Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

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Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

Postby Tleszer » 31 May 2008 16:25

Paul of Dune

A blind Fremen walks into the desert alone, a small cadre of Jacurutu men behind him. With prescient vision fading, the last of it he used to see the water-stealers, the Jacurutu, following him, the blind Fremen looked for a reprieve.

Suddenly he was alone when a giant snadworm jumped out of the sand and tried to bite him. Using one of the many tricks taught to him by Duncan Idaho, Paul-Muad'Dib flipped to the right, jumped into the air, drew his lasgun and fired into the beast's eye, pivoted to the left, and landed on the sadworm's back. Paul could not help but think of himself as the Man in Black.

The incessant smell of spice, secreated from Shai-Hulud's anus, brought back long-forgotten memories. Though blind, Paul could see his past: his mother Jessica, bound concubine of Duke Leto Atreides, had once found a young Paul acting the part the Bene Gesserit had wanted him to play-- the only time he consciously did this.

There was reason why Thufir, Gurney, and Duncan were my only playmates as a child, Paul recalled. Mother would only have me learn from the best: Duncan "The Man" Idaho. Chani had been pleased with the lessons Paul-Muad'dib had learned from Swordmaster Idaho.


Irulan of Dune

It has been stipulated that Emperor Paul-Muad'Dib is a cross-dresser. There is no truth to this statement. The hidden comeyes in his master bedroom relay signals to the personal holographic systems in my bath house; this rumor is merely propaganda from the Emperor's enemies.

In The Muad'Dib's Jihad news, House Ordos is now allied with the Emperor. Yippie kay yay!


~Irulan Corrino's address to the Fedaykin Death Commandos on Paul-Muad'Dib's 20th birthday


Jessica of Dune

When Paul was three I found him wearing lingerie I was planning to wear for my Duke. I asked him: "How can this be?" and he answered: "For I am the Kwisatz Haderach!" I was proud since these were the first words Paul ever spoke, but now I knew for certain that my Paul was a special boy. I brought him to Duncan's room while he was busy "training" a young maidservant in the Art of Sword-Handling. My Paul shall be the best!

~private letter from Jessica to RM Gaius Mohiam


Leto of Dune

Leto II had just woken up from a night of partying. Yesterday was his 11th birthday. His shaitan was aching to release the spice-beer from the night before. While no one was looking Leto wrote his name in piss below the window where Alia had jumped out of four years prior. Ghani found him and laughed.

"Your 'golden path?'" she teased.

"Yes, sister. I dedicate it to Erasmus, my favorite Tranny of Dune."

"Shh! I thought we weren't going to talk about 'Your-Ass-Much' after what happened last time. You know, when you made that poop joke."

"Ah, yes, that was a pretty clever joke," Leto II said. He scowled. "I wouldn't want anyone to think he was in the notes."

Because they are preborn twins, their T-P is good. Just as Ghani thought Cue mysterious music, Leto whipped out his baliset and started jamming.

Picture yourself in a ship on a planet,
With tranny robots and flowmetal skies.
Somebody calls you, you answer quite loudly,
A normacle with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane quizara of black and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with blue in her eyes,
And she's gone.

Norma in the sky with Guildships
Norma in the sky with Guildships
Norma in the sky with Guildships
Ah... Ah...

Picture yourself on a worm in a desert,
Without any heroes with stone burned eyes,
Suddenly someone is there at the coracle,
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Norma in the sky with Guildships
Norma in the sky with Guildships
Norma in the sky with Guildships
Ah... Ah...


Ghani almost died from her bitter-tasting laughter. Just then, Sabiha entered the chamber and it took all of Leto's prescience to keep his "lasgun" from exploding as it came in contact with Sabiha's "shield." Ghani snickered at the expert control of Leto's muscles. He was always the stronger, she mused.

---

I was bored this week at work and for some reason this is what I came up with. Enjoy :D
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Postby Mandy » 31 May 2008 17:08

:D

Now.. you're gonna have to write more. That was hilarious.

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Postby A Thing of Eternity » 31 May 2008 17:23

Magical.
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Postby SandChigger » 31 May 2008 18:56

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Brilliant!


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Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

Postby orald » 31 May 2008 19:04

Tleszer wrote:In The Muad'Dib's Jihad news, House Ordos is now allied with the Emperor. Yippie kay yay![/i]

:lol:

Tleszer wrote:Leto II had just woken up from a night of partying. Yesterday was his 11th birthday. His shaitan was aching to release the spice-beer from the night before. While no one was looking Leto wrote his name in piss below the window where Alia had jumped out of four years prior.

