• Register
  • Login
  •          

    Political Humor

    Image
      Abandon all sanity, ye who enter here!

    Moderators: Omphalos, Freakzilla, ᴶᵛᵀᴬ

    Political Humor

    Postby Freakzilla » 30 Mar 2009 11:42

    JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

    A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

    The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

    The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
    The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
    hot tea, "My treat."

    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?"
    He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
    said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
    Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

    Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Postby GamePlayer » 30 Mar 2009 11:51

    LOL :)
    "They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."
    User avatar
    GamePlayer
    70mm God
     
    Posts: 2993
    Joined: 09 Feb 2008 11:26
    Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

    Postby Crysknife » 30 Mar 2009 12:20

    I've never met a Democrat like that, but I've met a lot of gun tottin hick republicans that would be like that.

    It's the Democrats that drink the tea and coffee in these parts.....well, and the beer too! :D
    Image
    User avatar
    Crysknife
     
    Posts: 593
    Joined: 09 Feb 2008 02:15
    Location: SLC, punk

    Postby SandChigger » 30 Mar 2009 12:26

    Now, Crys, don't disturb his vision of the world with a little reality. (I don't know anyone like that, either.) :P
    User avatar
    SandChigger
    KJASF Ground Zero
     
    Posts: 14490
    Joined: 08 Feb 2008 22:29
    Location: "Whatcha having, shoog? Hurry up and order now, I ain't got all day!"

    Postby Freakzilla » 30 Mar 2009 12:28

    Don't we have a beer drinking democrat on dissability as a member here?

    :wink:
    Last edited by Freakzilla on 30 Mar 2009 13:18, edited 1 time in total.
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Postby GamePlayer » 30 Mar 2009 12:48

    One day, a republican is hit by a car and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and St. Peter says, "Welcome to the afterlife. Here you'll stay one day in hell and one day in heaven, after which you must choose". The republican thanks St. Peter, but says he's already made his choice. St. Peter replies, "Sorry, but rules are rules."

    So, St. Peter escorts the republican to an elevator and they descend to hell. The doors open to reveal a beautiful green land of sun filled with the republican's like-minded friends and republican family all dressed for a party hosted by the devil. They laugh, celebrate and reminisce with the republican about all their great republican accomplishments, the devil himself being a wonderful republican gentleman. Before long, the day passes and the republican has to leave.

    So, St. Peter escorts the republican back to the elevator and they ascend into heaven. Among the clouds and stars, the republican enjoys the company of contented souls playing harps and singing. Time passes quickly and the republican returns to St. Peter.

    "Well" says the republican, "I never thought I'd say this, but while heaven was quite lovely, I think I'd be much happier in hell". St. Peter escorts the republican down to hell. The elevator doors open upon a barren wasteland and the republican's family and are now dressed in rags, miserably shuffling down the blighted streets. The still well dressed and personable devil arrives and kindly welcomes the republican to hell. "But yesterday this was a green land of plenty where my friends were well off and healthy. How can this be?", asks the shocked republican.

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!"

    :)
    "They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."
    User avatar
    GamePlayer
    70mm God
     
    Posts: 2993
    Joined: 09 Feb 2008 11:26
    Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

    Postby Seraphan » 30 Mar 2009 13:26

    :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
    Image
    "The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand." - Frank Herbert
    “This tutoring is dialectical. Literature makes us better noticers of life; we get to practice on life itself; which in turn makes us better readers of detail in literature; which in turn makes us better readers of life. And so on and on.” - James Wood
    User avatar
    Seraphan
     
    Posts: 749
    Joined: 03 Jul 2008 08:36
    Location: Right Behind You!

    Postby SwordMaster » 30 Mar 2009 13:51

    FZ - more funny in the south
    Gameplayer - more funny to the left

    Good jokes guys. My joke is really more of a request.

    Watch Glen Beck. You will laugh.
    I am a turd. Do not emulate me, or Omphalos shall mock you as well.
    User avatar
    SwordMaster
    Freakbanned
     
    Posts: 781
    Joined: 24 Feb 2009 20:35
    Location: Toronto

    Postby Freakzilla » 30 Mar 2009 13:59

    Most of these jokes can go either way, just switch the party names.
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Postby SwordMaster » 30 Mar 2009 14:03

    Yeah I got a chuckle out of both jokes. I enjoy that sort of stuff.

    As some of my family in Florida would say "its only funny if you make fun of the hippies"

    hippie = democrat
    I am a turd. Do not emulate me, or Omphalos shall mock you as well.
    User avatar
    SwordMaster
    Freakbanned
     
    Posts: 781
    Joined: 24 Feb 2009 20:35
    Location: Toronto

    Postby Crysknife » 30 Mar 2009 14:08

    SandChigger wrote:Now, Crys, don't disturb his vision of the world with a little reality. (I don't know anyone like that, either.) :P


    Ok, ok, I don't know many Democrats like that. :P
    Image
    User avatar
    Crysknife
     
    Posts: 593
    Joined: 09 Feb 2008 02:15
    Location: SLC, punk

    Postby Eyes High » 30 Mar 2009 14:58

    not bad. Both jokes where good. And like was said. just change the names of the groups around and it could be told in almost in situation.

