Short story


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othaderak
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Short story

Post by othaderak »

In light of all the lovely responses another certain short story (more like a vignette, in my opinion) has received here, I thought I'd link to one of mine just to see what would happen. http://reydian.deviantart.com/art/Potential-119814630. Comment away!


And yes, I know it's on dA; don't judge me :cry:
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SandChigger
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Re: Short story

Post by SandChigger »

(Don't a lot of people host fiction there? :?: :) )
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othaderak
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

Yeah, but most of it is notoriously awful. If you're ever in the mood for yaoi Twilight fanfiction or 30-page poems about wrist slashing, DeviantArt's the place to go. That, or fanfiction.org.

There's good stuff there too, but it's vastly outnumbered by whiny emo rants and other crap.
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Redstar
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Re: Short story

Post by Redstar »

SandChigger wrote:(Don't a lot of people host fiction there? :?: :) )
I have all my really old stuff on there, just because I was using the account for browsing and messaging privileges but people begged me to see my work. I just keep them up as one more archive in case they get lost again.

(I'll review/critique it later, otha)
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othaderak
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

Redstar wrote:(I'll review/critique it later, otha)
Thanks in advance!
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E. LeGuille
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Re: Short story

Post by E. LeGuille »

No, you're right. It is more a vignette, since it's not the story itself. :) Unless I am mistaken by what you meant, I think it was a positive comment?

Cool story, too by the way. I really am amazed by the creativity on places I go.
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othaderak
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

E. LeGuille wrote:No, you're right. It is more a vignette, since it's not the story itself. :) Unless I am mistaken by what you meant, I think it was a positive comment?

Cool story, too by the way. I really am amazed by the creativity on places I go.
Yes, it was a positive comment. Your concept had a lot of- shall I say- potential, it just needed some fleshing out, some of which you provided later in the thread.

Thanks for enjoying it!
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Re: Short story

Post by SandChigger »

OK, read it.

The good news: It doesn't have me jumping up and down in anger or disgust.

The bad news: It doesn't have me jumping up and down in extreme excitement, either. ;)

*** WARNING TO ANYONE WHO HASN'T READ IT YET BUT PLANS TO: SPOILERS HEREAFTER!!! ***



Joking aside, it's not bad. I actually quite enjoy stories from an alien perspective that don't immediately let you know that's their PoV, but spring it on you unexpectedly. (Banks and Scalzi are two authors who have done this excellently, IMHO.) When I downloaded your story, I looked over the whole thing quickly (mainly to see how long it was) and unfortunately some things caught my eye that spoiled the effect for me. :( Of course, that's not a criticism of your story or presentation, only of my own clumsiness. ;)

One suggestion: Take the offset section starting "The entire village turned out..." and combine it with the following section after rewriting it from Lan's point of view ... it's practically there already, after all. To me, the tone of the narrator with regard to the planetary inhabitants seemed a bit condescending, somewhat humorous, so wouldn't it make more sense presented as the observation of one of the space travellers? Lan is described as finding the situation amusing, so....

(Nitpicky stuff: ...they were to study the creature's habits from orbit...: should be creatures', no? And Communicable: ... makes them sound more like a disease. Or concept. I don't know you can say what you want to in one word (assuming I understand you correctly). Maybe a longer phrase, like in the last item? Something like "Communication potential" maybe?)

Cool. Got more for us? :D
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Re: Short story

Post by Redstar »