That would make him about 13 y-o at least at this time...but then again, a few inconssistencies make any book better, right Kev? :roll:
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Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

Postby Tleszer » 31 May 2008 20:18

I'm glad you guys liked it. Once I thought of "Norma in the sky with Guildships," I was sold on my Leto of Dune section. I mean, there are only so many times one can call Erasmus a tranny robot, right?

orald wrote:
Tleszer wrote:Leto II had just woken up from a night of partying. Yesterday was his 11th birthday. His shaitan was aching to release the spice-beer from the night before. While no one was looking Leto wrote his name in piss below the window where Alia had jumped out of four years prior.

That would make him about 13 y-o at least at this time...but then again, a few inconssistencies make any book better, right Kev? :roll:


I was actually going to include more age inconsistencies, but I thought that would just be too ridiculous (since I'm not trying to compete with KJA). Then again, I did have Leto jam to a revised version of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds :D
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Postby A Thing of Eternity » 01 Jun 2008 03:15

Hmmm, NSG eh? wonder what kind of drug that would be, makes you hallucinate quality?
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Postby Tleszer » 01 Jun 2008 07:48

A Thing of Eternity wrote:Hmmm, NSG eh? wonder what kind of drug that would be, makes you hallucinate quality?


Quality? Did we read the same prequels/sequels?
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Postby A Thing of Eternity » 01 Jun 2008 15:47

No no no! That's what the authors were hallucinating.
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Postby HoosierDaddy » 03 Jun 2008 10:23

Bump for more.

:lol:

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Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

Postby Hunchback Jack » 03 Jun 2008 11:10

bryanvdk wrote:
Tleszer wrote:Because they are preborn twins, their T-P is good.
the obvious statements that are continuously repeated throughout the book just in case the reader forgot certain details from 10 pages ago...


Ain't that the truth. "Reminding" us of events from previous books is bad enough, but describing events from a few chapters ago is infuriating. I get the impression the authors do that to remind themselves of what has happened.

Since, you know, they're writing all these other books at the same time. So it's hard to keep track.

HBJ

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Re: Excerpts from "Heroes of Dune" Trilogy (joke)

Postby Freakzilla » 03 Jun 2008 11:34

Hunchback Jack wrote:
bryanvdk wrote:
Tleszer wrote:Because they are preborn twins, their T-P is good.
the obvious statements that are continuously repeated throughout the book just in case the reader forgot certain details from 10 pages ago...


Ain't that the truth. "Reminding" us of events from previous books is bad enough, but describing events from a few chapters ago is infuriating. I get the impression the authors do that to remind themselves of what has happened.

Since, you know, they're writing all these other books at the same time. So it's hard to keep track.

HBJ


Or maybe to remind each other, since they don't coordinate. They just write two seperate story lines then shuffle the chapters like a deck of cards.
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Postby SandChigger » 03 Jun 2008 11:39

Hey, it's a beeyutch trying to look through your notes while out hiking...I mean, writing in the woods. (Ya gotta keep an eye open for barrs, Jack! Grrrrowl!) Besides, if it's something just a chapter or two back, the transcript probably isn't back from the typist yet. (And if it's something from a chapter written by Brian...good luck reading his handwriting through the crossouts and smudged pencil marks!)

Everybody seems to have this romantic idear of an author's life as being easy or something...but it ain't! :roll:
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Postby Tleszer » 04 Jun 2008 08:18

Paul of Dune

It is now the War of Assassins. Duncan and Paul are hiding on Ecaz.

"Duncan, isn't Ecaz near Old Terra? I want to see the atomics-laden wasteland that was the base of the Synchronized Worlds."

"Don't be stupid, Paul. Since there is no such thing as a 'thinking machine,' the Synchronized Worlds must also be a myth, just like this smack to the face." Without warning Duncan slapped Paul.

"Why'd you hurt me, Duncan?" Paul whined.

"I did something to you? I didn't see anything." Duncan continued ahead and Paul was left wondering about the "Myth of the Smack."

This is an important lesson, thought Paul. I am ever closer to my terrible purpose. Oooh, look! A mauve bib! Gimmie!


Irulan of Dune

"Finally I get my own book!" said Irulan to Jessica. "Its not enough that I'm in five books and I've 'authored' stories covering the Butlerian Jihad. After writing thousands of possible chapter-opening quotes I'm finally given my own full-length novel. I can't wait to tell Wensici--"

IRULAN OF DUNE
FIN



Jessica of Dune

"Oh, you would not believe the intrigue that is going on around Castle Caladan," Attendant Claire Windy said to her friends and confidants. "I saw Lady Jessica and Gurney Halleck holding hands." The three girls giggled.

