AMERICANS ANNOYED BY "ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL SHIT"

[SandRider]

AMERICANS ANNOYED BY "ALL THIS
INTERNATIONAL SHIT" ON INTERNET
Web's Increasingly Worldly Flavor Threatens Americans' Worldview

PULLMAN, WASH. (SatireWire.com) — The profusion of international news available on the Internet has made it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world, a trend researchers say threatens Americans' long, proud history of disregarding anything not about them.

"With all the foreign newspapers and multi-cultural sites, the Internet is making it almost impossible for the average American to remain uninformed and apathetic," said Samantha Lessborn of Washington State University, which conducted the survey. "Americans can still do it. But it now takes effort, whereas before it was as easy as turning off Tom Brokaw whenever he said 'In South Korea today...'"

According to survey participant Danny Grisham, a 22-year-old from Cheyenne, Wyoming, it's not just the plethora of international news on the Web that is irritating. "Look, I can get around the news. I just turn off Reuters headlines in MyYahoo," he said. "But even some of the search sites like Yahoo and Alta Vista are available in different languages. Like everybody in the world doesn't speak English. Yeah, right."

"I can see where it's important if we're, like, beating some country in the Olympics or bombing them or, ideally, both," Grisham added. "But if some Colombian drug lord sinks a ferry full of Israeli soldiers in North Latvoania or Serbo-Malaysia, or wherever, and Americans aren't involved, what has that got to do with me?"

Other respondents said they were appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is reported by some of these foreign sites. "Yesterday, for instance, the St. Louis Rams beat the Atlanta Falcons, OK, and I go to the London Times site and it's not even there," said Chip Pernadge of Kansas City, Mo. "Jesus, no wonder those guys lost the war and had to give Hong Kong back to Canada."

Sensing a market opportunity, Net Nanny, makers of Net Nanny filtering software, announced this week it will introduce NetNarrow, an English-only product that automatically filters out content that appears to be international. Specifically, the software looks for world datelines and keywords indicative of irrelevant foreign stories, including "Shiite," "post-Apartheid," and "Bob Geldof."

Survey-taker Craig Barker of Brooklyn, New York, said he will be among the first to get NetNarrow. "On the Web, there are so many ways to get news from so many different places, I could really get some fresh insights into what's going on in other countries if I wanted to," he said.. "But I don't want to."

"You'd think these Internet people would know that," Barker added. "I mean, that's why the Internet is called America Online, right? It's supposed to be about America."

[smugetsu]

Other respondents said they were appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is reported by some of these foreign sites. "Yesterday, for instance, the St. Louis Rams beat the Atlanta Falcons, OK, and I go to the London Times site and it's not even there," said Chip Pernadge of Kansas City, Mo. "Jesus, no wonder those guys lost the war and had to give Hong Kong back to Canada."

You know, as a resident of Kansas City, MO (close enough, anyway) I'm appalled to know that someone this stupid is close enough to literally be breathing my air.

Way to do us proud, Chip...rest soundly in your bed knowing that you're the reason why we in the midwest are often stereotyped as being rednecks.



Edited for me being hasty (read: an idiot) and not seeing that the source was SatireWire.com...I was in a hurry and got straight to the good stuff. So...yeah.

I actually know people (and in some cases, work with them) that would honestly think that England gave Hong Kong back to Canada. I guess (in my head, anyway) it wasn't outside the realm of possibility for someone to really be voicing those opinions!

[GamePlayer]

Fucking brilliant. This is comedy gold!

[Mandy]

That was great

[SandChigger]

LOVE it.

[chanilover]

Funny.

[Spicelon]

Other respondents said they were appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is reported by some of these foreign sites. "Yesterday, for instance, the St. Louis Rams beat the Atlanta Falcons, OK, and I go to the London Times site and it's not even there," said Chip Pernadge of Kansas City, Mo. "Jesus, no wonder those guys lost the war and had to give Hong Kong back to Canada."

You know, as a resident of Kansas City, MO (close enough, anyway) I'm appalled to know that someone this stupid is close enough to literally be breathing my air.

