Writers [read: hacks] and their stupid gimmicks

[SandChigger]

So KJA "dictahikes".

And Dan Brown evidently has a "writing cottage" separate from his home and which he has to walk to at 4:30 in the morning (his version of a commute?) and he sometimes uses "gravity boots" to get more blood flowing to his brain. (He was just interviewed on Today. I guess he has a new book out today?)

Got any other examples of "writers" playing up the process or circumstances of their "writing" to deflect attention away from its defects?

[inhuien]

Stephen King and his 30 year alcoholic stupor, but at least it got us some good books. , Sorry Steve, no offence meant ya lush.

[TheDukester]

I guess he has a new book out today?

And, to celebrate, here's a Dan Brown Plot Generator™!

http://www.slate.com/id/2228327/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

When I originally saw that last night, my first thought was: "Anderjacket would have fit that joke perfectly, too."

[Freakzilla]

An ancient labyrinth deep beneath the streets of Atlanta.
A nefarious cult determined to protect it.
A frantic race to uncover the Scientologists' darkest secret.

The Missing Tomb

When celebrated Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon is summoned to the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library to analyze a mysterious geometric form—drawn on a calling card next to the mangled body of the head docent—he discovers evidence of the unthinkable: the resurgence of the ancient cult of the Lucinati, a secret branch of the Scientologists that has surfaced from the shadows to carry out its legendary vendetta against its mortal enemy, the Vatican.

Langdon's worst fears are confirmed when a messenger from the Lucinati appears at the Ebeneezer Baptist Church to deliver a fateful ultimatum: Deposit $1 billion in the Scientologists' off-shore bank accounts or the exclusive clothier of the Swiss Guards will be bankrupted. With the deadline fast approaching, Langdon joins forces with the statuesque and mysterious daughter of the murdered docent in a desperate bid to crack the code that will reveal the cult's secret plan.

Embarking on a frantic hunt, Langdon and his companion follow a 300-year-old trail through Atlanta's most venerable buildings and historic monuments, pursued by a near-sighted assassin the cult has sent to thwart them. What they discover threatens to expose a conspiracy that goes all the way back to L. Ron Hubbard and the very founding of the Scientologists.

[Freakzilla]

(Atlanta doesn't have any 300-year-old buildings, they were burned down by Gen. Sherman.)

[smugetsu]

Eesh, are they going to make a movie out of this Dan Brown book, too?

[SandRider]

(Atlanta doesn't have any 300-year-old buildings, they were burned down by Gen. Sherman.)

ah, that's where the ancient labyrinth comes in.

now that you have stumbled upon The Secret, young Freakzilla, you must learn The Truth.

You see, this "nefarious cult" is actually the remnants of the Last Templars, those who
escaped the Friday the 13th Massacre and fled "across the Great Ocean", carrying with
them their last remaining relic, The Holy Grail's Coaster, clearly seen in "The Last Supper",
protecting the delicate Lebanese cedar table. (Jesus was a carpenter, after all - he
did love his wood)

The Last Templars made their way to The New World, where they had to hide-out from the
crazy Mormons already screwing up the mythology of the natives & burying lots of stuff to
be discovered in "The Latter Days". (This gave them the idea to create the labyrinth to hide
the Holy Coaster)

And there lay the powerful relic for centuries, until the evil head of the Luciferians, a skinny
lawyer from Illinois (the villains are always skinny lawyers, BTW) stumbled across a
mysterious letter in "The Book", the secret documents given only to POTUS(es).

This led to an elaborate and needlessly complex plan to put the sovereign state of Georgia
under Federal control, so that Lincoln's "private army" of New Templars could search Atlanta
for the relic that legend held would deliver total control of just about everything.

But there was one hope : A brave young Calvary Captain, one Robert Edward Lee, while
serving on the Texas frontier, fell down a hole one day while screwing around in the hills
west of San Antonio, and discovered a cave drawing, or a chest of secrets, or some shit,
and learned of the Coaster.

When Lincoln seized power and began his obvious plotting to take over Georgia, Lee knew
what must be done: war, war to save not only the South, but the world, itself.

Spoiler:

Sherman did in fact find the Coaster, but not knowing the true value of the item, sent it on
to Washington as a "Christmas present for the President". Due to inept handling by the Postal
Service, however, the package did not arrive until Mid-April.

By that time, General Lee had already learned of the above events, and bravely held off
the merciless attacks of Grant outside Petersburg, doing everything he could to stave off
the collapse of the South, until his own super secret agent could find the relic, kill the evil
Lincoln, reveal the True Cause for The War, reunite America, and go kick Canada's ass.

But Lee's plan went awry when the agent, a former small-time actor, fell under the spell of
the Holy Coaster, and took it for himself, fleeing to Texas....

[othaderak]

(Atlanta doesn't have any 300-year-old buildings, they were burned down by Gen. Sherman.)

ah, that's where the ancient labyrinth comes in.

now that you have stumbled upon The Secret, young Freakzilla, you must learn The Truth.

You see, this "nefarious cult" is actually the remnants of the Last Templars, those who
escaped the Friday the 13th Massacre and fled "across the Great Ocean", carrying with
them their last remaining relic, The Holy Grail's Coaster, clearly seen in "The Last Supper",
protecting the delicate Lebanese cedar table. (Jesus was a carpenter, after all - he
did love his wood)

The Last Templars made their way to The New World, where they had to hide-out from the
crazy Mormons already screwing up the mythology of the natives & burying lots of stuff to
be discovered in "The Latter Days". (This gave them the idea to create the labyrinth to hide
the Holy Coaster)

And there lay the powerful relic for centuries, until the evil head of the Luciferians, a skinny
lawyer from Illinois (the villains are always skinny lawyers, BTW) stumbled across a
mysterious letter in "The Book", the secret documents given only to POTUS(es).