As Orellan observed the planet below him through the ship’s infrared scanners, he was overwhelmed by the heat readings that absolutely covered the planet's surface- it was obviously filled with life in varying sizes, from large undersea mammals to smaller terrestrial creatures. A rich find, indeed!
I don't see how an infrared scanner would be particularly useful in surveying a planet for life. You can probably tell just by looking at it that there's going to be life (earth is pretty green, and while the water doesn't directly show life, its very presence suggests it). Plus an infrared scanner that can survey an entire planet might not be delicate enough to ignore the molten core at the center.
"What, Reton? Oh, I must've spaced out again. It's just, we've discovered another green world here, and, and..." Reton rested a three-fingered hand on Orellan's shoulder. "I know the feeling. It's called 'awe', Lan. That, and a little 'thrill of discovery' mixed in. Don't worry- in a moment we'll see if we have landing clearance, then we meet them. I always wonder what they'll look like, what their culture is. It's just a great feeling to know that you have discovered something. Not him, not her, not them, but you. Just don't focus on the money."
Culture. Singular? You're telling me an advanced alien race that has as its purpose discovering new life isn't aware that various cultures can spring up from a single sentient race? Note that different cultures also crop up in animal populations, so it's even less likely an opinion from an "expert".
"Oh, we've seen this sort of thing many times before. Primitive cultures seem to think that females are more likely to appease higher powers with their death. We're unsure as to why, but mostly we think that those less-developed minds than ours, or other advanced civilizations, think that ‘aliens’ like us are either heartless monsters only interested in a snack or that we think of beauty along the same lines as they do.”
Again, a supposed group of experts that specializes in studying and contacting sentient beings don't even have the common sense to look at their own historical background as context? You can't say that they're the exception to the universe of "primitives", since they're behavior and opinions clearly suggest a human mentality of primitives.
Any more of this, he thought, and all the expletives or hurried prayers to his ancestors in this (or any other) world would not be able to save him.
You talking about a multiverse or something?
Lan turned to see how Horril and Reton were coping with his foul-up; both had a hand in their robes, fingering hidden tranquilizer pistols with doses pre-adjusted to the aliens’ metabolism.
Did they get that info from the Star Trek planet scan?

It came off like a standard sci-fi short story. Nothing especially interesting; no deep philosophical ideas, no dry wit on human origins, no cultural differences leading to outright stupid conclusions... None of that stuff. It seems like you just went with a short piece laced with occasional humour and focusing mostly on the potential of the species.

It was written well enough. Some sentences I would have structured differently, but it was at least readable. Keep at it and maybe we'll see something exceptional from you, eh? :)
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othaderak
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

SandChigger wrote:The good news: It doesn't have me jumping up and down in anger or disgust.

The bad news: It doesn't have me jumping up and down in extreme excitement, either. ;)

*** WARNING TO ANYONE WHO HASN'T READ IT YET BUT PLANS TO: SPOILERS HEREAFTER!!! ***



Joking aside, it's not bad. I actually quite enjoy stories from an alien perspective that don't immediately let you know that's their PoV, but spring it on you unexpectedly. (Banks and Scalzi are two authors who have done this excellently, IMHO.) When I downloaded your story, I looked over the whole thing quickly (mainly to see how long it was) and unfortunately some things caught my eye that spoiled the effect for me. :( Of course, that's not a criticism of your story or presentation, only of my own clumsiness. ;)

One suggestion: Take the offset section starting "The entire village turned out..." and combine it with the following section after rewriting it from Lan's point of view ... it's practically there already, after all. To me, the tone of the narrator with regard to the planetary inhabitants seemed a bit condescending, somewhat humorous, so wouldn't it make more sense presented as the observation of one of the space travellers? Lan is described as finding the situation amusing, so....

(Nitpicky stuff: ...they were to study the creature's habits from orbit...: should be creatures', no? And Communicable: ... makes them sound more like a disease. Or concept. I don't know you can say what you want to in one word (assuming I understand you correctly). Maybe a longer phrase, like in the last item? Something like "Communication potential" maybe?)

Cool. Got more for us? :D
I didn't make bunny angry, BUNNY SMASH! On the other hand, I understand if it wasn't particularly revelatory. Nitpicky stuff fixed, and honestly, I didn't make the disease connection until just now. Diction is silly like that. I also see what you mean about that section you noted; it always felt kinda out of place, I just didn't know what to do with it.

