A Confession

Pardot Kynes · Post by **Pardot Kynes** » 17 Jun 2008 23:09

Wow. There's no easy way to say this. There is no easy way to gain self respect back. There is no easy way to do anything worthwhile, as I have been told recently, and throughout my life.

However, recently I have been trying to turn my life around from the hole that its in. I have been attempting to help others, and realizing that I need to change first- to do that, I need to come clean about this place, my anchor holding me back. This is my own personal demon, haunting me with guilt.

I have come to think of a great many of you as friends- a precious commodity at any time, but especially, perhaps, at this stage of my life.

Time to cut to the chase. I am not 36. I do not own two dogs named Thor and Ajax, nor do I own my own house. I am not a professor. I am not a druid (although I was for a short while). I do, however, drive a truck. A Honda truck. So maybe you can't even call it a truch. But still. I do not drink, nor have I ever been drunk. I have had exactly one sip of beer in my entire life, and maybe three of wine. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I ever been on a date. I have never had more than three friends at any one time, and two of them were there for me only so that I could help them with schoolwork. I have had perhaps two trustworthy friends in my whole life, and one was doing it out of pity.

I do not say this to garner your pity, however. I believe that by showing you how much of a social outcast I am, or was, I will show and explain how much the friends I have garnered here mean to me. And, because of that, I cannot keep this lie going.

I originally joined Dreamers of Dune at the age of twelve, but didn't post much until I was fourteen. In fact, the first post I remember making was in the "How old are you" thread, in which I actually did say I was fourteen. When I did start posting regularly though, I began to create a persona which I thought could gain everyone's respect. One of the things that helped me along was the comments of different posters, in the threads that asked your favorite thing and various personal preferences. Slowly, a character began to assemble that represented everything that I wanted to be, save one thing. That character wasn't real. And by lying about him being real, I played myself wrong, and did the same to all of you.

Since then I have gotten to know you, but you only have thought you have gotten to know me- the personality and knowledge is generally the same, since I knew I would be too easily caught in something unlike myself- but all the hard facts are lies. They are half truths or manipulations, or outright falsehoods. I have destroyed my own self respect.

Yet, you members I know, you have taught me life lessons without realizing it. In a very real sense, the members of Worm's and of Dreamers raised me since I was fourteen. And, as any child must, I now am going to leave my home, save for occasional visits.

I apologize for my deception, and thank you for your unwitting gift. If you have any questions, please post them. I will answer. If you wish to flame me, I quite deserve it, so go ahead. I'll stand and face what I did. I'm not proud of it, but I did it, and so must answer for it.
I have betrayed you worse than the Naib, been more of a censor than Hypatia in the sense that I kept myself from you, and have been more manipulative and secretive than the HLP.
I'm too tired of this to let it go on, and I cannot stand it longer.

I still love all of you, and these forums. The above is the reason for my inactivity- as guilt mounted, so did my separation. I may stay, but if I do I will create another account more than likely, so as to wash away what I pretended to be.

So, to recap. I'm an 18 year old liar who has decided to make good on his word and come clean. I haven't done anything I've said I had unless it was about me reading or writing something. Then I told the truth. Maybe about some other things as well, such as what I'm passionate about.

And yes, this means the whole Drunk Pardot Chat was staged. Sorry again, but that I think was rather amusing, staged or not.

Well, I feel better. I'll be around.

~Pardot Kynes

Illogical Banana · Post by **Illogical Banana** » 18 Jun 2008 01:05

I experienced something quite similar to this once before with an online "friend". At first I was pissed, but I got over it. He had his reasons for what he did, and I understood where he was coming from. So I have no hard feelings, glad you came clean.

Your description of yourself sounds eerily familiar in some aspects..

Don't worry too much about lack of friends. Good friends are hard to come by. I find you don't need too many friends when you talk to yourself alot.

I'm sure you know this now, but don't be afraid to be yourself. If people don't like you for who you are, you shouldn't give a damn. Life is so much less stressful when you learn not to care what other people think of you. Except for maybe friends and loved ones.

