Terrib El Cognito

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    Abandon all sanity ye who enter here

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Drunken Idaho
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Terrib El Cognito

Postby Drunken Idaho » 01 Apr 2009 14:52

~ Chapter One ~

The mist drifting from the gaping vagina of the now-dead sea monster, floating belly-up amidst the fog,
sent a chill up the spine of Admiral Kevin James Blanderson, despite its warmth. His knuckles were still
white from gripping the railing of the deck during the battle with the beast. He took a deep breath of
the pungent fog.

A furious battle it had been. His ship was the last left a-float of Admiral Kevin's Ultra-Armada,
and had been lovingly christened The Peart. The Ultra-Armada had left the mainland as the most IMMENSE
fleet ever dispatched by Queen Norma, who ultra-ruled a majority of the charted territory known by all
as Terrib El Cognito. The fleet was made up of a thousand HUGE ships, The Peart being the HUGEST of them
all. Now, she lay crippled in the unexplored eastern seas, after finally destroying the monster that had
stalked and tormented the Ultra-Armada since it first entered the Sea of Mystery.

Dismay wrestled with relief within the heart of Admiral Kevin. He was joyous that he could continue his
mission from the Queen to rape and pillage the civilizations of the east for their profitable franchises,
yet devastated that he would no longer have the backing of the finest HUGE Ultra-Armada he had ever been
fortunate enough to command. Now he had only the crew of his own ship.

"It will have to do," He said aloud, into the tape recorder he kept on him at all times.

He glanced down at the men standing at attention below. Those who had not been eaten by the sea-monster,
of course. Each one was a fine example of the perfect officer, privateer, lackey, sex-slave, or whatever
position they held. There was one exception of course. His first mate Brian was a constant distraction and
a hindrance ever since he went insane from drinking the saltwater, not that he wasn't retarded prior to
this. Presently, Brian was on the poop deck, literally pooping.

Admiral Kevin sighed into the tape recorder, and once again feasted his eyes upon the corpse of the
hideous monster they had finally destroyed. Something about the position and the appendages of the thing
reminded the Admiral of his dear wife back home, Lady Rebecca of Mo-Yeasta. Just the thought of her- her
face, her words, day-trips to the spa- got Admirals heart pounding like the hard-driving beat of an epic
rock ballad.

It was at that moment that the Admiral made a personal decision. In a striking moment of originality, and
non-cliches, Kevin made the choice to compose a letter in a bottle for his love. He figured that the odds
of his return to her were perhaps slimmer than the odds of her receiving such a message, so it was worth
his time.

He turned to face his men.

"Scallywags! Despite our grave situation, we will continue our mission from the Queen. We will loot and
ruin all the profitable franchises we come across in the great unexplored eastern lands! Hopefully we
can find some nice hiking grounds while we're at it. Have hope and be merry for we are on a-"

"Kevvie Kevvie!" Brian shouted rudely from the poop deck, "Kevvie, I can't remember my ears!!"

"Shut up Brian... Please just never speak again..." said the Admiral as he wondered how long it would be
until Brian would propose a mutiny. He knew it was a possibility. He had heard the first mate talk in his
sleep, as well as to other crewmen, rather treasonous observations and complaints mostly regarding the
unoriginality of the Admiral.

He continued to address his crew.

"We set sail immediately! To the east!" He retreated to his quarters to begin composing the message that
would some day reach his darling wife.



~


Chapter two coming soon...
"The Idahos were never ordinary people."
-Reverend Mother Superior Alma Mavis Taraza

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Freakzilla
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Postby Freakzilla » 01 Apr 2009 15:01

I don't think he really hikes. Nobody that pale can spend any time outdoors.
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Drunken Idaho
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Postby Drunken Idaho » 01 Apr 2009 15:03

Freakzilla wrote:I don't think he really hikes. Nobody that pale can spend any time outdoors.


Perhaps KJA does, perhaps he doesn't...

