Kevin, you're just making it too easy


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TheDukester
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Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by TheDukester »

There's no challenge in coming up with ways to mock this:

http://www.wordfire.com/kjablog/2009/08 ... f-my-back/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

C'mon, Kevin, use your head! Making the ugliest fucking shirts in the history of civilization is just way too easy of a target. Seriously, not even your sweaty fanboys will drag those ugly-ass things down to their parents' basements.

I'll give you credit for one thing, though: that fourth shirt is just priceless. It's the final proof that you have absolutely no self-respect, are consumed by self-loathing, and are in need of psychiatric care to discuss your desperate need for validation and acceptance.
"Anything I write will be remembered and listed in bibliographies on Dune for several hundred years ..." — some delusional halfwit troll.
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Tleszer
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Tleszer »

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Pure awesomeness! :roll:
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SandChigger
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by SandChigger »

Um ... did you catch the title? :shock:

The Shirt off My Back

Remember that Facebook boob Jerry that mailed me out of the blue last week? Telling me to feel the love and how The Hacks Twain are such great people, they'd give me the shirt off their (collective?) backs? For a few days or so my status was
Arrakeen Sand Chigger is, mmmmm, SO feeling the love right now. Hey, Kevin! Can I really have the shirt off your back?! :D
TELL me this is a coincidence. Then bend down and kiss my right pinkie, 'cause if it is, I'm Mary Fucking Queen of Scots.

Shit.
Rebecca has worked with designer T. Durren Jones to create a new line of “Life’s a Dance” t-shirts, with great artwork and clever phrases:
I dare say I've drawn more interesting "artwork" while urinating outside in dirt. And the cleverness is completely stunning. No, I mean it: I feel like someone has hit me up the side of the head with a hock of ham.

Speaking of which, the irony of Rebeccow being involved in creating T-shirts with a dancing theme is just too delicious, considering the last time she danced they probably recorded it on seismographs clear over here.
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"
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GamePlayer
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by GamePlayer »

LOL! TheDukester yet again inspires me! :)

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Hunchback Jack
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Hunchback Jack »

Those "Kevin J. Anderson Fan" shirts ... Words fail me. It would be one thing if the "fans" themselves made them as some kind of grass-roots display of support, but the fact they are made and sold *by kja* - I just shake my head at the guy's needy insecurity. Unbelievable.

I'd love to buy one, cross out his name, and write "TALI-" in big red letters above his excised name.

HBJ
"The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
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I'm still very proud of The Quarry but … let's face it; in the end the real best way to sign off would have been with a great big rollicking Culture novel.
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Ampoliros
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Ampoliros »

I think this one also says volumes...

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great shirt to promote your own band, KJA.
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by loremaster »

did anyone scroll down far enough to see the "about the author" box.

Just check the size of it, and the size of the font.
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by trang »

the t-shirts are crap.. but did ya read the dam about the author box??? holy shnikes..



About The Author

KJA
Kevin J. Anderson is the author of more than one hundred books, 47 of which have appeared on national or international bestseller lists. He has over 20 million books in print in thirty languages. He has won or been nominated for numerous prestigious awards, including the Nebula Award (WHAT FRAKKING BOOK DID HE WRITE THAT LAND ON THIS AWARD???)

Bram Stoker Award, the SFX Reader's Choice Award, the American Physics Society's Forum Award, and New York Times Notable Book.

By any measure, he is one of the most popular writers currently working in the science fiction genre (LYING PRICK!!! who voted him popular at anything besides blowing hot air into his machine???).

Anderson has coauthored ten books in Frank Herbert's classic DUNE universe with Herbert's son Brian.

The initial deal with Bantam Books was the largest single science fiction contract in publishing history. (GOTTA RESEARCH THIS ONE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME ????)

The first novel, DUNE: HOUSE ATREIDES became a #1 international bestseller and was voted "Book of the Year" by the members of the Science Fiction Book Club by the largest margin in the history of the award. (HORSESHIT!!!)

All of the subsequent DUNE novels have also been bestsellers, each one peaking even higher on the lists; the most recent volume is PAUL OF DUNE, a direct sequel to the original classic DUNE; the authors will release JESSICA OF DUNE in August 2009. (DOUBLE HORSESHIT!!!!)))

