Jᴀᴄᴜʀᴜᴛᴜ - Tʜᴇ Cᴀsᴛ Oᴜᴛ

trang wrote:CL, I highly advise against it, but if you must take the plunge, prior to cracking the lid do the following:

1. Drink two fifths of Jim Beam
2. Wrap your head in aluminum Foil
3. Put on your Night Vision Goggles
4. Get near a fireplace and Start up a good roaring Blaze.

After your setup... you can read one chapter at a time, with a hour break inbetween. This hour will be listening to the Audio version of GEoD.

These precautions should protect you from the evil manure that pours from that abominative Tome!!!!

Be Safe on Your perilous journey!
Trang

He could tear out each page and throw it in the fire as he reads it, too.

Freakzilla wrote:He could tear out each page and throw it in the fire as he reads it, too.

My thoughts exactly. The only problem would be that the compulsion to throw the whole damn book in before you finish might become overwhelming.

Well, maybe that's not a problem, exactly ...

HBJ

Hunchback Jack wrote:

Freakzilla wrote:He could tear out each page and throw it in the fire as he reads it, too.

My thoughts exactly. The only problem would be that the compulsion to throw the whole damn book in before you finish might become overwhelming.

Well, maybe that's not a problem, exactly ...

HBJ

We should start a pool... On which page does the whole book get thrown in the fire.

Freakzilla wrote:

Hunchback Jack wrote:

Freakzilla wrote:He could tear out each page and throw it in the fire as he reads it, too.

My thoughts exactly. The only problem would be that the compulsion to throw the whole damn book in before you finish might become overwhelming.

Well, maybe that's not a problem, exactly ...

HBJ

We should start a pool... On which page does the whole book get thrown in the fire.

The dedication page.

Well, I've started it but nothing has happened yet, apart from Omnius, the all-powerful evermind, making a spelling mistake in the first page when droning on about his 'strenth'. This feels like a rush job.

All that's happened so far is, basically, fuck all apart from the Ithaca is lost in space trying to escape the tachyon net and the old man and woman are really Omnius and Erasmus in human drag but you knew that anyway as we told you in the last chapter of the book before this one but we're remindin you anyway in case you forgot as it's essential to the plot and we're not padding the book out honestly and the Last Master of the Tleilaxu has a young ghola and he's trying to restore his memories and needs some sort of psychic stress to do so but we told you that loads of times in the last book but you might have forgotten that as well oh yeah the Last Master is deteriorating and is about to croak so it's a bit of a panic for him really oh yes the old enemy is on its way to exterminate everyone but Murbella is trying to get the Guild and Ix to help her fight the old enemy with the New Sisterhood which is a combination of the Bene Gesserit and the Honoured Matres did we mention that yes I think we did about five hundred times in Hunters but some of you may not remember so we'd thought we'd best tell you again new chapter please Brian please insert one of those chapter introduction things I left a pile of them on the bedside table this morning thanks love now Murbella knows about the axtolt tanks we mentioned that in Hunters the Honoured Matres were old axtotl tanks mixed up with renegade Bene Gesserits and demented Fish Speakers what a twist I am quite proud of that one did I mention the old enemy are robots do you remember the events of the Butlierian Jihad no? well let me remind you next chapter please oh dear a grizzly bear is eating my left leg I'll have to get back to you

etc etc etc

This shoudl be a good read.

You nailed it exactly. Let us know when you get to some actual plot that isn't just a vehicle for needless recap.

HBJ

Hunchback Jack wrote:

You nailed it exactly. Let us know when you get to some actual plot that isn't just a vehicle for needless recap.

HBJ

There isn't any.

Every single plot line in the book ends having nothing to do with the resolution. If every single plot in the book had the exact opposite ending the outcome of the book would remain uneffected. It's actually pretty damned amazing, I've never seen anything quite like it. Should probably be in text books or something.

Bear of Dune strikes again!

In my edition, "Strenth" is spelled "Strength."

I always thought it was spelled "Stignth."

chanilover wrote:Well, I've started it but nothing has happened yet ...

Oh, man, it's been two days since he's checked in ... I think the book got him!

Speak to us, CL! Are you there? Is everything okay?

Oh, the humanity!

chanilover wrote:Well, I've started it but nothing has happened yet, apart from Omnius, the all-powerful evermind, making a spelling mistake in the first page when droning on about his 'strenth'. This feels like a rush job.

All that's happened so far is, basically, fuck all apart from the Ithaca is lost in space trying to escape the tachyon net and the old man and woman are really Omnius and Erasmus in human drag but you knew that anyway as we told you in the last chapter of the book before this one but we're remindin you anyway in case you forgot as it's essential to the plot and we're not padding the book out honestly and the Last Master of the Tleilaxu has a young ghola and he's trying to restore his memories and needs some sort of psychic stress to do so but we told you that loads of times in the last book but you might have forgotten that as well oh yeah the Last Master is deteriorating and is about to croak so it's a bit of a panic for him really oh yes the old enemy is on its way to exterminate everyone but Murbella is trying to get the Guild and Ix to help her fight the old enemy with the New Sisterhood which is a combination of the Bene Gesserit and the Honoured Matres did we mention that yes I think we did about five hundred times in Hunters but some of you may not remember so we'd thought we'd best tell you again new chapter please Brian please insert one of those chapter introduction things I left a pile of them on the bedside table this morning thanks love now Murbella knows about the axtolt tanks we mentioned that in Hunters the Honoured Matres were old axtotl tanks mixed up with renegade Bene Gesserits and demented Fish Speakers what a twist I am quite proud of that one did I mention the old enemy are robots do you remember the events of the Butlierian Jihad no? well let me remind you next chapter please oh dear a grizzly bear is eating my left leg I'll have to get back to you

etc etc etc

This shoudl be a good read.

