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    Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

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    Postby orald » 12 Jun 2008 02:18

    Wot, no updated version of Dune 2: Building of A Dynasty? :o

    Or God Emperor: Battle for Dune?

    Dune +20K?
    In memory of Perach, who suffered and died needlessly.

    I wish I could have been with you that one last time.
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    Postby Tleszer » 17 Jun 2008 19:34

    Paul of Dune

    Machines OfTen are HatERs-- HeroEs Love chicken ParMagiana and sausE.

    CHickens ANswer to mIce and It iS KEEnan PoopING Mounds nEar CaroL Of Salusa sEcundus.

    SHaitan hEars WhAt NaTiveS Think abOut Sand EXhibits and MetEors.

    HelEna Loathes Paulus.

    (P.S. It is so great that Chani would pass this note along to you, Mother.)

    ~letter from Paul-Muad'Dib to Sayyadina Jessica


    Jessica of Dune

    En garde!
    Your eyes threaten.
    Thrust, parry, "Gods below!"
    Your Voice commands.
    Parry, stab, stab!
    Your voice echoes untoward eternity!
    Thru~st.

    Enough foreplay, Madam,
    I'm ready for ample lovemaking!

    ~love song to Lady Jessica from Gurney Halleck


    Irulan of Dune

    "Oh. Oh my!" Irulan sighed excitedly as her face slowly became flushed.

    "What are you doing, witch-queen?" Irulan was so engrossed with her reading that she did not even notice Alia stomping into the room. Normally Irulan would not take to being called such names, but she could never say 'no' to Alia's great blue eyes and generous mouth.

    "I'm, uh, reading about an ancient Terran who was the first person to make contact with the sandworms of Dune and not be made their bitch." This excited Alia. "Come, Alia, put your head on my lap and I'll tell you a story about this man."

    "Yay! Thanks Auntie Urin... I mean Irulan!" Irulan gave the child a stern look and Alia apologized.

    "The saga of Dune was just beginning. It was many years ago. By his will alone, since the juice of sapho had not yet been invented by the Great Norma Holtzman, he flew a ship for 100 years straight without any potty breaks--"

    "Hey, stop making fun of me. I already told you I was sorry about your bed," Alia said. "I didn't realize how much spice-apple juice I had already had."

    "I didn't mean to upset you. I was just telling the story." Irulan hoped Alia had not seen the gleam of satisfaction in her eyes. Alia did. This one event would change their relationship forever. "Anyways," Irulan continued, "this man's willpower was so strong that it appeared that he hadn't aged a day since he took over piloting duties on the ship. Its a shame that the Sisterhood was not yet in existence. They would have loved his genes, among other things..."

    Their giggles were so loud that they reached Paul's bedroom but since his boneritis was so strong he could not get out of bed. He prayed that Chani would return to the bedroom before it was too late.

    "When everyone reached Dune a sandworm attacked and nearly everyone died. Suddenly, one sandworm tried to mount the man who had piloted the ship. Though powerful, the man's roundhouse kick was not strong enough to dissuade the sandworm's intentions. Everyone began to cry."

    "What happened next?" a wide-eyed Alia asked. As she continued the story, Irulan's breathing grew louder and became a crescendo of panting.

    "As the sandworm came crashing down the man braced himself for the impact. Instead of being crushed, the man fully supported the sandworm on his back and he started walking away from the ship as if giving the sandworm a piggy-back ride. Imagine, giving Shai-hulud a piggy-back ride!" Irulan and Alia both exhaled deeply. "That is why it is now said that sandworms attempt to ride Chuck Norris as a rite of passage into manhood." Alia stood up.

    "Thank you for the story, Auntie!" Alia skipped away. Irulan was left to her dreams of Chuck Norris and Paul-Muad'Dib.

