"Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...


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"Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

When I was ten year old, I was sent to spend a part of the summer
with my Aunt Alma in Northeast Arkansas, on the flatlands up near
the Mississippi River. My Uncle Ed had recently suffered a stroke,
and while he had maintained his speech and motor control for the
most part, he was still doin poorly, and my momma thought he'd
most likely work hisself into another spell trying to keep up their
summer garden. So I pretty much just got indentured.

They lived "in town" back then, meaning they resided in a small
collection of houses, as opposed to deep in the woods somewheres,
and there was a church and a general store and a Phillips66 gasoline
station and everything.

But like most folks back then, my Uncle Ed & Aunt Alma maintained
a large vegetable garden in the lot next to their little house. I
later found out that this garden had been started during the war as
a "Victory Garden", and kept up year after year. (After Aunt Alma
passed away, one of her ungrateful children sold the lot for development,
and the historic garden was buried under the foundation of a new
big house. Later, all that property was sold; Aunt Alma's Victory
Garden now lies under a Wal-mart parking lot.)

That summer, as it was my whole childhood, the garden was almost half
okra, which we pronounced "O-kree", but I'll spare y'all the colloquial
spellings, quaint tho they may be.

The reason for this over-specialization in this one garden vegetable was
simply that my Uncle Ed loved him some okra. I mean loved that shit.
Now, as a boy, I could fair-well tolerate some fried okra, but that ain't
sayin much; hell, everythin's good fried. But Uncle Ed loved that
boiled okra; that slimey, slippery, chewy nasty-ass boiled
okra.

And I ain't just sayin he liked it well & good, and enjoyed it when Aunt
Alma would serve him it, I mean he ate that boiled okra all the damn
time
, and I ain't kiddin. Sumbitch actually would eat up a bowl of
boiled okra for breakfast, cold, straight out of the pot still
a-sittin on the stove from supper the night before.

For years & years, Ed would take a goddamn thermos of boiled okra to
work with him, or sitting up in a deer stand, or floating in the back
waters in his flat-bottom boat. Man loved his okra.

I got to likin it too, after a while, especially when my momma or Aunt
Alma would dose it with a few table spoons of pepper juice. Didn't care as
much for boiled okra with just vinegar, then or now, but that pepper
juice that had that bite to it, like fryin up stuff, made just
about everything better. (My favorite is still that stinging-hot pepper
juice in black-eyed peas.)(Uncle Ed hated black-eyed peas, and I never
did understand that...)

Uncle Ed, like most folks around there, kept a pack of mean wild dogs
around his place. Mebbe "kept" is a strong word, as nobody would actually
lay claim to ownership of this collection of vicious, undisciplined mess
of mixed-breed mongrels, and they roamed the town from house to house,
living off whatever scraps the kind-hearted townsfolk'd toss from their
back porches.

Now one morning, after my Uncle Ed had wandered off where-ever it was he
had a mind to wander off to, Aunt Alma told me to toss them dogs that
left-over okra; and I gave her the Hairy Eyeball, cause I didn't know
much at ten year old, but I sure knew enough not to fuck with Ed's okra.

But Alma said she was cookin him up a fresh mess of okra and to quit looking
at her that-a-way, and get on and do what I was told. So I did.

Now them dogs were right in-between being dogs and feral monsters - they
understood they was just too stupid to fend much for themselves and had to
depend on people for their meager grub, but they weren't too happy about
waitin around for their issue.

So when they seen me steppin off the porch a-holding that pot, they came
rushin at me like Whore to the River on Judgment Day, all snappin and
snarlin and slobberin, and me bein just a ten year old boy, I wasn't
in no mood to fool with them so I just held the pot up as high as I could
and poured that mess of cold, slimey okra out.

Now the first dog that had gotten to me was already a-yelpin and snarlin
and snappin, and that mess of slimey boiled okra slid out the pot and
straight into his gaping mouth.

And bein slippery, slimey boiled okra, it just slid right down his throat
and between the snarlin and snappin, he done swallowed up that shit and
didn't even realize it.