For further information, see the official "Dune" site, http://www.dunenovels.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;.

Herbert and Anderson are also co-producers on a major new film of DUNE from Paramount Pictures. (THIS IS AN OUTRIGHT LIE!!! THEY ARENT PRODUCERS, WRITERS, or SHIT TO THE PROJECT OF ANY SIGNIFICANCE!!! AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH FUCKIGN LYING BASATARD!!!)

Anderson's highly popular epic science fiction series, "The Saga of Seven Suns," is his most ambitious work, comprised of HIDDEN EMPIRE, A FOREST OF STARS, HORIZON STORMS, SCATTERED SUNS, OF FIRE AND NIGHT, METAL SWARM, and the grand finale, THE ASHES OF WORLDS, as well as the graphic novel prequel, VEILED ALLIANCES.

Practically unheard-of in the field, Anderson released all seven large volumes on time, year after year, and he completed the series with Book #7. (PLEASE!!! Unheard of my ass, what a douchebag)

On his book-signing tour of New Zealand and Australia, METAL SWARM became the #1 best-selling science fiction novel on the continent.

The final volume hit general fiction bestseller lists in the UK. Now that "Seven Suns" is complete -- after eight years of effort -- Anderson is working on an epic nautical fantasy trilogy, "Terra Incognita," about sailing ships, sea monsters, and the crusades. The first volume, THE EDGE OF THE WORLD, will be released internationally by Orbit in June 2009. He has begun work on the second volume, THE MAP OF ALL THINGS, for summer 2010 publication.


Anderson's STAR WARS "Jedi Academy" books were the three top-selling SF novels of 1994. His three original STAR WARS anthologies -- TALES FROM THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA, TALES FROM JABBA'S PALACE, and TALES OF THE BOUNTY HUNTERS are the best-selling science fiction anthologies of all time. (BULLSHIT FROM THE STARS... HOW DOES HE HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THIS????))

He has also completed numerous other projects for Lucasfilm, including the 14-volumes in the bestselling and award-winning YOUNG JEDI KNIGHTS series (cowritten with his wife Rebecca Moesta). Anderson is the author of three hardcover novels based on the X-FILES; all became international bestsellers, the first of which reached #1 on the London Sunday Times.

He has also coauthored a major bestseller with Dean Koontz, PRODIGAL SON, which sold more than a million copies in a single year. He has written original novels SLAN HUNTER (a completion of SF grand-master A.E. van Vogt's last novel), HOPSCOTCH, CAPTAIN NEMO, THE MARTIAN WAR, BLINDFOLD, RESURRECTION, INC., and the thrillers ILL WIND and IGNITION (both with Doug Beason).

In 1997, during a promotional tour for his comedy/adventure novel AI! PEDRITO!, Anderson set the Guinness World Record for "Largest Single-Author Book Signing."

For the Horror Writers Association, he edited the bestselling anthology of humorous horror stories, BLOOD LITE (Pocket Books), containing new works by Charlaine Harris, Jim Butcher, Sherrilyn Kenyon, Joe Lansdale, Kelley Armstrong, and many others.

Anderson recently worked with DC Comics to publish THE LAST DAYS OF KRYPTON, an epic science fiction novel that reveals the never-before-told story of the end of Superman's planet.

His next novel for DC, due in May 2009, is ENEMIES & ALLIES, telling the first encounter of Superman and Batman in the 1950s during the Cold War.

Anderson has scripted numerous bestselling comics and graphic novels, including Justice Society of America for DC, Star-Jammers for Marvel, Star Wars and Predator for Dark Horse, X-Files for Topps, and Star Trek for Wildstorm. He and his wife Rebecca Moesta also wrote the original comic series and graphic novel, GRUMPY OLD MONSTERS for IDW.