    Later that night Alia sneaked into Irulan's room and cut off her golden-blonde hair. She then placed Irulan's hand in a bowl of warm spice-apple juice. Alia, pleased with her work, kissed Irulan softly on her forehead and quietly sneaked back into her own room where she consulted her Other Memory. She asked Chuck Norris if the stories about him were true.

    He answered: Yes. They're real and they're beautiful.
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    Postby Hunchback Jack » 17 Jun 2008 19:54

    Alia did. This one event would change their relationship forever.


    That made me choke on my coffee. Hilarious!

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    Postby Phaedrus » 17 Jun 2008 20:04

    You sir, are a great asset to the community.
    You aren't thinking or really existing unless you're willing to risk even your own sanity in the judgment of your existence.
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    Postby SandChigger » 17 Jun 2008 21:23

    Hilarious! :D
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    Postby Hunchback Jack » 17 Jun 2008 22:32

    And that Gurney Halleck poem was truly appalling. And yet ... strangely seductive ;)

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    Postby Tleszer » 18 Jun 2008 06:04

    Thanks guys. I wasn't quite sure if I should include Gurney's song (I hope it was worthy of his warrior-troubadour status :D) or even Paul's letter (especially the letter since it looks so strange and out of place). I was hoping to make the "message" coherent but instead opted to just use the weirdness to my advantage in getting Paul's hidden message across.

    What, does he think that Chani is slow and can't understand the message to Jessica? :wink:
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    Postby Ampoliros » 14 Aug 2008 12:07

    Tleszer, are you Stephen Colbert in real life?

    either way, I applaud you both.
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    Postby Tleszer » 14 Aug 2008 21:26

    Irulan of Dune

    When I first set out to chronicle Paul-Muad'Dib's life Paul and I realized that certain events would need to be re-envisioned in order to cast the new emperor as a savior. To give the illusion that he had humble beginnings I wrote that Caladan was his birthplace rather than Kaitain. Now that Paul-Muad'Dib is dead and gone and smushed on the nether side of a sandworm, it is time for me to reveal the TRUTH as per my obligation of being a respected, universe-renown historian.

    ~Prologue to A Little Mouse on a Big Desert Planet (How the Universe Changed Forever Thanks to the Incompetence of the Bene Gesserit, Shaddam Corrino IV, and the Harkonnens): An IRULAN CORRINO Love Story set Against the Backdrop of CHOM and Guild Navigator Conspiracies (Book One of Five) by Irulan Corrino

    Fact #1
    When Paul first met Reverend Mother Mohiam he was not as well hidden under his blankets as I had indicated in Dune. Mohiam and Lady Jessica knew Paul was awake because they saw a tent slowly form under his blankets and his hand make its way over to the tent in order to soften its strength. Jessica then said: "He's a little small for his age." Mohiam cackled.

    Fact #2
    Paul was afraid of girls. He often let Chani play the part of the boy when they were in bed together.

    Fact #3
    Chani used to call the first baby Leto "my little Paolo."

    Fact #4
    He liked it when people called him "Big Papa."

    [EDITOR'S NOTE: This never happened. Irulan was off her medication when she wrote this and the next 50 or so "facts." They are fairly entertaining and have been included for entertainment purposes only.]

    [...]

    Fact #31
    Duke Rhombur Vernius of Ix was decommissioned after he gave a young Paul a piggyback ride because his mechanical parts made a rash on Paul's butt. This is the reason why Ix never came to help the Atreides while they were on Dune.

    Fact #32
    Paul and I used to sex each other up every night whenever Chani went to bed early. Ride the worm, yo!


    Jessica of Dune

    Shortly after becoming Sayyadina to the Fremen I received a strange note from Paul. It read: "Mother--help me. Chani is keeping me close. She wants to sex me. Help."

    I was proud of my son for realizing that he could always talk with me if he had any problems that needed to be worked out. I decided to send him a note that would clear up all of his issues. In it I described all the ways in which my Leto satisfied me in bed. I also described actions that he should not perform on little Chani so as not to upset and alienate her. The Alia-baby-within agreed with his decision.

