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    KJA of Dune (The Ficticious Parody Anyone can Relate To!)

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    KJA of Dune (The Ficticious Parody Anyone can Relate To!)

    Postby Tleszer » 01 Oct 2008 15:53

    KJA of Dune

    Denver, the last dinosaur
    He's my friend and a whole lot more
    Denver, the last dinosaur
    Shows me a world I never saw before
    ~Theme to Denver the Last Dinosaur

    "Helen Gaius Mohiam."

    "What? Oh, I didn't understand the question..." said Brian.

    "Then what did you write down for 'guilty pleasure?' C'mon, let me see what you wrote," urged Kev. He snatched the paper from Brian, who protested nervously and adamantly without success, and looked at the writing with utter shock. "Alia Atreides becoming a Reverend Mother in utero? That's just sick, even for me. Hmm, maybe we can use that in 'Jessica of Dune.'"

    "Hey, when you said 'guilty pleasure' from Dune I thought you meant my favorite scene." Brian paused for a moment and contemplated his friend's answer. "Mohiam? She's a hag! What do you see in her Kevvy?"

    "Two words. Pain box. And remember, more than just hands can go inside it." Kev smiled wolfishly. This wouldn't be the first time that Brian looked at Kev with a confused, yet deranged look. "So, Brian, now that you understand the question, who would you pork?"

    "Norma Cenva."

    "Uglo or hawty?"

    "Well, I guess hawty only because she could make herself look like anyone. And yes, Kev, I'd rather her than a face dancer because at least she's naturally woman." Kev looked bemused. "And no," Brian continued, "I won't tell you who I'd want her to look like, Kev." "You'd love me in time, Alicia Witt," thought Brian. Kev could see the saliva begin to drip from his friend's mouth.

    "Fine, I won't ask you who but she's not in Dune, we wrote her... I mean, yes, she is in Dune. She's Muad'Dib's muse, his Oracle."

    The two of them raised their arms in unison and called out: "Go Team Anderson!" Kev pressed a button on Brian's Super Nintendo and the "Victory Theme" from Final Fantasy 6 played.

    "Another mystery solved, eh Brian? Well, no matter. I'm going on a hike now. Later Bri-Bri!"

    As Kev left the office Brian thanked the Maker and got to work on his own novel, one separate from The Notorious K.J.A. "This one will be cool," Brian secretly wished. After writing the first chapter Brian disrobed, took off his speedo, and put a mix-tape into his cassette deck. "Everybody's free!" Brian sang merrily.

    Minutes after leaving the office Kev was away from all forms of technology, save for his digital tape recorder, cell phone, iPod Nano, and portable DVD player. He started his trip by watching an episode of Family Guy and Gilmore Girls. Afterward he began trotting along to the sweet sounds on his iPod: Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back," Divinyls "I Touch Myself," Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap," and Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." As the music died down he saw a chipmunk scurry away. Kev succumbed to temptation and investigated the chipmunk's poo nuggets.

    Kev wafted the scent into his nostrils and breathed it in deeply. After about three minutes he sighed in relief. "So, there was an assassination attempt on your life when you were younger. You were shunned by your siblings yet found great company in your mother. Such a brave chipmunk." He continued on his journey of discovery.

    Shortly after his ten minute 1/8 of a mile hike along a mountainous plateau Kev saw an eagle flying high out of his reach. After being shat on by that passing eagle Kev determined that the bird was on the lamb and was being followed by an unknown assailant, probably a stray, gay cat. Eventually, he found his inspiration.

    He dropped his pants and spoke into his recorder: "Diane, I have a new story idea I would like to explore in 'Irulan of Dune.' I'm about to relay the idea. Please have this transcribed by the time I get back to the office. Also, let Brian know that the coffee at his place this morning was delicious!" Kev then let out a raucous pppffft and followed it with a big dookie. Again Kev addressed his recorder: "Diane, it was beautiful. Epic storytelling in the making!"

    Kev inhaled the stank deeply and felt the entire cosmos enter into his being. Heaven and Hell collided and great serenity passed over him. After thirty seconds he let out a raucous sigh and exclaimed: "Its full of stars!" He then looked down at the dookie and said, "I stand corrected. Its full of spermatozoa! Did you get all of that, Diane? Spermatozoa."

