KJA of Dune (The Ficticious Parody Anyone can Relate To!)
Posted: 01 Oct 2008 15:53
KJA of Dune
Denver, the last dinosaur
He's my friend and a whole lot more
Denver, the last dinosaur
Shows me a world I never saw before
~Theme to Denver the Last Dinosaur
"Helen Gaius Mohiam."
"What? Oh, I didn't understand the question..." said Brian.
"Then what did you write down for 'guilty pleasure?' C'mon, let me see what you wrote," urged Kev. He snatched the paper from Brian, who protested nervously and adamantly without success, and looked at the writing with utter shock. "Alia Atreides becoming a Reverend Mother in utero? That's just sick, even for me. Hmm, maybe we can use that in 'Jessica of Dune.'"
"Hey, when you said 'guilty pleasure' from Dune I thought you meant my favorite scene." Brian paused for a moment and contemplated his friend's answer. "Mohiam? She's a hag! What do you see in her Kevvy?"
"Two words. Pain box. And remember, more than just hands can go inside it." Kev smiled wolfishly. This wouldn't be the first time that Brian looked at Kev with a confused, yet deranged look. "So, Brian, now that you understand the question, who would you pork?"
"Norma Cenva."
"Uglo or hawty?"
"Well, I guess hawty only because she could make herself look like anyone. And yes, Kev, I'd rather her than a face dancer because at least she's naturally woman." Kev looked bemused. "And no," Brian continued, "I won't tell you who I'd want her to look like, Kev." "You'd love me in time, Alicia Witt," thought Brian. Kev could see the saliva begin to drip from his friend's mouth.
"Fine, I won't ask you who but she's not in Dune, we wrote her... I mean, yes, she is in Dune. She's Muad'Dib's muse, his Oracle."
The two of them raised their arms in unison and called out: "Go Team Anderson!" Kev pressed a button on Brian's Super Nintendo and the "Victory Theme" from Final Fantasy 6 played.
"Another mystery solved, eh Brian? Well, no matter. I'm going on a hike now. Later Bri-Bri!"
As Kev left the office Brian thanked the Maker and got to work on his own novel, one separate from The Notorious K.J.A. "This one will be cool," Brian secretly wished. After writing the first chapter Brian disrobed, took off his speedo, and put a mix-tape into his cassette deck. "Everybody's free!" Brian sang merrily.
Minutes after leaving the office Kev was away from all forms of technology, save for his digital tape recorder, cell phone, iPod Nano, and portable DVD player. He started his trip by watching an episode of Family Guy and Gilmore Girls. Afterward he began trotting along to the sweet sounds on his iPod: Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back," Divinyls "I Touch Myself," Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap," and Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." As the music died down he saw a chipmunk scurry away. Kev succumbed to temptation and investigated the chipmunk's poo nuggets.
Kev wafted the scent into his nostrils and breathed it in deeply. After about three minutes he sighed in relief. "So, there was an assassination attempt on your life when you were younger. You were shunned by your siblings yet found great company in your mother. Such a brave chipmunk." He continued on his journey of discovery.
Shortly after his ten minute 1/8 of a mile hike along a mountainous plateau Kev saw an eagle flying high out of his reach. After being shat on by that passing eagle Kev determined that the bird was on the lamb and was being followed by an unknown assailant, probably a stray, gay cat. Eventually, he found his inspiration.
He dropped his pants and spoke into his recorder: "Diane, I have a new story idea I would like to explore in 'Irulan of Dune.' I'm about to relay the idea. Please have this transcribed by the time I get back to the office. Also, let Brian know that the coffee at his place this morning was delicious!" Kev then let out a raucous pppffft and followed it with a big dookie. Again Kev addressed his recorder: "Diane, it was beautiful. Epic storytelling in the making!"
Kev inhaled the stank deeply and felt the entire cosmos enter into his being. Heaven and Hell collided and great serenity passed over him. After thirty seconds he let out a raucous sigh and exclaimed: "Its full of stars!" He then looked down at the dookie and said, "I stand corrected. Its full of spermatozoa! Did you get all of that, Diane? Spermatozoa."
---
Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about this writing, but I couldn't just let it waste away on a piece of looseleaf paper. Laugh, groan, be disgusted... but be sure to add your own "KJA of Dune" stories. The more the merrier!