    And now my son is emperor! I could not be any happier!

    ~note from Sayyadina Jessica to Naib Stilgar
    Cc: Gurney Halleck; Harrah; Fed. Otheym; Fed. Korba



    Leto of Dune

    Leto: Words are a form of control. Mankind uses words as a way to satisfy others, themselves... they drown themselves in words in order to find meaning. But what is meaning if not words? Words beget meaning beget more words. If not for the Ixian devices I use and need, my meaning would be lost within the chaos of my inner voices, never to see the light of day. I could drown in meaning.

    Moneo: Uh, Lord Leto?

    Leto: Yes, my faithful Moneo?

    Moneo: What does this have to do with the fire pits you had the Fish Speakers set up outside Onn?

    Leto: Ah, poor Moneo! Call Siona and ask her to bring the BBQ sauce.

    Moneo: What shall I do, Lord Leto?

    Leto: You and the Fish Speakers will go gather those "historians" who desire nothing but the distortion of truth and meaning. Tonight, we dine... in HELL!

    Moneo: A little dramatic, eh, Lord Leto?

    Leto: Is that you, Moneo? You're starting to look like a rebellious Duncan Idaho.

    Moneo: I'll take care of it right away, Lord Leto!

    Leto: And he calls me "worm" lolz
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    Postby SandChigger » 14 Aug 2008 21:35

    :D

    After just having a peek at something assinine about tachyon radiation over on DN, I REALLY needed this! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    Postby A Thing of Eternity » 14 Aug 2008 21:58

    Great! The best part is when some of this junk turns up in the books. Some of it sounds like it could be straight out of P&tB's heads to me. :lol:
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    Postby Tleszer » 06 Sep 2008 17:33

    Paul of Dune (inspired by Paul of Dune, PoD-Cast)

    One year after the defeat of Shaddam IV.


    They will know my father as a great man because I am super-ultra-magnificent. All children shower in the legacy of a parent; the son is but a golden reflection of the father!
    ~Emperor Paul-Muad'Dib Atreides


    "Ecaz, Brian! What are we going to do tonight?"

    "Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the Duniverse!"
    ~Pinky and the Brian Episode II: Attack of the Worms, A GHOLA WARS Tale (rated ages 10 and up)


    "I'm on my way to enshrine my father's skull. It feels familiar, like a dream half remembered. There is Chani and Mother... I recognize Stilgar... is this happening now? Have I entered into the alam al-mythal while still alive or am I already a mere memory within my daughter?"

    Paul opened his eyes, felt the superior off-world stillsuit chaffing his buttocks and irritating his poophole. For the life of him Paul could not understand why he wore such filth or why he was enshrining a skull that had already been enshrined once before. He glanced at his mother, Chani, and even Alia and remarked how little personality remained in his closest confidants.

    "This is all my making. Steps must be carefully followed to ensure the birth of my daughter," Paul thought. "'God created Arrakis to train the faithful.' What faith can I have with those two facedancers watching over me?"

    Paul scratched at his butt and hoped no one was watching, especially Korba and the Quizzara. "The shit must flow," Paul thought as he let rip a nice, wet one. "Mental note: remember to get de-wormed. I don't want any sandtrout suckling at my buttocks because of this cheaply made ultra-stillsuit."

    After scratching his bunghole Paul dismissed the stately, green-eyed woman he called mother--Jessica.

    "To Caladan you must go, Mother-Jessica. I command it, as is my right as a man-child emperor."

    "But I have the Eyes of the Ibad. I belong here," whined the woman-mother-Jessica.

    "None-the-less you must leave here. I have foreseen this."

    "Foresee this!" Jessica thought as she made the sign of Dur mounting a man, the sign hidden beneath her superior off-world Tasmanian cloak. Jessica heard Paul say "I saw that" as she stormed off toward a 'thopter, not caring if she aroused the suspicions of a sandworm.

    It did become aroused.

