Second draft


Moderators: Omphalos, Freakzilla, ᴶᵛᵀᴬ

Post Reply
User avatar
Laphtiya
Posts: 215
Joined: 29 Aug 2008 11:57
Location: In an outpost, on the edge of space!

Second draft

Post by Laphtiya »

Hi all, I've refined and added to my mini story. I would like your thoughts please ^.^ also if you have any ideas on how it should go or how Rabban should be done please let me know.

http://www.vegeta.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ ... draft2.doc

Made some changes to the format and corrected a few mistaked after proof reading. Going to add some more tonight I'll let you guys know when I've uploaded it. Shame we dont have a fan fic area on this forum.
Last edited by Laphtiya on 24 Sep 2008 15:08, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
inhuien
Posts: 3638
Joined: 09 Feb 2008 05:03

Post by inhuien »

Thanks for the update. I'll read it later.
User avatar
Laphtiya
Posts: 215
Joined: 29 Aug 2008 11:57
Location: In an outpost, on the edge of space!

Post by Laphtiya »

Thanks for the interest. I've added a little more since I've posted this draft. So you might want to redownload it, sorry for the way I finished this one but I want to get in the habbit of ending mid sentince because I can pick it up easier.

Again I'd like thoughts, advice and some pointers in where it should go next. Although I am writing this, I am writing it for all you Dune fans so you are more than welcome to have some input to the story as well. From actual scenes, script or those quotes that are at the start of each chapters.
User avatar
inhuien
Posts: 3638
Joined: 09 Feb 2008 05:03

Post by inhuien »

Nice cliff hanger :) "Can I have some more please"
User avatar
Laphtiya
Posts: 215
Joined: 29 Aug 2008 11:57
Location: In an outpost, on the edge of space!

Post by Laphtiya »

inhuien wrote:Nice cliff hanger :) "Can I have some more please"
Thank you. It was a slow day at work so I've added some more to it. You'll all hate me because I keep dancing back and forth adding some stuff to parts I've already done. One part was the arrival of a new spice harvester. I've always tried to imagine where the harvesters come from. Probability says there made on Ix, it would make sense if they were. So I added a scene where a harvester arrives at Carthag space port.
One of the larger transports opened its bays releasing a new spice harvester. Mathius watched as the massive crawler slowly moved out in front of the transport. Men scurried about the harvester, grabbing equipment and loading it with supplies before boarding massive machine. Looking around Mathius was curious to know how they would drive the bulky harvester out of the space port, there didn’t seem to be an exit large enough for it to fit. As the harvester cleared Mathius was suddenly aware of the sound of another approaching ship. Looking up he saw a massive carryall manoeuvre itself above the harvester lifting the massive machine out of the spaceport transporting it out to the desert.
In my mind I imagined that these massive machines would be sent out without much preperation because most of the work could be done in transit to the spice patch/field. That and with Harkonnen pressure to keep up with demands of the Empire.

Every time I read the part with the Fremen and Harkonnen troops I keep thinking that it is a little too short. But I don't want to go and describe every little detail beacuse it slows down the pace and you'd get bored. But I also don't want it to be fast. I tried to get the impression accross that Fremen are tough, and very well trained.

I am glad you liked it Inhuien, I would be interested to know your opinions on the style of writing, what do you like, what do you think could be improved and how.

P.S. Looking for a name for a Harkonnen commander any suggestions?
Post Reply