Anderson's research has taken him to the top of Mount Whitney and the bottom of the Grand Canyon, inside the Cheyenne Mountain NORAD complex, into the Andes Mountains and the Amazon River, inside a Minuteman III missile silo and its underground control bunker, onto the deck of the aircraft carrier Nimitz, to Maya and Inca temple ruins in South and Central America, inside NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building at Cape Canaveral, onto the floor of the Pacific Stock Exchange, inside a plutonium plant at Los Alamos, and behind the scenes at FBI Headquarters in Washington, DC.
(LAUGHING SO HARD I AM ABOUT TO PISS MY SELF)

He has climbed all 54 mountain peaks in the Colorado Rockies higher than 14,000 ft elevation, and he has completed more than 300 miles of the Colorado Trail. He also, occasionally, stays home and writes. (THIS IS JUST THE COMPLETE TIP OF THE ICEBERG OF SHIT..... WHAT A LYING FUCKER!!)


Laugh with me please.
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SandChigger
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by SandChigger »

Yet another NICE ONE, GP! :lol:

Re the author box: that's where I got most of the boasts for the KJAbot. ;)

(Does everyone else also see the third, right-column part of his blog layout—on the individual post pages only—floating way down BENEATH the author box? IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE! I think it's the sheer ridiculous size of the box that's pushing it down there. That or Uncle Mike has fucked up the layout in some way. :laughing: )
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Rakis
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Rakis »

Wow... :shock:

Gummy worms? Special forces? Shirts?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

He's REALLY going after kids...LITTLE kids... :crazy:

...Or people with a mental age of 8 or something...

Hey Conway ! :D
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Mr. Teg »

Rakis wrote:Wow... :shock:

Gummy worms? Special forces? Shirts?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

He's REALLY going after kids...LITTLE kids... :crazy:

...Or people with a mental age of 8 or something...

Hey Conway ! :D

I think the wording is probably more accurate now.

Kevin J Anderson Fan Sucks


"Heya, kiddies, would you like a gummy worm?"
"Sure..."
"Would ya like to be one of my special little helpers?"
"Sounds swell Mr. Anderson..."
"Here hold this."
"Watcha doing Mr. Anderson?"
"Would ya like the shirt off my back?"
"You're not going to get weird on me are you Mr. Anderson!"
CHOAM
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by DuneFishUK »

AnderZoneShop.com wrote:# Front chest logo says KJA, Award-Winning Author, Read by Millions
# Back proudly declares Kevin J. Anderson Fan
What a heap of shit :lol:
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lotek
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by lotek »

shooting fish in a bloomin barrel:

"Also, because so many of you have asked for it, we also have available “Kevin J. Anderson Fan” shirts, ash gray with maroon printing, front and back."
wouldn't that be "with a moron printing front and back"?
by so many do you mean the little voice in your head telling you you're so great you should endeavour to kiss your (own)ass(Kiss Jour Ass that's close enough)


Trang i'd have laughed with you until I read this:
"He has written original novels SLAN HUNTER (a completion of SF grand-master A.E. van Vogt's last novel)"
That man has no shame...

I propose that he completes :puke: the works of just about everyone... maybe he should expand and complete :puke: anything that wasn't, I suggest he finishes his writing lessons that'd be a good start
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Hunchback Jack
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Hunchback Jack »

Interesting that kja still mentions the Koontz book in his blurb. In the latest reprint of that novel, kja's name does not appear anywhere - not on the cover, not on the title page, copyright page ... Nowhere. Koontz has now claimed sole authorship.

In the intro for the new reprint, Koontz says that although a coauthor was originally listed for the book, Koontz "can't collaborate". He took the first draft from the co-author, and "struck out on his own". Apparently he feels the end product is different enough from KJA's draft that he can claim sole authorship.

Clearly there are some impressive egos at work here; Koontz doesn't mention KJA by name *once* in this whole explanation. But one thing is clear; KJA has been left out in the cold this time.

HBJ
"The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
- Carl Sagan

I'm still very proud of The Quarry but … let's face it; in the end the real best way to sign off would have been with a great big rollicking Culture novel.
- Iain Banks
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by GamePlayer »

SandChigger wrote:Yet another NICE ONE, GP! :lol:
Hehehe, glad you liked it. Thank Dukester too for the inspiration :)
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by SandChigger »

Maybe Koontz wants to keep the proceeds from the comic book adaptation to himself? ;)
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by TheDukester »

Hunchback Jack wrote:In the intro for the new reprint, Koontz says that although a coauthor was originally listed for the book, Koontz "can't collaborate". He took the first draft from the co-author, and "struck out on his own". Apparently he feels the end product is different enough from KJA's draft that he can claim sole authorship.
I remember a very interesting interview from Koontz after the first book in that series became such a success. He basically said what you're relating here: he can't collaborate, didn't enjoy the process, and had no plans to ever do it again. There was a lot of "read between the lines" sub-text, too, which I always felt was Koontz implying (without actually saying) that KJA was a colossal pain in the ass to work with.