    A sandworm came and tried to mount Korba but Paul-Muad'Dib beat it off with his weirding ways. Alia laughed as Paul did this and vowed that she would relay this scene to Irulan. She knew that Paul could kill with a word; Alia wondered what she could do to Irulan with a word...

    ~ : p ~

    That night Paul stared up at the opulent stars glittering throughout the blackened darkness of the night sky, a blanket that covered the silent sleeping of the great city Arrakeen of Dune where so many off-world fanatics flocked to in order to be closer to their God-Emperor Paul-Muad'Dib Atreides. One had even managed to photograph Paul peeing on a young Fremen girl during a spice orgy. There was an uproar until it was explained that a Fremen girl was more of a woman than any off-world woman could ever be. Charges were dropped due to lack of evidence and the fact that Korba sent the judge to "sleep with the worms."

    "I never wanted to be emperor," Paul thought.

    As he walked toward Irulan's room he noticed Alia slipping out quietly, a smirk on her face. Paul poked his head in and saw Irulan writhing in agony-pleasure. "That way leads ever closer toward stagnation and death," Paul thought, hoping that his dreams would come, anything to get the image of Irulan out of his mind.

    At a nearby balcony he thought he saw a smoking hot milf walking towards him. "Who are you?!" he questioned-yelled. Paul was slightly aroused.

    "I see you're trying to have a little jihad of your own. They can be such fun!" Her stately visage, which reminded him of Mother, teased at his cockles.

    "Who are... you?" Paul asked again. The thought of a tent-pole film crossed his mind.

    "Some people have a baby daddy," she said. "I can be your jihad momma."

    Paul walked over to her and made out with her open-mouthed. He began to moan. "Serena! Oh, Serena Butler! Please be... my Jihad... Momma!"

    She slapped him hard against his face. Paul liked it.

    "I'm not Serena Butler." Her voice boomed. "I'm Norma Cenva!" Suddenly her body dissipated, her beauty fading away into nothingness, and all that was left of her was an ugly stump of a woman that put Gurney to shame.

    "Noooooooooo!" Paul screamed as Norma began to hump his leg, but it was too late: she had already become a part of him, his terrible purpose renewed.

    "Why couldn't it have been Serena?" Paul cried to Chani later that night. "She was so hott..."


    Leto of Dune (inspired by the summer blockbuster Step Brothers)

    [cut scene from "Children of Dune" between The Preacher (Paul Muad'Dib) and Leto Atreides]

    "When I was a boy I used to pretend that I was a worm," Paul gruffly said to his son, the preborn Leto Atreides. "I would get on the palace floor, put my arms and legs together, and wriggle all throughout Castle Caladan. Gurney-man sang songs about me! Ah, that was the life.

    "One day when I was 14 I wriggled my way over to my father and asked him: 'Why so serious?' He threatened to put a stone burner in my belly since my antics gave Mother much to do, leaving Father alone in his bed much too often. I mimicked Mother's pout and he told me to grow up.

    "I studied hard to become a mentat-candidate and, as you know, I became Kwisatz Haderach and Emperor of the Known Universe. It was a tough gig. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you should be a kid a little longer. Put your arms and legs together and wriggle like a worm!"

    Leto looked at his now-blind father with a look of surprise. "I have your blessing, Father?"

    "Yes," said Paul-Muad'Dib with a smile on his face.

    "Woot! I can be a worm! I can be a worm!" Leto's nine-year-old voice rang in Paul's mind like knives cutting across glazed sand. Confused, Paul reached for Leto's hand and felt the sandtrout already trying to suck spice from the preborn Leto's blood.

    "Shit," Paul thought. I thought I had another week or so before he tried this nonsense. Guess I'm going to die by the hand of one of my quizzara. Damn you boy!"

    Paul yielded to Leto's greater vision.


    Jessica of Dune


    When I look upon you,
    There is heat from you too.
    I just want to gape and jive,
    While waiting for you to take a dive
    Toward my nethers!
    And you shall be tethered
    While we hump--
    Bump my heavy stump!

