25 Feb 2009 16:16

Nothing quite like intelligent discourse.

Kinda funny though, bit dry.

Drunken Idaho · Post by **Drunken Idaho** » 25 Feb 2009 16:34

Yeah, seems to mock both sides if you ask me. Although the "we" talk makes their position pretty clear. Heck, a liberal could play that game too...

You take your constant fear of the second coming of Christ, and we'll take science.

Post by **Freakzilla** » 25 Feb 2009 16:44

Drunken Idaho wrote:Yeah, seems to mock both sides if you ask me. Although the "we" talk makes their position pretty clear. Heck, a liberal could play that game too...

You take your constant fear of the second coming of Christ, and we'll take science.

Personally I prefer it the way it is where I can pick and choose the best from each side.

More email goodness:

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Post by **Freakzilla** » 25 Feb 2009 16:47

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long ti me to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it as a public service.

A Thing of Eternity · Post by **A Thing of Eternity** » 25 Feb 2009 16:54

That's not bad.

Tleszer · Post by **Tleszer** » 25 Feb 2009 20:52

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

(That's what she said.)

inhuien · Post by **inhuien** » 26 Feb 2009 05:52

SandChigger · Post by **SandChigger** » 26 Feb 2009 06:13

Is it OK to laugh at that?

Post by **Freakzilla** » 26 Feb 2009 07:23

I couldn't help it.

A Thing of Eternity · Post by **A Thing of Eternity** » 26 Feb 2009 13:01

SandChigger wrote:Is it OK to laugh at that?

Yes. Yes it is.

Tleszer · Post by **Tleszer** » 27 Feb 2009 15:52

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D99NHb6B03s

Anyone else want one of these?

Eyes High · Post by **Eyes High** » 28 Feb 2009 01:45

stock too short.

inhuien · Post by **inhuien** » 28 Feb 2009 06:31

I bet Bank robbers would just LOVE that.

inhuien · Post by **inhuien** » 28 Feb 2009 08:38

Now there's no way that I could endorse this. Oh no, no sir, no way. Yes. Fuck

Nekhrun · Post by **Nekhrun** » 28 Feb 2009 09:30

That was a great way to start the day.

DuneFishUK · Post by **DuneFishUK** » 28 Feb 2009 18:34

inhuien · Post by **inhuien** » 14 Mar 2009 07:00

Harry Enfield - Frightening Diseases of the Mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlv3B1078PA

Seraphan · Post by **Seraphan** » 14 Mar 2009 07:19

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdgdBOTUSqg
You'll pee in your pants with this. From laughter i mean.

Edit: More of the same:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2btD0wdx ... re=related

inhuien · Post by **inhuien** » 14 Mar 2009 07:28

This is always good for a laugh http://www.engrish.com/.

Illogical Banana · Post by **Illogical Banana** » 16 Mar 2009 00:24

Found a story about giant sand worms from prehistoric times. Thought some might be interested in it.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandte ... claim.html

I like this quote from it: "They would have looked like the worms from the film Dune. It is science fiction meeting science fact."

SandChigger · Post by **SandChigger** » 16 Mar 2009 02:09

Truly frightening ... if you were a mouse-sized critter, I'm sure.

"The worms, which grew up to 3ft long and 6in wide, are thought to have lived underground before dinosaurs roamed the earth."

orald · Post by **orald** » 16 Mar 2009 04:38

SandChigger wrote:"The worms, which grew up to 3ft long and 6in wide, are thought to have lived underground before dinosaurs roamed the earth."

I want to have me some of that worm, if you know what I mean.

J A C U R U T U

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