And, man, I feel so much better knowing that Koontz basically just re-wrote KJA's shit. Because ... confession time! ... I have to admit I enjoyed the book. I originally listened to it on audio, then actually went out and bought the damn thing. So it's good to know that it's basically just a Koontz book with only a bitter aftertaste of KJA's lack of talent trying to peek through.

Man, I feel better! 8)
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by TheDukester »

Late addition:

Koontz is a hero for basically being smart enough to make sure the contract specified that he had complete control of the project, and for being ballsy enough to basically give TheKJA two big middle fingers. I've always liked his work (well, most of it ... he's had a few misfires), and I think he's living proof that it's possible to write both quickly and well. There's more actual drama and emotion in a Koontz chapter than there is in a KJA trilogy.

I'm off to buy the new edition, even though I don't need it. Hell, I'd pay just to read the new introduction. Man, I bet the whole thing just chaps Keith's ass, big-time ... :dance: :clap: :lol:
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Ampoliros
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Ampoliros »

I think next time someone gets to see the hack on a panel, they should ask him: "What's it like collaborating with someone like Dean Koontz? Do you see yourself moving more towards that kind of market?" Definitely would like to have a camera on his face to see the sting.
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Hunchback Jack
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by Hunchback Jack »

Koontz collaborated with KJA on the first book, and with Ed Gorman on the second. He was contracted to collaborate with Gorman on the third, but decided to write it himself instead. So it could well be that the problem was as much with Koontz as with the other authors. Nothing against Koontz; some authors just don't like to collaborate.

In the introduction to the new reprint, Koontz was careful to put all the "blame" on his inability to collaborate, not on either of the other authors. His omission of either collaborator's name may have just been politeness rather than any ill will. In short, regardless of what went down, Koontz is clearly a class act. (I don't mind him as an author either, what little I've read of him).

So it's hard to know what really happened. But it's interesting that Koontz switched from KJA to Gorman after the first book. And I can only imagine what Koontz's response to KJA's "draft" would have been. :)

Regardless, KJA can hardly include the collaboration with Koontz in his author's blurb if Koontz has effectively disowned him from the book.

HBJ
"The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
- Carl Sagan

I'm still very proud of The Quarry but … let's face it; in the end the real best way to sign off would have been with a great big rollicking Culture novel.
- Iain Banks
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lotek
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by lotek »

I am glad to read that Koontz managed no to let KJA ruin everything as I did read some of his books(one about some monster in the woods at least) and I remember them being of decent facture, nought to do with the untalented teenager style from the other guy(come on a man capable of writing stuff in those "hubbard shite sf turned sect" is capable of anything... or nothing for that matter)
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lotek
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by lotek »

Dean koontz actually wrote a book with his dog, so he shouldn't have had any trouble writing one with an ass:
Many readers wonder what inspires the creative genius of bestselling suspense writer Dean Koontz. Much of the credit must go to Trixie, the golden retriever who taught him things about life that no human ever could. Trixie shows us how to be happy every moment of the day, except those fleeting moments after a meal when the dish is (temporarily) empty. Dogs know how to work hard and to play even harder. With words of wisdom only a bird dog knows, and beautiful photos to warm your heart, this book will lift your spirits and make your leg shake uncontrollably with pleasure!
http://www.xmission.com/~emailbox/koontz/trixie.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

replace the words "trixie" by "KJA", "golden retriever" by "gold digger", "dog" by "untalented writer with absurd ego issues" and the word "pleasure" by "unsufferable pain".
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Re: Kevin, you're just making it too easy

Post by SandChigger »

lotek wrote:Dean koontz actually wrote a book with his dog, so he shouldn't have had any trouble writing one with an ass
ZING!!! :lol:
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"
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