    Oh lady, my Lady!
    Grind up upon my body.
    Oh lady, my Lady!
    I do not mind your red shady!

    Duncan will be none too pleased,
    With you between my knees,
    But he has his own red shady.
    Oh lady, my Lady!

    Do not squirm--
    The style is doggy,
    It may seem stodgy
    But I know you will enlighten me--
    Just wait until after I pee!
    Oh lady, my Lady!
    I love your red shady!
    ~Gurney Halleck's mating song to Lady Jessica
    Last edited by Tleszer on 08 Sep 2008 14:43, edited 1 time in total.
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    Postby Ghost » 06 Sep 2008 18:53

    Priceless :D
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    Postby SandChigger » 06 Sep 2008 19:27

    Beyond BRILLIANT! :lol: :lol: :lol:
    I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

    I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

    I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA
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    Postby GamePlayer » 06 Sep 2008 20:25

    Tleszer wrote:[...]

    Fact #32
    Ride the worm, yo!


    I think I hurt my head while rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter :) :lol:
    "They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."
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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby Shaitan » 05 Dec 2010 14:47

    Best. Thread. Evar.
    "When the going gets weird, the Weird turn Pro." -Hunter S. Thompson
    "Man, a guy gets drunk *once* and it's all anyone remembers..." -HBJ
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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby Tleszer » 11 Sep 2011 10:27

    I remembered a post that Chig wrote on his blog (or maybe it was even the fan fiction on DN?) about House: Suk. Well that, as well as being bored at work, inspired this latest in the Heroes of Dune.

    Suk, M.D.

    “He was with his aunt when he suddenly fell ill,” said Reverend Mother Mohiam, the hospital Chief of Medicine. The hospital’s best diagnostician, Dr. Gregory Suk, did not look impressed. What’s so special about a damned child in a coma, especially when I need my fix of semuta?

    “Could it be lupus?” asked one of Dr. Suk’s doe-eyed assistants. He looked at Dr. Irulan Corrino with mock disgust. She knew what was coming, but she still looked on with a love-sick admiration.

    “Lupus is for cattle and love-making,” he deadpanned. “Of course it’s not lupus. It’s never lupus. Any other bright ideas?” Dr Suk turned toward his two other assistant diagnosticians, Drs. Duncan Idaho and Stilgar.

    “Could be a subdermal hematoma,” they reasoned. Dr. Suk just rolled his eyes.

    “You two are morons. Did we pluck you from the sietchs?” Anger flared on Stilgar’s face, but he remained calm. It would not do to provide Dr. Suk with any more ammunition. Suk continued: “Look at the shivering, his blue-within-blue eyes. He’s an addict. Pump him with more mélange and send him on his way.”

    “But that could kill him!” Mohiam snapped. “Do you even really care if he lives or dies? He could be the Kwisatz Haderach we’ve been waiting for.” Dr. Suk scoffed and limped away from her.

    Irulan, Idaho, and Stilgar prepped the patient for spice injection. It was a painful procedure but, if it were the correct treatment, would cure the boy of his ailments. However, predictably at the half hour mark, instead of curing him, the boy was overtaken with seizures which would have killed him were it not for the surgical prowess of the Swordmaster of Ginaz—Dr. Duncan Idaho.

    ***

    “I’m not sure what to do,” said Dr. Suk to his best friend and fellow doctor Gurney-Man Halleck. “Turns out his body was already oversaturated with spice. More would have severely compromised his internal organs.” As he explained his predicament Suk strummed a melancholy tune on the baliset that Halleck kept with him at the hospital to help cheer up the sick children. Halleck hated when Suk took his things without asking, but his grumpy and sardonic friend would not have taken it if he didn’t feel saddened and perplexed by this medical mystery.