Denver, the last dinosaur
He's my friend and a whole lot more
Denver, the last dinosaur
Shows me a world I never saw before
~Theme to Denver the Last Dinosaur
"Helen Gaius Mohiam."
"What? Oh, I didn't understand the question..." said Brian.
"Then what did you write down for 'guilty pleasure?' C'mon, let me see what you wrote," urged Kev. He snatched the paper from Brian, who protested nervously and adamantly without success, and looked at the writing with utter shock. "Alia Atreides becoming a Reverend Mother in utero? That's just sick, even for me. Hmm, maybe we can use that in 'Jessica of Dune.'"
"Hey, when you said 'guilty pleasure' from Dune I thought you meant my favorite scene." Brian paused for a moment and contemplated his friend's answer. "Mohiam? She's a hag! What do you see in her Kevvy?"
"Two words. Pain box. And remember, more than just hands can go inside it." Kev smiled wolfishly. This wouldn't be the first time that Brian looked at Kev with a confused, yet deranged look. "So, Brian, now that you understand the question, who would you pork?"
"Norma Cenva."
"Uglo or hawty?"
"Well, I guess hawty only because she could make herself look like anyone. And yes, Kev, I'd rather her than a face dancer because at least she's naturally woman." Kev looked bemused. "And no," Brian continued, "I won't tell you who I'd want her to look like, Kev." "You'd love me in time, Alicia Witt," thought Brian. Kev could see the saliva begin to drip from his friend's mouth.
"Fine, I won't ask you who but she's not in Dune, we wrote her... I mean, yes, she is in Dune. She's Muad'Dib's muse, his Oracle."
The two of them raised their arms in unison and called out: "Go Team Anderson!" Kev pressed a button on Brian's Super Nintendo and the "Victory Theme" from Final Fantasy 6 played.
"Another mystery solved, eh Brian? Well, no matter. I'm going on a hike now. Later Bri-Bri!"
As Kev left the office Brian thanked the Maker and got to work on his own novel, one separate from The Notorious K.J.A. "This one will be cool," Brian secretly wished. After writing the first chapter Brian disrobed, took off his speedo, and put a mix-tape into his cassette deck. "Everybody's free!" Brian sang merrily.
Minutes after leaving the office Kev was away from all forms of technology, save for his digital tape recorder, cell phone, iPod Nano, and portable DVD player. He started his trip by watching an episode of Family Guy and Gilmore Girls. Afterward he began trotting along to the sweet sounds on his iPod: Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back," Divinyls "I Touch Myself," Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap," and Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." As the music died down he saw a chipmunk scurry away. Kev succumbed to temptation and investigated the chipmunk's poo nuggets.
Kev wafted the scent into his nostrils and breathed it in deeply. After about three minutes he sighed in relief. "So, there was an assassination attempt on your life when you were younger. You were shunned by your siblings yet found great company in your mother. Such a brave chipmunk." He continued on his journey of discovery.
Shortly after his ten minute 1/8 of a mile hike along a mountainous plateau Kev saw an eagle flying high out of his reach. After being shat on by that passing eagle Kev determined that the bird was on the lamb and was being followed by an unknown assailant, probably a stray, gay cat. Eventually, he found his inspiration.
He dropped his pants and spoke into his recorder: "Diane, I have a new story idea I would like to explore in 'Irulan of Dune.' I'm about to relay the idea. Please have this transcribed by the time I get back to the office. Also, let Brian know that the coffee at his place this morning was delicious!" Kev then let out a raucous pppffft and followed it with a big dookie. Again Kev addressed his recorder: "Diane, it was beautiful. Epic storytelling in the making!"
Kev inhaled the stank deeply and felt the entire cosmos enter into his being. Heaven and Hell collided and great serenity passed over him. After thirty seconds he let out a raucous sigh and exclaimed: "Its full of stars!" He then looked down at the dookie and said, "I stand corrected. Its full of spermatozoa! Did you get all of that, Diane? Spermatozoa."
---
Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about this writing, but I couldn't just let it waste away on a piece of looseleaf paper. Laugh, groan, be disgusted... but be sure to add your own "KJA of Dune" stories. The more the merrier!
I should probably be disturbed by your parody, as it's more than likely the closest thing to the truth about KJA, but it's just too damned funny!
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