SandChigger · Post by **SandChigger** » 18 Jun 2008 01:18

I just wrote a reply over on T(A)U, Pardot...ya weenie!

Bananer is right, about good friends being hard to find. (Shallow ones are easy, just look at KJA's MySpace page and how many of his "Friends" are really there to flog their own crap while saying howdy.)

Hang in there and don't disappear on us, wot?!

Pardot Kynes · Post by **Pardot Kynes** » 18 Jun 2008 01:30

Mmm. I also replied to your reply

Its a mistake I've lived with for awhile now.

I'm fairly sure I told Orald at one point while playing Runescape, although I think he thought I was joking.

orald · Post by **orald** » 18 Jun 2008 02:12

Don't think you did, I think it was something about your, uh, imaginary GF?
Would also explain why you're into RPGs so much.

Now that you're off to get a job etc, have you concidered being a professional con-man?

Well, this IS kind of a shock, I really liked that fake persona you made(except for the drinking...err, fake drinking, though that was funny).
Maybe this was why you haven't actually lectured us much about mythology like people often do with their professions(i.e Chig and his occasional liguistic ramblings that no one truly understands).
Do you actually know anything about the subject?

And now that you're 18(well, for the past 2 years actually), does it mean it's already legal for me to seduce you?

I do have a confession of my own to make. No, I'm not actually a bitter, Dune-fanatic and dog crazy loon from Israel.
I'm actually a 20 odd dude from Wales who enjoys smoking ganga, sitting in the woods staring vacant-eyed at the world and thinking up answers to life's great mysteries, usually after some additional mushrooms I find in the forest.

My hobbies include trolling boards, impersonating chicks from the Netherlands using blind typing to simulate bad English and pretending to be this Orald guy so while I ban my other accounts you guys would think there's nothing in common between these accounts and that I really hate them.

But the loving cocks bit is true enough. While I'm stoned I position myself at the appropriate street corner and whore myself for more ganga.
You know how we sheep-fuckers here in Wales would bone anything with a hole, so I get by pretty well.

Time for more ganga. It's a real magick.

Pardot Kynes · Post by **Pardot Kynes** » 18 Jun 2008 03:04

Pfft.

I actually do know a good deal about mythology, and really am writing that stuff for Omph's board.

Also, I am not into RPG's THAT much

And, I've had a job for awhile.

Serkanner · Post by **Serkanner** » 18 Jun 2008 04:25

Bananaman said everything I would have wanted to say, but then better.

inhuien · Post by **inhuien** » 18 Jun 2008 06:38

Pardot Kynes,

Thank you for having the strength and dignity to come clean. Now although I’ve been on most of the boards you mention for around the same time scale I’ve only really exchanges word words with you here and T(A)U and personally I’m not bothered that you have misrepresented yourself. After all it’s my responsibility for what I believe and who has never told a lie of some kind.

What I hope you can take away from this episode I the realisation that Life is hard enough without going out of your way to make it harder for yourself, and learn to trust and like yourself. Move on and get over this, the fact you’ve made the statement above speaks volumes.

Peace and don’t be a stranger ya hear.
Mark

Post by **Freakzilla** » 18 Jun 2008 07:59

This is the beauty of the internet.

Excuse me for not taking a personal interest in people online but I learned not to do that years ago on AOL.

Here, what matters to me is your comments about Dune.

Everything else is spam.

BTW, I'm actually an 18-year-old, bi-sexual cheerleader on XTC.

HoosierDaddy · Post by **HoosierDaddy** » 18 Jun 2008 09:04

I'm jealous of that truck. I used to have a small beater 4WD truck that, about twice a month, I wish I still had.

I also fondly remember the old DOD web site. Young people, old people, from just about every country in the world. I remember the first few weeks posting there, I started a thread "Brian Herbert Is An Idiot". After I posted it, I was braced to get a warning from the mods, and some scathing replies. It turned into a beautiful 5+ page pounding of pinky and the brian that restored my faith in humanity.

GamePlayer · Post by **GamePlayer** » 18 Jun 2008 10:54

Meh.