"Really? I saw them do much more." Attendant Natasha Kremlin spoke with an accent that any trained Bene Gesserit would have recognized as being a Russian-variant from Old Terra. However, since no one was even remotely a Bene Gesserit trainee, the other two girls just thought that Natasha's accent was just plain weird-sounding. Or did they? "I saw Halleck stuff his tongue down her throat. This is no euphemism." A collective "Oooh" erupted from the rented caravan of boisterous audience members on loan from Kaitain.

"I heard that Lady Jessica was rejoining the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood," said the previously silent young woman.

"Girl, don't you even joke about that!" said Claire Windy to a thinly-disguised St. Alia of the Knife. Now crying like a green snake in a sugar cane field, Alia fled to her room where she sobbed to her husband Duncan Idaho, who wanted nothing more than to have a threesome with both Jessica and Alia. Bow chicka wow wow.


Leto of Dune

"When I was your age, young whipper-snapper, I had decency-- I was fully clothed while I kept the Empire running smoothly. You know, we had laser beams that could travel thousands of light-years and yet end up at the fringes of known space. Ah, the memories..."

Leto looked at the man with intense scrutiny. He could almost trace the man's features to the look of pre-Corrino era Atreides, but Leto could not find him in his Other Memories. This surprise was tantalizing to the young God Emperor, especially since the man standing before him looked no older than sixty. Leto studied the face once more and realized that he could not even trace the lineage of this man to any offshoot Atreides branches.

As if recognizing Leto's non-understanding, the man spoke up and stated: "I'm your grandpappy, boy. Come, fish with me."

Clearly this man is stupid, thought Leto. He bears no resemblance to Duke Paulus and especially none to Baron Harkonnen... definately not a ghola like Duncan or even Scytale. What a dolt! The sandtrout skin won't let me anywhere near water! Fiendishly Leto II said, "The Fenring will be most pleased with this one."

The man sneezed, causing his eyes to bulge. A greater bulge than in his pants, thought leto.

"Um... I'm Vorian Atreides!" A senile smile spread on the man's face.

"So you're the Atreides who served the thinking machines, allowed everyone to believe that Xavier Harkonnen was a traitor, exiled Abulard, and caused all future Harkonnen to revile the Atreides, all the while becoming a 'Hero of Dune?' You disgust me. Lioness!"

From the shadows emerged Ghanima, The Atreides Lioness. With a swift kick her foot cupped "Vorian's" balls. However, there was no acknowledgement that he was in pain; he seemed to enjoy the kick to his ballsack. Ghanima did not dare venture to the rear.

While using Voice she whispered in his ear: "I love the work that you've done. Why don't you go back to hiking on the cliff?" The man hobbled away. Ghani turned to face Leto and said, "You know he wasn't Vorian, right?" Feeling confused and disoriented Leto removed his rose-tinted sunglasses.

"Why do you say that?" questioned Leto.

"Because he had a comb-over, silly goose."

"Summon our loyal Sardaukar and Fedaykin! Its time to summon wooormmsss. Its hunting season!"

---

Its a little different, but hopefully still enjoyable. For Leto of Dune I was considering having Vorian Atreides appear, but I just couldn't bring myself to actually doing it. I wonder who the mystery man could be? :wink:
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Postby SandChigger » 04 Jun 2008 11:20

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Mauve bib, bow chicka wow wow, Leto!

Keep 'em coming!
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Postby Hunchback Jack » 04 Jun 2008 13:38

Hilarious stuff. Incestuous Fantasies of Dune.

But wouldn't Leto's grandpappy be Leto I?

HBJ

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Postby Tleszer » 04 Jun 2008 14:59

Hunchback Jack wrote:But wouldn't Leto's grandpappy be Leto I?

HBJ


Chalk that up to either inconsistency or creative writing. Definately isn't faulty writing though. :wink:
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Postby Freakzilla » 04 Jun 2008 15:01

DON'T CONFUSE US WITH FACTS! :roll:
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Postby Phaedrus » 04 Jun 2008 17:21

Tleszer wrote:"I saw Halleck stuff his tongue down her throat. This is no euphemism."


OR IS IT?
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Postby Tleszer » 11 Jun 2008 20:33

Irulan of Dune

The former padishah emperor, Shaddam Corrino IV, lay dying at his home on Salusa Secundus. Much like this planet, Shaddam is destroyed. Historians would later argue that he died of the Kissing Disease. After much pleading with Emperor Paul-Muad'Dib Atreides, Irulan, daughter of Shaddam, was allowed to visit her dying father.