    ---

    Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about this writing, but I couldn't just let it waste away on a piece of looseleaf paper. Laugh, groan, be disgusted... but be sure to add your own "KJA of Dune" stories. The more the merrier!
    DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie
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    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 01 Oct 2008 16:13

    :vomit:
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    Postby Tleszer » 01 Oct 2008 16:21

    Thanks for the compliment AToE!
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    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 01 Oct 2008 16:22

    You're welcome.
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    Postby Serkanner » 01 Oct 2008 16:46

    Awesome "twin speaks" reference :lol:
    "... the mystery of life isn't a problem to solve but a reality to experience."

    “There is no escape—we pay for the violence of our ancestors.”

    Sandrider: "Keith went to Bobo's for a weekend of drinking, watched some DVDs,
    and wrote a Dune Novel."
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    Postby Mandy » 01 Oct 2008 18:21

    That is hilarious. :)
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    Postby SandChigger » 01 Oct 2008 19:41

    I'm jealous.

    :lol:
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    Postby GamePlayer » 01 Oct 2008 20:42

    "Wow. I'm sexually aroused, commander." :)
    "They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."
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    Postby Rakis » 01 Oct 2008 22:18

    I'm speechless Image
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    Postby Secher_Nbiw » 02 Oct 2008 06:13

    so when do you start your new job as part of the Harvard Lampoon? :wink: I should probably be disturbed by your parody, as it's more than likely the closest thing to the truth about KJA, but it's just too damned funny!
    I am a mortal god.
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    Postby Tleszer » 02 Oct 2008 07:01

    Thanks guys. I'm glad you like it, since I'm never quite sure when too much is too much. I also figured wafting in the stink was better for everyone than actually tasting it. :wink:
    DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie
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    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 02 Oct 2008 12:16

    Tleszer wrote:Thanks guys. I'm glad you like it, since I'm never quite sure when too much is too much. I also figured wafting in the stink was better for everyone than actually tasting it. :wink:


    To paraphrase something Yngwie Malmsteen once said - Anyone who thinks less is more obviously failed math class. More is always more.
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    Postby Freakzilla » 02 Oct 2008 12:48

    Yngwie is awesome!
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    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 02 Oct 2008 13:43

    Freakzilla wrote:Yngwie is awesome!


    Indeed.

    I have a friend back in Edmonton (recently won a US based completion for best guitarist in North America) who can play like that, he even scallops his fretboards like Malmsteen does. It's pretty fucking scary what that guy can do on guitar. Now a-days he just play's weird mutated country/randomly messed up music, but you can still hear that he's a complete virtuoso. He taught me pretty much everything important I know about shredding (not that I can shred...)

    His name is Cory, here's a link to some songs off his new album:
    http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=105572227

    It's pretty strange stuff, but there's some shred in the thrid song The Death Chicken Intro In Eb
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    Postby Tleszer » 02 Oct 2008 13:43

    A Thing of Eternity wrote:
    Tleszer wrote:Thanks guys. I'm glad you like it, since I'm never quite sure when too much is too much. I also figured wafting in the stink was better for everyone than actually tasting it. :wink:


    To paraphrase something Yngwie Malmsteen once said - Anyone who thinks less is more obviously failed math class. More is always more.


    I think KJA subscribes to this philosophy. Why write one Butlerian Jihad novel when you can write three!
    DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie
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    Postby Tleszer » 17 Dec 2008 18:46

    "Brian Herbert" (to the tune of Britney Spears' Womanizer)*

    *NOTE: It's a pretty crappy song, but I saw potential :)

    Great author
    How’s the poo, where’s it going?
    What are you?
    Get a clue what you shitting

    You can write brand new to
    All the Pretards out here
    But it’s all a turd
    What you are, Bri-Bri

    Look at you
    Makin’ more than just a setup
    KJA
    Uses your picture as a pin-up

    Crapping out a novel
    The Normacle is a hero
    I know what you are
    What you are, Bri-Bri

    Brian Herbert, Brian-Brian Herbert
    You’re a Brian Herbert
    Oh, Brian Herbert, oh
    You’re a Brian Herbert, Bri-Bri

    You, you, you are
    You, you, you are
    Brian Herbert, Brian Herbert
    Brian Herbert