Now, that dog knew he had seen me hold that pot up and he knew he'd smelt
somethin and he mighta thought he'd seen that old food comin out of the
pot, but where it mighta went, well, he didn't have a clue, and he kinda
looked around confused for a second and them other dogs were all a-snarlin
and a-snappin and a-jumpin and howlin, too.

Well, right then, that dog decided that he had seen that food and it
had been comin right at him and just up and disappeared. So in his dog's
brain, he came up with the notion the dog next to him must've
snatched that food right from his mouth, so he turned and bit that dog
hard, hard now, right on the head.

well, that dog didn't know what the fuck was going on, he had
just come up to the porch with the rest of 'em to see what was to eat, and he'd
never seen nothin to eat atall, and now this sumbitch done bit him on the head,
so he turned and bit the dog next to him.

Which caused that dog to bit the next one, and so on and so on, until finally
there was just one big roiling mess of dog a-bitin and scratchin and snappin
going round and round in the yard, and not one of them dogs knew what they
was a-fightin about ....



s'anyway, I told you that story to tell you this one ....
................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by inhuien »

No pressure there SR, but some people are waiting for part two... :)
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by Seraphan »

:geek: Image
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandChigger »

And...???
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

i'm getting there, damn your instant-gratification generational bullshit

some folks got shit to do, hay needs baled up, goats need milking, rattlesnakes to kill, &etc.

and there used to be a time when people would savor the slow unfolding of a good yarn.
y'all ever heard of Charles Dickens ? people waited years to get ahold of the next
chapter ....

and I got to type the thing, now, I ain't got no wheelchair-bound retard to transcribe
my digitally recorded ramblings ... altho, that ain't a bad idea .... tell a story while out
on a tractor .... dictaplower. Have to teach the mexicans better english tho ...
................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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I personally feel that this message board, Jacurutu, is full of hateful folks who don't know
how to fully interact with people.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by Eyes High »

now, don't leave us a hanging...drop that other shoe boy.


I wanna hear more.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by chanilover »

SandRider wrote: and there used to be a time when people would savor the slow unfolding of a good yarn.
y'all ever heard of Charles Dickens ? people waited years to get ahold of the next
chapter ....
No wonder they were all on opium.
"You and your buddies and that b*tch Mandy are nothing but a gang of lying, socially maladjusted losers." - St Hypatia of Arrakeen.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by nymphitz »

:clap: Wow.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandChigger »

SandRider wrote:some folks got shit to do, hay needs baled up, goats need milking, rattlesnakes to kill, &etc.
Whatfer you got yer hired Mexicans then....?
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

they need a lot of supervisin, else they get to drinkin and eatin peyote cactus

plus, their main job is to drive me around when I get to drinkin & eatin peyote cactus ...

I'll get to finishin the story sometime .... it was Uncle Ed who taught me all
about Schoolin Shitheels that summer .....
................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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how to fully interact with people.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by chanilover »

I've never heard the word 'shitheel' before so I googled it. So it means the same as 'shithead'. Word Of The Day, thanks.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

I've always assumed that the etymological origin of the word related
to someone too stupid to realize they had stepped in cow flop, and
so had shit on their bootheel, tracking it all into momma's clean kitchen .....
................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by TheDukester »

Same here. "Shitheel" is a particular species of "dumbass."
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by Freakzilla »

Shit... Shinola... got it! SQUISH!
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by chanilover »

Oh, so 'shitheel' is a retard, so not the same as 'shithead'.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

naw, I'd say a shitheel was closer to shithead than a retard -
a retard ain't responsible for the stupid things he does.

a shitheel thinks he's the coolest dude around, but he's
got shit on his boots & don't realize it. (i.e. The Keith)

a shitheel also thinks he's smarter and/or tougher than anybody else,
thus the term "Schoolin Shitheels" .....