[...]

Fenring was surprisingly absent, though Irulan reasoned that Paul-Muad'Dib would not allow this cunning enuch to have one last audience with his co-conspirator. Before ascending the Golden Lion Throne, Shaddam and Fenring had successfully poisoned Shaddam's father, Elrood Corrino IX, but had failed to feed the body to government-issued (House) piranas named Pinky and Brain, named so after two famous pre-Guild mice. Their plots to take over the world continued...

Life drained from Shaddam's body. He dropped his sandglobe, in which stood a little girl and a sandworm, and cried out: "Mua... dru..."

Everyone stood stunned at his final words. Who, or what, were the Muadru? What role did they play in Shaddam's life? When will the third-person omniscient narrator stop asking questions?

Irulan believed herself to be the only one capable of learning the truth about the mysterious Muadru [...] her research yielded Irulan the critically acclaimed Butlerian Jihad trilogy but the Muadru still remained elusive to her.

[...]

"Alia, do you know anything about the Muadru?" asked Irulan.

"Tee-hee-hee. It worked!" Irulan looked at Alia blankly, then doe-eyed. "I knew I could send prescient messages into the future for Paul to find, so I thought that I'd try something a little different. I decided to influence Sole Man, who lived more than 10,000 years ago, and got him to carve out different symbols and attribute these symbols to the Muadru. I didn't think it would work. Genius and sexy, isn't it?"

"Y-you're a-a--"

"Abomination? Yeah, I know." Alia smiled and skipped away. Irulan could not help but notice Alia's perfectly round ass. Irulan soon followed after Alia and Irulan did what she often did when leaving a room. Irulan said:

"The saga of Dune is far from over."


Leto of Dune

A common misconception about Leto II's early reign as God Emperor is that right from the start he had Duncan Idaho gholas made. Not so. First he created gholas of Sony and Nintendo engineers to come up with an awesome videogame system alongside the masterminds on Ix. The idea came to him after an over-zealous Fremen over-pronounced the God Emperor's name as "Leet-O." Eventually the WonderSwan Color EXE Type-III was created, and the children were happy. Next, Leto resurrected Hideo Kojima, Amy Henning, and David Gaffe, as well as their teams, to create the next installments of Metal Gear, Legacy of Kain, and God of War.

Feeling untouchable because Leto had brought him back to life via ghola, Gaffe changed the setting of God of War to the immediate past, replacing Kratos with Paul-Muad'Dib Atreides. The game was successful until a mod was developed that revealed an inappropriate scene between Paul-Muad'Dib and The Worm. The games were destroyed and Gaffe was publicly executed.

Metal Gear Solid: War of Assassins, fleshing out the story and detail of a young Paul Atreides, although a rehash of themes from Metal Gear Solid 5 and 6, became an instant classic. This game was the only thing that has ever made Leto II give water to the dead.

As of the 100th year of the God Emperor's reign, when the first Duncan Idaho ghola was born, the Legacy of Kain series continued to remain in developmental hell.

[...]

The Duncan has been the captain of the Fish Speakers for two years. After Leto II disbanded the development of the new Legacy of Kain game The Duncan eliminated the developmental team. Afterwards he went home and sexed up Jazzica Atreides, the first of many Atreides females that he would bone continuously throughout Leto's 3500 year reign.
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Postby Tleilax Master B » 11 Jun 2008 20:45

Fucking brilliant!! I love this stuff Tleszer, keep up the good work :D
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Postby Hunchback Jack » 11 Jun 2008 22:02

Amazing. The scene of Irulan visiting her dying father is frighteningly plausible as a real scene from the book.

Next, Leto resurrected Hideo Kojima, Amy Henning, and David Gaffe, as well as their teams, to create the next installments of Metal Gear, Legacy of Kain, and God of War.


What about Rockstar games? Grand Theft Guildship would be awesome.

HBJ

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Postby SandChigger » 11 Jun 2008 22:10

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Let this one also be far from over! :D
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

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Postby Phaedrus » 11 Jun 2008 22:14

The Irulan/Alia scene is my favorite out of all of them. Especially:
Irulan did what she often did when leaving a room. Irulan said:

"The saga of Dune is far from over."
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Postby Hunchback Jack » 11 Jun 2008 23:28

Yeah, I laughed out loud at that one, too.

Nice work, Tleszer.

HBJ


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