See my previous post CL! I warned ya!! Double layer wrap your head in Aluminum foil and drink some more Jim beam it will ward off the dizzing idiotic repetition that drives monkeys eating pizza in a lab to become gun carrying assasins!!

Toss it in the flame of purification and run... run away!

Trang

I'm still alive! I haven't read any more in the last couple of days, but I'll take it up again next week and let you know of any exciting plot developments.

The writing style is clearly aimed at teenagers (sorry Sloey), it's just so poor. What a fucking hack. Still, I'll persevere. I've got a meeting out of town next week so I'll be on the train for a couple of hours either way. Time for some serious brain-melting delving into the masterpiece of drivel that is - Sandworms of Dune.

Hey, CL- If you ever see Hugh Luarie out there in England, tell him I said hi.


Also, if need be, get your boyfreind to butt-fuck you, sex helps.

Sloe Man wrote:Hey, CL- If you ever see Hugh Luarie out there in England, tell him I said hi.


Also, if need be, get your boyfreind to butt-fuck you, sex helps.

And Sloey finally feels the freedom Jacurutu has to offer. Even though what his idea of sex is I'm sure I'd find awkward and disturbing.

Sole Man wrote:Hey, CL- If you ever see Hugh Luarie out there in England, tell him I said hi.


Also, if need be, get your boyfreind to butt-fuck you, sex helps.

You can say anything you want, but disturbing the peace will be prosecuted.

Sole Man wrote:Also, if need be, get your boyfreind to butt-fuck you, sex helps.

That was unnecessary.

Sole Man wrote:Hey, CL- If you ever see Hugh Luarie out there in England, tell him I said hi.


Also, if need be, get your boyfreind to butt-fuck you, sex helps.

That's probably the best idea you've ever had, Sloe Man, you little shit.

OK, I thought you were all exaggerating, and it couldn't be as bad as you said it was. In fact, it is so relentlessly shit that it's almost a work of art. I don't think I've ever read anything so poorly written.

Piter de Vries has a voice that sounds like vinegar. Eh? Did he smell of yellow as well?

The robots are travelling in their light speed ships because they shit themselves if they try to fold space, but the Baron and Paolo just hop on a space-folding ship piloted by Face Dancers. Why don't the robots have Face Dancer pilots to speed up the destruction of humans?

I'll keep reading this in fits and starts, as it is so bad that it's a marvel to behold. This crappy book is everying I'd expect from a sci-fi novel - utter drivel. It doesn't deserve the word "Dune" in its title.

chanilover wrote: In fact, it is so relentlessly shit that it's almost a work of art.

Just got me a new sig line

My favorite way to describe it is with a line I stole from the MTV cartoon Doria, "Their shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth."

A Thing of Eternity wrote:

chanilover wrote: In fact, it is so relentlessly shit that it's almost a work of art.

Just got me a new sig line

What an honour!

This book is giving me brain-ache. I've just read the bit where Teg, Sheanna and the others are captured by being pelted with rocks by outer space aborigines. It's like something from Star Trek.

That's an insult to Star Trek!

Oh...oh...careful! You'll get Hyppaka worked up and she'll have kittens somewhere!

Mandy wrote:That's an insult to Star Trek!

Just because it's insulting, doesn't mean it's not hilarious

Well, I finished it but I've only just come to terms with it. What can I say that hasn't been said a thousand times before? It was mesmerisingly bad, I don't think I've come across anything quite like it. It's like reading a transcript of a debate between Dubya Bush and Lipstick Bulldog Woman.

Scenes of particular note -

- the planet Prix. Apparently, some Honoured Matres were raised communally on Prix. I'm not sure if that was meant to be a joke, but it was the only part of the book which made me chuckle

- whores whores whores, look out for the whores, the whores are coming, did you hear the whores have joined the Bene Gesserit typical of the whores did I hear you say whore? Yes you did and I'll say it again whores whores whores!

- Yueh unplugging the axlotl tank to kill the baby Piter but no! He was wrong, he has killed the foetus of the baby Leto, the Red Duke! Oh, the humanity! Apparently, when Yueh was told this, he looked like he had been felled with an axe. I have never seen someone felled with an axe, although I have seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and I imagine it would look something like a scene from that movie. The language in this book is so bad it's astonishing

- the story of the dagger which was the dagger given by Shaddam to Leto as a gift and later Leto gave it back to Shaddam at his trial but then Shaddam gave it to Feyd-Rautha in the duel with Paul and then Hasimir stabbed Paul with it and they found the dagger with some blood and grew the ghola of Paolo and then Erasmus says "I love convoluted stories". What a pile of shit, the only people who would find this story convoluted are idiots. Anyone else would just find it tedious.

- Paul sucking his blood back in like a sponge, in the same way preeks suck this shit-filled drivel into their brains and somehow convert it into "a good book"

- the Face Dancer plot is revealed, and Paul lets out a whistle. Paul has been turned into an all-American retard. I'm surprised he didn't say, "dude, that's freakin AWESOME!"

- never again will Tleilaxu females become tanks, as Scytale is now a good guy! I think this is the worst scene, it's is so infantile that you would laugh at it if you weren't so numb from the pages of shite which had preceded it

I had a grudging respect for preeks at one point, as I thought the books weren't that bad, and it was just a matter of taste. This book is so fucking crap and I am amazed that anyone would even try to defend it. It doesn't deserve the word "DUNE" on the title, but let's face it, without that one word there's no way anyone would buy this shit.