Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

Reminds me of that great episode from West Wing.

Freakzilla wrote:3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

That's all well and good, but I would like to know the answers to these questions, because that is always awkward. It tends to be a conversation-killer because it's a bit of a faux pas.

merkin muffley wrote:

Freakzilla wrote:3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

That's all well and good, but I would like to know the answers to these questions, because that is always awkward. It tends to be a conversation-killer because it's a bit of a faux pas.

Or, you could just say "fuck it" and get your red-wings, like a real man.

Omphalos wrote:Or, you could just say "fuck it" and get your red-wings, like a real man.

Red wings, I believe, were first mentioned in Dante, not the Bible, and are technically non-canon even though they are part of the religious practices of many Christians. In the 9th circle of Hell, Satan gets his red wings.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Well touching a football with your hands is a foul, the sport equivalent of the sin(that is you're only punished for it unless you get caught), so you shouldn't need gloves(unless you're the goal keeper!)

Huh?
Wassat?
Football?

Yeah...
Foot
Ball!

merkin muffley wrote:

Freakzilla wrote:3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

That's all well and good, but I would like to know the answers to these questions, because that is always awkward. It tends to be a conversation-killer because it's a bit of a faux pas.

This question is actually a bit of a fallacy, considering it's not a case of asking a random woman on a night out. Under the law 'contact with a woman' was only for married couples, no?

Exodus 20:14 wrote:14 “You must not commit adultery.

I would actually like to see a Jewish perspective on these questions; could be interesting...

Anyway, back to humor!

SadisticCynic wrote:This question is actually a bit of a fallacy, considering it's not a case of asking a random woman on a night out.

Shit! I knew I was going wrong somewhere! This is why I wanted to hear Dr. Laura's answers.

merkin muffley wrote:

Omphalos wrote:Or, you could just say "fuck it" and get your red-wings, like a real man.

Red wings, I believe, were first mentioned in Dante, not the Bible, and are technically non-canon even though they are part of the religious practices of many Christians. In the 9th circle of Hell, Satan gets his red wings.

Satan should be so lucky.

merkin muffley wrote:

SadisticCynic wrote:This question is actually a bit of a fallacy, considering it's not a case of asking a random woman on a night out.

Shit! I knew I was going wrong somewhere! This is why I wanted to hear Dr. Laura's answers.

Sorry, I meant Question 3, not your comment (you know, I almost typed 'you're' just then; I need some disinfectant ).

SadisticCynic wrote:I meant Question 3, not your comment

Oh, I know, I was just really getting involved with the menstruation humor, for some reason.

http://www.amazon.com/Red-Tent-Novel-An ... 0312427298" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I've been trapped in that tent before. It can get scary in there.

Ah yes! Menses. There is no greater pleasure than a revulsion overcome.

From the Editorial Reviews:

"Like any sisters who live together and share a husband, my mother and aunties spun a sticky web of loyalties and grudges," Anita Diamant writes in the voice of Dinah. "They traded secrets like bracelets, and these were handed down to me the only surviving girl. They told me things I was too young to hear. They held my face between their hands and made me swear to remember." Remembering women's earthy stories and passionate history is indeed the theme of this magnificent book. In fact, it's been said that The Red Tent is what the Bible might have been had it been written by God's daughters, instead of her sons. --Gail Hudson --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Smooth, eh?

SadisticCynic wrote:

written by God's daughters, instead of her sons. --Gail Hudson

Smooth, eh?

High Five, Gail!

God being female would explain a lot about the universe, actually.

SandChigger wrote:God being female would explain a lot about the universe, actually.

Really? I think God being a giant magic 8-ball would really explain some stuff.

That's just your personal perspective, from being behind one all the time.

A Thing of Eternity wrote:

Oh, goody! Haven't lost the knack of shocking Da Thang!

SandChigger wrote:

A Thing of Eternity wrote:

Oh, goody! Haven't lost the knack of shocking Da Thang!

That sounded waaay too sexual for my brain to want to comprehend.

Tleszer wrote:That sounded waaay too sexual for my brain to want to comprehend.

Oh, goody! Haven't lost the knack of titillating Da Tleszer!

Famous Insults from Mom:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Brilliant!

Especially:

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

Some of Mark Twain's are pretty good as well; I like the one about the envelope.

My personal favourite:

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

Did a mental double-take first time I read it. Fantastic.

HBJ