    :lol:

    Thanks for the chuckles
    What fear is there in the night?
    Nothing, but that which is in our own imaginations.
    User avatar
    Eyes High
    Patience Personified
     
    Posts: 2320
    Joined: 22 Jul 2008 15:32
    Location: between the worlds of men and make believe

    Postby GamePlayer » 31 Mar 2009 10:12

    Yeah, these jokes can go either way; that's the fun. But we already had a right one, so I posted a left one. So, where are the other jokes? Come on people, join in :)
    "They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."
    User avatar
    GamePlayer
    70mm God
     
    Posts: 2993
    Joined: 09 Feb 2008 11:26
    Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 31 Mar 2009 13:19

    Conservative.


    ...Not just a one-liner, it's a one-worder. :wink:
    Image
    User avatar
    A Thing of Eternity
     
    Posts: 6090
    Joined: 08 Apr 2008 15:35
    Location: Calgary Alberta

    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 31 Mar 2009 13:30

    Baraka Bryan wrote:
    A Thing of Eternity wrote:Conservative.


    ...Not just a one-liner, it's a one-worder. :wink:


    :lol:

    Jack Layton's Moustache :P


    Oooo... you win. You could have replaced Moustache with just about anything though, or just left it at Jack Layton. :lol:
    Image
    User avatar
    A Thing of Eternity
     
    Posts: 6090
    Joined: 08 Apr 2008 15:35
    Location: Calgary Alberta

    Postby SwordMaster » 31 Mar 2009 14:28

    I like Jack's Stash.

    Its his joke of a wife that I cannot stand, she is a walking joke.
    I am a turd. Do not emulate me, or Omphalos shall mock you as well.
    User avatar
    SwordMaster
    Freakbanned
     
    Posts: 781
    Joined: 24 Feb 2009 20:35
    Location: Toronto

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Freakzilla » 02 Jun 2009 16:22

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,




    "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."




    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.




    "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."




    "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"




    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."






    The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."




    "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"




    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

    :D
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby SandRider » 03 Jun 2009 15:06

    I love you, man, but do have ANY IDEA how fucking OLD that joke is ?



    insert FDR & get a feel ...
    ................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
    ImageImage

    I personally feel that this message board, Jacurutu, is full of hateful folks who don't know
    how to fully interact with people.
    ~ "Spice Grandson" (Bryon Merrit) 08 June 2008
    User avatar
    SandRider
    Watermaster
     
    Posts: 6163
    Joined: 05 Oct 2008 16:14
    Location: In the back of your mind. Always.

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Freakzilla » 03 Jun 2009 15:56

    SandRider wrote:I love you, man, but do have ANY IDEA how fucking OLD that joke is ?



    insert FDR & get a feel ...


    Yes, but it's sad that it still applies.
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Freakzilla » 03 Jun 2009 16:05

    OK, tell me how old this one is...

    Did you hear Obama is going to put a 40% tax on asprin?














    Because it's white and it works. :P
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Tleszer » 03 Jun 2009 20:41

    Oy vey!
    DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie
    User avatar
    Tleszer
     
    Posts: 2161
    Joined: 17 Feb 2008 18:02

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Freakzilla » 04 Jun 2009 16:26

    :lol: That picture is awesome!
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Falcor » 04 Jun 2009 18:31

    Well, here's a joke that really can't be switched around, and pardon my prejudices, but here goes:

    ***

    A Republican is walking down Main street and sees a little boy selling puppies out of a box, and says, "Well hello there, what kind of dogs are those?"

    To which the boy replys, "Republicans."

    "Why is that?" he asks.

    "Because they're pure, cute, and cuddly."

    Smiling, he pats the boy on the head and wishes him good luck. The next week, he's walking down the same street, this time with one of his aides, and the same boy is there. He says to his aide, "Hey, you gotta see this." Walking up to the boy, he says, "Hey there again! I know you've told me what kind of dogs those are already, but I was hoping you could tell my friend here."

    To which the boy replies, "Democrats."

    Shocked, he asks, "But, last week you said they were Republicans... Why the change?"

    "Well sir, they've opened their eyes."

    ***

    See, told ya it can't be reversed. :P
    We may assume the superiority ceteris paribus [other things remaining equal] of the demonstration which derives from fewer postulates or hypotheses -- in short, from fewer premises.
    -- Aristotle
    User avatar
    Falcor
     
    Posts: 11
    Joined: 02 Jun 2009 15:31
    Location: OKC, OK, USA

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby SandRider » 04 Jun 2009 18:36

    Freakzilla wrote:OK, tell me how old this one is...

    Did you hear Obama is going to put a 40% tax on asprin?

    Because it's white and it works. :P


    pretty sure you posted it right around the inauguration

    l-rd knows all my sheet-wearing brethern emailed it to me ....

    :sarek:
    ................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
    ImageImage

    I personally feel that this message board, Jacurutu, is full of hateful folks who don't know
    how to fully interact with people.
    ~ "Spice Grandson" (Bryon Merrit) 08 June 2008
    User avatar
    SandRider
    Watermaster
     
    Posts: 6163
    Joined: 05 Oct 2008 16:14
    Location: In the back of your mind. Always.

    Re: Political Humor

    Postby Freakzilla » 04 Jun 2009 18:40

    SandRider wrote:
    Freakzilla wrote:OK, tell me how old this one is...

    Did you hear Obama is going to put a 40% tax on asprin?

    Because it's white and it works. :P


    pretty sure you posted it right around the inauguration

    l-rd knows all my sheet-wearing brethern emailed it to me ....

    :sarek:


    I probably did, that's when my mom sent it to me.
    Image
    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
    User avatar
    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
    Posts: 18073
    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
    Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

    Next

    Return to ˱

    Who is online

    Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

    cron