Danke schön, Kaninchen-Mann!
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othaderak
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

That's actually the best specific criticism I've gotten so far. I wrote this for my Creative Writing class last semester and most of the responses I got were along the lines of "Oooh, aliens!" and "I don't get it because the main characters aren't human." Naturally, this got pretty boring after a while.
Redstar wrote:I don't see how an infrared scanner would be particularly useful in surveying a planet for life. You can probably tell just by looking at it that there's going to be life (earth is pretty green, and while the water doesn't directly show life, its very presence suggests it). Plus an infrared scanner that can survey an entire planet might not be delicate enough to ignore the molten core at the center.
Point taken, although I'd like them to use some kind of scanner; even the ever-popular "planet scan", if nothing else. Maybe I've played too much Spore :D
Redstar wrote:Culture. Singular? You're telling me an advanced alien race that has as its purpose discovering new life isn't aware that various cultures can spring up from a single sentient race? Note that different cultures also crop up in animal populations, so it's even less likely an opinion from an "expert".
Point taken, to a degree. Most primitive cultures, while different in details, have the same fundamental elements: animistic religious traditions, elder leadership, occupational castes, etc. Granted, as those societies evolve, the differences will become more pronounced, but hunter-gatherers in Africa, for instance, aren't fundamentally different from hunter-gatherers in the Amazon Basin. For the aliens' purposes, questions of cultural details would probably be better addressed by a more civilized group.
Redstar wrote:Again, a supposed group of experts that specializes in studying and contacting sentient beings don't even have the common sense to look at their own historical background as context? You can't say that they're the exception to the universe of "primitives", since they're behavior and opinions clearly suggest a human mentality of primitives.
I never stated that they were the exception, only that they thought they were. European colonists thought the same thing in the 1600's, and the Western world still tends to believe that. I understand if my explanations were vague, though.
Redstar wrote:You talking about a multiverse or something?
It was an apparently poor attempt at a joke. If it helps, I thought it was kinda lame, too :P
Redstar wrote:It came off like a standard sci-fi short story. Nothing especially interesting; no deep philosophical ideas, no dry wit on human origins, no cultural differences leading to outright stupid conclusions... None of that stuff. It seems like you just went with a short piece laced with occasional humour and focusing mostly on the potential of the species.

It was written well enough. Some sentences I would have structured differently, but it was at least readable. Keep at it and maybe we'll see something exceptional from you, eh? :)
In light of your recent evisceration of E. LeGuille's story, I'm almost hesitant to say that this isn't supposed to be a stand-alone story. Another one I'm working on in the same continuum would be about modern-day contact, and I anticipate it would be followed by some other stories in the same vein. Of course, I could probably cover a lot of those bases if I just expanded my ideas for this story first, like having more interaction with the natives.

Thanks again for looking it over!
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Re: Short story

Post by Redstar »

If you really plan to do the entire work from the perspective of aliens, you're setting yourself up for a difficult project. Humans naturally find it difficult to understand things not within their perspective, and aliens are it. We like context. We like being able to say what is the same and what is different. You'll be hard-pressed to find a science fiction work from the sole perspective of aliens, and if you do, it's usually a short (and I mean short) story focusing on satire.

So unless you're trying to give a non-threatening perspective on human customs and behavior from the alien viewpoint, it just won't work that well. (Not saying it can't be done, but it hardly ever is so yeah. But there is the challenge of getting it done right) I would suggest at least building up to a human character, be it a primitive or modern, and place him in there in the middle of things when the time is right.

Looking forward to reading more, and especially curious now that I know some of your direction.
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

Redstar wrote:I would suggest at least building up to a human character, be it a primitive or modern, and place him in there in the middle of things when the time is right.
That's exactly what I was going for, although it's not really written yet.
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Re: Short story

Post by inhuien »

I read it and thought it was a enjoyable enough diversion ,re the infrared issue I liked the Golden Age feel of it and the overall tech.
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Re: Short story

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inhuien wrote:I read it and thought it was a enjoyable enough diversion ,re the infrared issue I liked the Golden Age feel of it and the overall tech.
Cool cool Any more tips/suggestions on how to make it more than an enjoyable diversion would be much appreciated :)
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Re: Short story

Post by inhuien »

I hope my use of the word diversion didn't come across derogatory as that was not my intention at all, I used it only because the piece was short.
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Re: Short story

Post by othaderak »

inhuien wrote:I hope my use of the word diversion didn't come across derogatory as that was not my intention at all, I used it only because the piece was short.
That's awwight. I wasn't offended or anything, just wondering.
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