You're definitely not the first person I've encountered who was playing a role online. It's just the nature of the internet. No one really knows for sure.

A Thing of Eternity · Post by **A Thing of Eternity** » 18 Jun 2008 12:08

I haven't really known you very long, but I agree. Don't worry about it too much.

orald · Post by **orald** » 18 Jun 2008 16:15

But Pard, you haven't replied to my most important question:
Can I legally seduce you now?

TW, I'm actually an 18-year-old, bi-sexual cheerleader on XTC.

Oh, soooo original.

Damn Chigger said it first on T(A)U before I could!

Pardot Kynes · Post by **Pardot Kynes** » 18 Jun 2008 16:22

You can try. Don't think you'll succeed though.

Crysknife · Post by **Crysknife** » 18 Jun 2008 16:33

I have problems making friends as well. I once took a personality profile in college and the results were typical. Out of four personality colors, I was the only White out of about thirty people. I've always been different and at the moment have no true friends save my family. It doesn't help that I live in this godforsaken city either. Most of the people in my life just seem to drift in and out......but this suits me as it suits them. I'm happy.

Anyway, it's cool that you decided to post this. It's all good.

Post by **Freakzilla** » 18 Jun 2008 17:36

orald wrote:
TW, I'm actually an 18-year-old, bi-sexual cheerleader on XTC.
Oh, soooo original.

You, out of my fantasy!

Mandy · Post by **Mandy** » 18 Jun 2008 21:04

Now, I'm beginning to think Pard is an attention whore.

Pardot Kynes · Post by **Pardot Kynes** » 18 Jun 2008 22:33

Beginning to think?

Wow. And here I thought it was obvious the whole time

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Jnd8ArBkKtA

orald · Post by **orald** » 19 Jun 2008 03:01

Well, now that Pard "came out", so to speak(you will, of course, come out later on, right? right?), I think it's time for other imposters to reveal themselves.

Mandy, you can now reveal your being of a fat dude from Wales.

chanilover · Post by **chanilover** » 19 Jun 2008 05:03

It's time for me to come clean.

When I said I'm new to Dune, it's not true. I've been reading it for years but I'm so dumb it doesn't sink in. I started to come online to find out more and pretended to be a middle aged woman from Canada for a laugh. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I had somehow ended up as senior admin on a Dune fansite. I'm still not quite sure how it happened, I only meant it to be a bit of a joke.

One thing led to another and before I knew it I had created the most vile, repulsive online personality I could think of, just in case people realised it was me in disguise. I even named the persona after an old librarian who was gang raped (every gay man's fantasy, that), although I'm not sure it that is what happened to her, ancient history isn't one of my strong points.

Anyway, the more I wanted to lay this persona to rest once and for all, the harder it became, what with stomping around on the internet arguing with everyone, it was almost as if the persona had a life of her own, she became the epitome of everything I loathe, and I was reaching depths of vileness with her that still shock me even now.

OK, you've probably worked it out already, but Hypatia isn't real and never has been. I created her in a moment of madness, but I don't know what to do to stop her. It's like that Jeckyll and Hyde character, I don't know what's she's going to do next. I think I need help. I don't even like cats, I prefer dogs.

Pardot Kynes · Post by **Pardot Kynes** » 19 Jun 2008 11:18

Post by **Omphalos** » 19 Jun 2008 11:22

orald wrote:Well, now that Pard "came out", so to speak(you will, of course, come out later on, right? right?), I think it's time for other imposters to reveal themselves.

Mandy, you can now reveal your being of a fat dude from Wales.

Are you suggesting that Mandy is really Newfacedancer?

Mandy · Post by **Mandy** » 19 Jun 2008 13:15

lol, chanilover. How many cats do you really have?

SandChigger · Post by **SandChigger** » 19 Jun 2008 18:47

chanilover · Post by **chanilover** » 20 Jun 2008 04:40

Mandy wrote:lol, chanilover. How many cats do you really have?

187. The smell of feline urine is stifling. Anyway, must dash, I have to nip over to Dunenovels to shove my online tongue up Byron's arse.