(which is the point of this story; them dogs was just the prelude and the set-up,
plus I got to writing about Ed & his okra, and that story just naturally follows.
I'll get around to writing up the rest of it when I got the time & inclination ....)
................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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I personally feel that this message board, Jacurutu, is full of hateful folks who don't know
how to fully interact with people.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by chanilover »

Oh, OK. It's not a British word, I've never heard anyone use it. I'll start using it and see if it catches on. A bit like 'wanker', I see Americans using that word more.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by inhuien »

OK, I think I've waited long enough now. I'm campin' out here till we get to part two.
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

The rest of this story, "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957", is available exclusively for the iPad
from the iBookstore at http://store.apple.com/us" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;. Apple Store transferable credits can be purchased
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................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by Eyes High »

You big tease.

Where's my whip. :teasing-whipblue:
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by Freakzilla »

bastard...
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by inhuien »

SandRider wrote:
The rest of this story, "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957", is available exclusively for the iPad
from the iBookstore at http://store.apple.com/us" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;. Apple Store transferable credits can be purchased
directly from theSandRider@live.com via PayPal or FDIC Direct Deposit. Email your information to our
secure server now and receive a bonus code to unlock additional content, including the acclaimed and
influential "SandRider's Rambling Manifesto", "The Field Guide to Non-Skid Barstools of West Texas",
and the web-based iPhone game, SandRider's 3D Yankee-Shooting Gallery. Be sure to subscribe to
the RSS feed of "SandRider's 6-Man Handicapper's Weekly", Friend him on MySpace and follow him on Twitter !
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by nampigai »

must admit I crapped my pants a little!

my pusher did the same crap with me when I started shooting, the first trip was free...
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SadisticCynic »

Thread needed a revive...

Come on SandRider, before the meteor gets here. :P
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Re: "Schoolin' Shitheels Since 1957" ...

Post by SandRider »

Sarah Johnson was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, in real life anyway, weren't nobody on earth
prettier than June Carter, and once I'd laid eyes on her it was pretty easy for my Aunt Alma to
get me to take a bath and put on clean clothes for church.

I'm guessing they was teaching all kinds of good, important and useful things in Sunday School,
but all I remember is the way that morning light bounced off her hair, which wasn't all blond,
but shot thru with red, and the way the back of her neck looked when she bowed her head for
prayin'.

Mrs. Johnson, Sarah's mama, had been playmates with my mama and while having a sweet spot for me,
she also had that southern-surrogate-mama thing going on, so I couldn't get away with too much
shit when she was around. So between that, and the fact that Ed was a deacon and Aunt Alma was
liberal with a hickory switch, and also that I wanted to make a good impression on Sarah, I was
sorta forced to be on my best behavior.

Bubba Kruger was the ugliest, nastiest, fattest, meanest boy I'd ever run across. While being
the same age, Bubba stood atleast two heads above me and about two boys more around. Ronnie Powell,
my frog-giggin' buddy when I was up to see my Aunt Alma, told me he'd once seen Bubba at the
pond, giggin' frogs and pulling their legs off and pokin' their eyes out with a stick, then
luring stray cats up with the frogs' eyes and whacking the cats in the head with a stick and
luring stray dogs up with the unconscious cats and that's when I stopped him, cause I just didn't
want to know what Bubba did to the dogs.

Bubba had a big ol' nose that was constantly running, and in the hot summer when it got dry and
the dust would blow up off the cotton fields, he'd dig out some huge moist dirt-boogers,
all brown and sticky, and roll them into balls between his thumb and forefinger while Sister
Wilson was telling us about how Jesus loves everybody in the world, exceptin' for those heathens
that didn't believe in Him and they was all burnin' in the Lake of Fire, anyway, but we as
good Christians still had to make an attempt to bring them The Word, like that dear poor boy,
Glenn Dewberry, who went down to the Amazon or Africa or somewhere to take the natives the
Good Word and they cut his head off and ate it. But Glenn, God Bless'm, was in a better place
now, standing at the Foot of the Throne and had his Reward and those heathen natives would
pay for their evils, amen.

So anyway, I just knew Bubba was gonna wipe that nasty booger on Sarah's neck ...
................ I exist only to amuse myself ................
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I personally feel that this message board, Jacurutu, is full of hateful folks who don't know
how to fully interact with people.
~ "Spice Grandson" (Bryon Merrit) 08 June 2008
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