    Boy don’t try to write, uh, I
    Know just, just what you are, ah, ah
    Boy don’t try to write, uh, I
    Know just, just what you are, ah, ah

    You got Chig going
    You’re oh so pooing
    But you can’t do it
    You Brian Herbert

    Boy don’t try to write, uh, I
    Know just, just what you are, ah, ah
    Boy don’t try to write, uh, I
    Know just, just what you are, ah, ah

    You say I’m Talifan
    I know you’re no fan
    You’re nothing but a
    Brian Herbert

    Bri-Bri-O
    You got the heritage of a champion
    Too bad for you
    You just can’t find the right companion

    I guess when you have nine too many
    Makes it hard, no more redemption
    Who you are
    That’s just who you are, Bri-Bri

    Machine A.I.
    Not from notes, you Pretard lover
    To think that I
    Would read your shit, you’re a sucker

    An Ultra-Kwisatz Haderach?
    But no way I’m ever gonna
    Root for you
    Never you, Bri-Bri

    Brian Herbert, Brian-Brian Herbert
    You’re a Brian Herbert
    Oh, Brian Herbert, oh
    You’re a Brian Herbert, Bri-Bri

    You, you, you are
    You, you, you are
    Brian Herbert, Brian Herbert
    Brian Herbert

    Boy don’t try to write, uh, I
    Know just, just what you are, ah, ah
    Boy don’t try to write, uh, I
    Know just, just what you are, ah, ah

    Brian Herbert, Brian-Brian Herbert
    You’re a Brian Herbert
    Oh, Brian Herbert, oh
    You’re a Brian Herbert, Bri-Bri
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    Postby SandChigger » 17 Dec 2008 19:01

    :lol: :lol: :lol:


    (Damn...I don't know the song...now I'm going to have to track it down. :twisted: )
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    On the song

    Postby Sole Man » 17 Dec 2008 19:10

    I don't have the heart to tell him there was a link in Tleszer's post...

    anyway, Telzer you must be a siiiiiiick individual to come up with material that funny.

    Come up.

    Come.

    cum.

    Must explore later.
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    Postby SandChigger » 17 Dec 2008 19:50

    (The link said "lyrics", so I didn't bother. Dipshit.)
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    Postby GamePlayer » 18 Dec 2008 11:49

    I heard "Womanizer" waiting in line somewhere and thankfully the song was bad in that utterly forgettable way that I can't recall anything from it except the knowledge that I have heard it. So on that note, I'll just enjoy the lyrics :)
    "They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."
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    on that damn song.

    Postby Sole Man » 18 Dec 2008 15:44

    I apologize to you, Sandchigger. I was afraid of the link...

    Anyway, this girl on my bus would annoy us with it, sining the refrain over and over over and over and over and over...

    In an unrelated inncident, authorities recently found her corpse with her fingers half digested in her stomach.
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    Postby Tleszer » 18 Dec 2008 17:42

    Yeah, the song is like the Ark of the Covenant in how it melts a person's head, except, you know, in that it isn't holy and is in fact what heralds in the Antichrist.

    Actually, with each new song she releases, we come one step closer to damnation.
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    Postby SandChigger » 18 Dec 2008 18:04

    Oh, goody. I've so been looking forward to damnation and all the fun things what come with it ... like kissing the arse of Lord Lightbearer. :roll:

    ;)

    Hmm ... anyone else out there who'd kiss Satan's ass before KJA's? :lol:


    (Hey, don't Windows browsers have a "status bar" in the window somewhere that shows you the URL when you pass the cursor over a link? I remember orald also mentioning not trusting a link a long time back...??? Besides, if you can't trust Tleszer, who can you trust?! :shock: )
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    Postby DuneFishUK » 18 Dec 2008 18:39

    Womanizer - Karaoke Instrumental version:
    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6RU2n1YlFro

    *complete with mp3 download link.

    Go on.... :D
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    Postby Tleszer » 18 Dec 2008 18:53

    Still terrible, but almost(?) listenable without the lyrics. Nevermind, it only makes me want to kill myself slightly less since KJA's lyrics aren't present. :wink:

    Chig, the web address does appear on a status bar, but web addresses could be misleading I suppose. However, you can trust meeee. :D



    EDIT: in case you like harming yourself...

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1_7QMcEJ3wo
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