    “I wish I could help,” replied Halleck. “All I know is that whenever my laza tigers are sick, I have them treated for worms.” Suk’s face became a mask as the wheels within wheels turned in his head.

    “Worms!” Suk hurriedly limped away to look for his team.

    ***

    “You see,” he told his team, “they Aunt was sending him on ‘the worm-trip,’ doping him up on the spice. The boy—Leto—knew his and tried to counteract the spice’s effects with sandtrout. It would have worked had the sandtrout been more mature. That’s also why we didn’t see them at first—too immature. You know what I mean, right Duncan?” Suk smiled slyly.

    Duncan guffawed loudly.

    Reverend Mother Mohiam looked a Suk and said, “So that boy could be an Abomination? Get him out of my mind!” She was trembling.

    Irulan shook her head. “The beginning is a delicate time. We should have taken notice sooner.”

    Suk knew that Mohiam would be a problem. She was always a problem in these situations. He looked at Duncan, got his attention, and got Duncan’s eyes to fall on Mohiam. As he walked past Suk toward Mohiam Duncan cursed under his breath, “I’m no stud!” and with his best swagger pressed himself up against a breathless Mohiam and led her away.

    When they were gone Suk said to his team, “You know what to do.”

    Stilgar looked bright eyed and shouted: “Time to summon… woorrrmsss.”

    “Well, sandtrout actually,” said Suk.

    ***

    Although Duncan had not yet finished his task with Mohiam, Suk and his team had saved the boy. When Leto woke up, he groggily thanked Irulan for saving his life before promptly hitting on her and saying that she had lovely eyes.

    However, as she started leaving him so he could recover Leto called out: “I have seen the future. The machines are coming back and they look like us now. There are 12 models, and Number 6 and Number 8 are smokin’ hot. They could check my Dradis any time they want.

    “They are being led by a schizophrenic A.I. named Leonard J. Church and his best friend, who bates babies, has team-killed him more times than I can count. Also, I can curve bullets.” Irulan ignored him, as Bene Gesserit are wont to do, and left him babbling in his bed…

    Though glad he found the solution, Suk did not feel at ease. His leg still throbbed as though Shaitan himself had bitten a chunk out of it. To dull the pain, he took a hit of semuta while listening to some off-tempo cool jazz by the orange light of his glowblobe.
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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby Hunchback Jack » 11 Sep 2011 13:37

    :lol: :clap:

    Brilliant, Tleszer. I'm lost for words.

    Also, I can curve bullets.


    Ooh, nice Wanted reference! (With a James McAvoy connection)

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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby Tleszer » 11 Sep 2011 16:30

    Thanks!
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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby SandChigger » 12 Sep 2011 08:48

    :clap:

    Nice. :lol:

    MORE!!! :twisted:
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    Re:

    Postby Demerzel » 12 Sep 2011 14:43

    Tleszer wrote:Everyone stood stunned at his final words. Who, or what, were the Muadru? What role did they play in Shaddam's life? When will the third-person omniscient narrator stop asking questions?
    :lol: :clap:
    When Paul was three I found him wearing lingerie I was planning to wear for my Duke. I asked him: "How can this be?" and he answered: "For I am the Kwisatz Haderach!" I was proud since these were the first words Paul ever spoke, but now I knew for certain that my Paul was a special boy. I brought him to Duncan's room while he was busy "training" a young maidservant in the Art of Sword-Handling. My Paul shall be the best! - Tleszer
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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby Zedwardson » 01 Jan 2012 21:48

    Dear me, That is hilarious, and I stopped the suffering after the three "House" books. Though some of it scares me and it wouldn't be past them to do something like this... :mad:
    I hear the wind blowing across the desert and I see the moons of a winter night rising like great ships in the void.
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    Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

    Postby Tleszer » 01 Jan 2012 22:54

    Glad you liked it! Of course, the suffering they inflict is ungodly and is worse than anything we could come up with. It's too bad they'll never admit that their writings are a glorified fan fiction at best.
    DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie
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