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    The Seekers of Dune

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      Abandon all sanity ye who enter here

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    The Seekers of Dune

    Postby Demerzel » 20 Sep 2011 11:48

    The Seekers of Dune

    It's the year 12410 AD and Terra, after recovering from the Sayed Jihad, has finally launched its missions to Canopus. Of course, Terra is the home to two opposing factions, the <insert name here which oddly sounds like Atreides> and the Soviet Harkonnens. The cyborgified Marco Polo had reported the immense wealth of the lush-green planet of Terrarrakis, and that it was all for grabs.

    'Bob 'Helmet' Atto de Reis is one of my favorite characters,' says Kevin. 'Don't you find the name really clever?' He chuckled.

    So Bob lands on Terrarrakis to find that there are enormous trees the size of mountains and valleys as deep as upturned mountains. He gapes in awe, and realizes that he is peeing his pants. His entire crew is lost, probably because of worm holes or because Mimas is indeed the Death Star, he had no fucking clue. Oh he had to report that to Terra. But Sega™ Wire could only go this far.

    'Yes indeed, there's going to be bit about the Death Star in another trilogy we've planned,' Kevin tells the Press. Kevin J Anderson is known to hold licenses to both, the Dune and the Star Wars franchises.

    Meanwhile, Abdul Harkonnen lands on the opposite face of Terrarrrakis, and he naturally has his entire crew intact because he's evil and thus has the advantage at the start which will certainly lessen towards the end of the 900 paged bookwith his death at the hands of Atto de Reis. He also had time to be the first Terran to witness the Ultraspine Worm defecate. It was a huge worm which swam the waters of Terrarrakis.

    The following much-publicized conversation between Byron Merritt and Kevin J Anderson the day after the release of Seekers of Dune, almost as if on cue:

    'Uncle
    (by then KJA would have usurped the post of Herbert family patriach), so Waff tapped into the Ultraspine tissues lost beneath the hide of Shai Hulud in order to create the water worms!' said Byron.

    'You are a bright boy, lad.' Kevin's eyes twinkled intelligently. He made a mental note to pen this down in the
    Infidel Hacks of Dune trilogy he was simultaneously writing, which dealt with socio-political matters in the Tleilaxu culture, and how they were actually totally unsexist and also had gigantic Penii Cannons which were Tleilaxu males morphed to fire hobgoblins (the third human sex) at enemies.

    After a grueling 500 pages worth of sabotage plots, connections to the eighty other official Dune prequels, a political war back on Terra involving the neo-Nazis and basically an art known as 'sidestepping the point', Atto de Reis finally decides to take a sip of water from a nearby river. Back then, the rivers were saturated with Ultraspice, and Atto de Reis has a vision of Eywa, who he promptly summons by shoving his plaited hair into the backside of a Terrarrakine donket. She flies him to the now industrialized Harkonnen stronghold, which he single handedly destroys by calling in an airstrike.

    'I love this part. Kevin is so clever!' says Brian Herbert. The drugs that tame him are evident.

    The entire Harkonnen citadel is in ashes, and as expected, the Premier Harkonnen is left standing. A sixty page dialogue ensues, with Harkonnen threatening to summon the C.E.T. using Sega™ Wire.

    'Yeah I know what Dune says. But those were in-universe texts,' says Kevin, without being asked.

    Atto de Reis can bear it no more, so he picks up his RPG launcher and blows Harkonnen to smithereens. He then mates with the Terrarrakis locals and gives birth to Rebecca, who would be turned into an Axlotl tank when the events of Hunters of Dune take place a year later, finally tying up the Dune series.

    'Yeah that's why we renamed it to the Dune Cycle,' remarks theKJA. But remember, fellow Duneists, a circle has no end!'
    When Paul was three I found him wearing lingerie I was planning to wear for my Duke. I asked him: "How can this be?" and he answered: "For I am the Kwisatz Haderach!" I was proud since these were the first words Paul ever spoke, but now I knew for certain that my Paul was a special boy. I brought him to Duncan's room while he was busy "training" a young maidservant in the Art of Sword-Handling. My Paul shall be the best! - Tleszer
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby Freakzilla » 20 Sep 2011 12:08

    What is this? :?
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    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby JustSomeGuy » 20 Sep 2011 12:38

    Freakzilla wrote:What is this? :?


    Dune Asreal.
    I bring nothing to the table.
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby JustSomeGuy » 20 Sep 2011 12:38

    No, just kidding.
    I bring nothing to the table.
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby Freakzilla » 20 Sep 2011 12:43

    It looks like he's critiquing a book they haven't written. :?

    Trust me Demerzel, there's plenty worse than that in their real books you could critique.
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    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby Omphalos » 20 Sep 2011 12:51

    Whatever it is I love it.
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby SandChigger » 20 Sep 2011 13:02

    Funny. :lol:
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby Demerzel » 20 Sep 2011 13:21

    I almost finished reading Hunters. I skipped the Murbella and the Khrone parts. They were just too damn stupid. I focused on the parts that were even more stupid: the kid gholas. Everything was so tragic that I couldn't help but laugh.
    When Paul was three I found him wearing lingerie I was planning to wear for my Duke. I asked him: "How can this be?" and he answered: "For I am the Kwisatz Haderach!" I was proud since these were the first words Paul ever spoke, but now I knew for certain that my Paul was a special boy. I brought him to Duncan's room while he was busy "training" a young maidservant in the Art of Sword-Handling. My Paul shall be the best! - Tleszer
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    Re: The Seekers of Dune

    Postby Freakzilla » 20 Sep 2011 13:29

    Demerzel wrote:I almost finished reading Hunters. I skipped the Murbella and the Khrone parts. They were just too damn stupid. I focused on the parts that were even more stupid: the kid gholas. Everything was so tragic that I couldn't help but laugh.


    Just wait until you get to the end!
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    Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
    ~Pink Snowman
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    Freakzilla
    Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
     
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    Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
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