This led to an elaborate and needlessly complex plan to put the sovereign state of Georgia
under Federal control, so that Lincoln's "private army" of New Templars could search Atlanta
for the relic that legend held would deliver total control of just about everything.

But there was one hope : A brave young Calvary Captain, one Robert Edward Lee, while
serving on the Texas frontier, fell down a hole one day while screwing around in the hills
west of San Antonio, and discovered a cave drawing, or a chest of secrets, or some shit,
and learned of the Coaster.

When Lincoln seized power and began his obvious plotting to take over Georgia, Lee knew
what must be done: war, war to save not only the South, but the world, itself.

Spoiler:

Sherman did in fact find the Coaster, but not knowing the true value of the item, sent it on
to Washington as a "Christmas present for the President". Due to inept handling by the Postal
Service, however, the package did not arrive until Mid-April.

By that time, General Lee had already learned of the above events, and bravely held off
the merciless attacks of Grant outside Petersburg, doing everything he could to stave off
the collapse of the South, until his own super secret agent could find the relic, kill the evil
Lincoln, reveal the True Cause for The War, reunite America, and go kick Canada's ass.

But Lee's plan went awry when the agent, a former small-time actor, fell under the spell of
the Holy Coaster, and took it for himself, fleeing to Texas....

Have you seen National Treasure 2? That's pretty much the plot right there, except El Dorado is under Mount Rushmore and the South didn't win. If I remember correctly, though, they almost did.

[smugetsu]

That's pretty much the plot right there, except El Dorado is under Mount Rushmore and the South didn't win. If I remember correctly, though, they almost did.

Hey, according to SandRider (and others, including my father) the war never ended, so you can't really say that one side won or lost.

[Freakzilla]

That's pretty much the plot right there, except El Dorado is under Mount Rushmore and the South didn't win. If I remember correctly, though, they almost did.

Hey, according to SandRider (and others, including my father) the war never ended, so you can't really say that one side won or lost.

The CSA won more battles and inflicted more casualties on the USA with few men, so you can say they served the US a severe ass-whipping, however, they most certainly lost the war.

The US never lost a battle in Viet Nam, either, so...

[smugetsu]

That's pretty much the plot right there, except El Dorado is under Mount Rushmore and the South didn't win. If I remember correctly, though, they almost did.

Hey, according to SandRider (and others, including my father) the war never ended, so you can't really say that one side won or lost.

The CSA won more battles and inflicted more casualties on the USA with few men, so you can say they served the US a severe ass-whipping, however, they most certainly lost the war.

The US never lost a battle in Viet Nam, either, so...

My dad is a Civil War reenactor, much like SandRider, and I used to do it myself. I participated in the 9th Texas, which was Confederate. My dad still does it to this day, whenever he can. He is a massive history buff and the Civil War is his favorite subject, so he made absolutely sure that we all knew our history.

Back on topic, however...

Stephen King wrote the first four books of the Dark Tower series and stopped. He did not even think of picking up his pen to finish that series until he got hit by a van...does that count as a gimmick? Writers using a brush with death as motivation?

[A Thing of Eternity]

The US never lost a battle in Viet Nam, either, so...

Yeah... that one definitely went down as a loss for the US in the history books.

[Freakzilla]

The US never lost a battle in Viet Nam, either, so...

Yeah... that one definitely went down as a loss for the US in the history books.

They'd rather be alive than free... poor, dumb bastards.

[Drunken Idaho]

Stephen King wrote the first four books of the Dark Tower series and stopped. He did not even think of picking up his pen to finish that series until he got hit by a van...does that count as a gimmick? Writers using a brush with death as motivation?

That's as good a motivation as any, I'd say.

If only Frank could have adopted that same attitude after his pancreatic cancer diagnosis, the damned slacker...

JOKING

[Redstar]

Probably doesn't fit, but writers that use the fame from their previous masterpieces to publish and pander out work that's less than good.

OSC's works in the Ender series after Speaker for the Dead, and the works in the Shadow series after Shadow of the Hegemon.

[SandChigger]

Yeah, those aren't quite what I had in mind. I was thinking more of things the "writers" play up as part of their normal writing process or the place they write in, etc.

If King were being hit by a van before every book, yeah, maybe.

[Redstar]

L. Ron Hubbard is "divinely inspired".

[smugetsu]

L. Ron Hubbard is "divinely inspired".

By Thetons or whatever the hell they are?

I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't be mocking other peoples' "religion."

[A Thing of Eternity]

L. Ron Hubbard is "divinely inspired".

By Thetons or whatever the hell they are?

I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't be mocking other peoples' "religion."

Oh yes, yes you should be!

[SandChigger]

I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't be mocking other peoples' "religion."

It's not a religion.

[A Thing of Eternity]

I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't be mocking other peoples' "religion."

It's not a religion.

HEY! it's at least as valid as Christianity.

[SandChigger]

NOT.

Not even close.

[A Thing of Eternity]

NOT.

Not even close.

Man, can you just let me make a Christian joke? Do you have to ruin it?

[SandChigger]

NO.

YES.

[A Thing of Eternity]

I don't see that collosal a difference between Hubbard and Paul. I guess hubbard's motives for his religion were a little clearer at least.