Way to do us proud, Chip...rest soundly in your bed knowing that you're the reason why we in the midwest are often stereotyped as being rednecks.

errr....i think even the quotes were scripted or tongue-in-cheek, smug - relax. Plus, as a St. Louisan now
living in Lawrence, it is my opinion that no self-respecting Kansas Citian would give a shit about the Rams,
much less St, Louis.

Awesome article, very Onion-worthy!

[TheDukester]

"I can see where it's important if we're, like, beating some country in the Olympics or bombing them or, ideally, both."

Very nice.

[TheDukester]

errr....i think even the quotes were scripted or tongue-in-cheek, smug - relax.

Well, the source is SatireWire.com ... so I'd say that's a pretty safe bet.

[SandRider]

came REAL close to editing that to "FOX News"

[smugetsu]

Other respondents said they were appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is reported by some of these foreign sites. "Yesterday, for instance, the St. Louis Rams beat the Atlanta Falcons, OK, and I go to the London Times site and it's not even there," said Chip Pernadge of Kansas City, Mo. "Jesus, no wonder those guys lost the war and had to give Hong Kong back to Canada."

You know, as a resident of Kansas City, MO (close enough, anyway) I'm appalled to know that someone this stupid is close enough to literally be breathing my air.

Way to do us proud, Chip...rest soundly in your bed knowing that you're the reason why we in the midwest are often stereotyped as being rednecks.

errr....i think even the quotes were scripted or tongue-in-cheek, smug - relax. Plus, as a St. Louisan now
living in Lawrence, it is my opinion that no self-respecting Kansas Citian would give a shit about the Rams,
much less St, Louis.

Awesome article, very Onion-worthy!

I'm not really that bent out of shape about it, honestly!

But if we can't care about the Rams...that leaves the Chiefs...

[Seraphan]

Please stop, my tummy hurts

[Omphalos]

Other respondents said they were appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is reported by some of these foreign sites. "Yesterday, for instance, the St. Louis Rams beat the Atlanta Falcons, OK, and I go to the London Times site and it's not even there," said Chip Pernadge of Kansas City, Mo. "Jesus, no wonder those guys lost the war and had to give Hong Kong back to Canada."

Dude, I totally heard that they took the Panama Canal too!

[Freakzilla]

As if beating the Falcons is newsworthy...

[Rakis]

North Latvoania or Serbo-Malaysia

[Schu]

Fuckin' Awesome

[DuneFishUK]

Fantastic!

[Freakzilla]

As if beating the Falcons is newsworthy...

So... who's a 49ers fan?

[Arrrmanda]

Football sucks *hides*

[Omphalos]

Football sucks *hides*

Amen. Well, mostly.

[SandRider]

thought I was having another stroke today -

tuned in for a minute to watch Dallas, they were playing the Kansas City Chiefs ...

but the Chiefs were wearing red uniforms with a big state of Texas decal on the helmets ....

didn't get what was going on until I noticed the "Dallas Texans" sweatshirts the coaches were
wearing. Then it dawned on me, Lamar Hunt, the original Dallas team started in 1960, moved
to KC sometime in the mid-60's &etc.

some of the NFL retro-uniform bullshit.

just play the fucking game already,
leave the clowns to the circus.


this thread is now about
bitching about pro football.

go ...

[SandChigger]

Go ...

NEVER saw the point.

They get paid HOW MUCH to do that?

Grown men, in stretchy pants?

[Crysknife]

I guess I'll be the sole Dune torch bearer for Football

Go Utes!!

[TheDukester]

I guess I'll be the sole Dune torch bearer for Football

Ahem. Reigning Jacurutu bowl pool champion here!

viewtopic.php?t=1013" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

But, yes, I know what you're saying: the fact that most of the heathens around here don't follow the gridiron action is pretty depressing. SandRider's always good for some Texas/SEC input, but there's not much beyond that. Here, watch: I'll try to get Chiggie riled up:



There might be some outrage coming, but it will quickly pass.

Heathens. All of 'em.

[TheDukester]

some of the NFL retro-uniform bullshit.

It was a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the founding of the AFL. I think all eight of the original franchises were instructed to wear throwback uniforms.

Sadly, that included the 1960 Denver Broncos ensemble:



No, that's not Photoshopped. No, that's not the University of Wyoming. Those were the actual uniforms, vertically-striped socks included.