But Admiral Kevin James Blanderson has ultra-hiked upon the lands of each of Terrib El Cognito's twelve known continents!
"The Idahos were never ordinary people."
-Reverend Mother Superior Alma Mavis Taraza

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Freakzilla
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Postby Freakzilla » 01 Apr 2009 15:08

"Blanderson"

That's good. :)
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Tleszer
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Postby Tleszer » 01 Apr 2009 16:36

:lol:

Nice one Drunken!
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TheDukester
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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby TheDukester » 01 Apr 2009 17:34

Drunken Idaho wrote:... Admiral Kevin's Ultra-Armada,
and had been lovingly christened The Peart. The Ultra-Armada had left the mainland as the most IMMENSE fleet ever dispatched by Queen Norma, who ultra-ruled a majority of the charted territory known by all as Terrib El Cognito. The fleet was made up of a thousand HUGE ships, The Peart being the HUGEST of them all.

You nailed it. Everything is super-sized in Keith's alleged "writing."

I had a creative writing teacher in college who used to say that "huge" was the biggest indicator of lack of skill that he could think of. It's a meaningless word, at least in terms of fiction. What is "huge"?

An SUV?

An elephant?

A house?

A shopping mall?

A lake?

A mountain?

A planet?

I'm pretty sure you see where I'm going with this. It's true, though: a weak author will rely on "huge" rather than use some other way to describe the relative size of something. Every time.
"Anything I write will be remembered and listed in bibliographies on Dune for several hundred years ..." — some delusional halfwit troll.

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Postby DuneFishUK » 01 Apr 2009 17:38

That is ULTRA epic big massive. :lol:

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SandChigger
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Postby SandChigger » 01 Apr 2009 19:56

Brian on the poop deck ... where else?! :lol:

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Hunchback Jack
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Postby Hunchback Jack » 02 Apr 2009 00:05

Brilliant. My wife was wondering what I found so funny.

"Lady Rebecca of Mo-Yeasta"

"I can't remember my ears!"

:lol:

HBJ

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Postby Redstar » 02 Apr 2009 04:55

Presently, Brian was on the poop deck, literally pooping.

Brilliant.

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Postby Nebiros » 05 Apr 2009 10:03

I'm looking forward to reading how the great Blanderson will pillage the lands of the east for the profitable franchises with just ONE ship.

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Postby Ampoliros » 05 Apr 2009 12:04

It's a Megaship he stole off that orbital from M. Banks' Consider Phlebas
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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Nebiros » 27 Apr 2009 22:18

Great but what if his ship must battle another sea monster. All the other ships were lost fighting the first one. If his one ship is capable of defeating a sea monster and pilliage the profitable franchises on it's own, the other ships were redundant.

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby SandChigger » 27 Apr 2009 23:07

If another sea monster pops up (and it will), Kevin will just pull a group of rogue pirates out of his ass and they'll fight alongside the remaining single shit ... I mean, ship.


You're really not from our planet, are you? Where do you come from? How did you get to Earth? What do your people call yourselves?

:roll:
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby trang » 28 Apr 2009 00:39

The mist drifting from the gaping vagina of the now-dead sea monster, floating belly-up amidst the fog,
sent a chill up the spine of Admiral Kevin James Blanderson, despite its warmth


This line just is scary... a sea monstor with a gaping vagina... trying to picture a sea monstor that would death roll to show its open vagina? hmmm . Also, it is missing the key word "HUGE" gaping vagina.

Was wondering what "Period" this was aimed at? you reference a Rock Ballad so I'm thinking contemporary?? you make no description of the ships themselves so just a guess again, contemporary Steel Vessels of ULTRA HUGE size?

A message to his wife in a normal bottle? This wont do....nono... he would have to have a football field size paper written in the blood of his and his sailors feet, and Glass Blown Bottle (from the Glass blowing factory aboard his ship) of Ultra dimensions to stuff in and send off to his ULTRA HUGE wife.... Better.


Just kidding... very well done... funny.:)
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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Nebiros » 01 May 2009 04:48

Also would like to read about Brian's attempted mutiny against the great Blanderson.

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Drunken Idaho » 07 May 2009 12:43

trang wrote:The mist drifting from the gaping vagina of the now-dead sea monster, floating belly-up amidst the fog,
sent a chill up the spine of Admiral Kevin James Blanderson, despite its warmth


This line just is scary... a sea monstor with a gaping vagina... trying to picture a sea monstor that would death roll to show its open vagina? hmmm . Also, it is missing the key word "HUGE" gaping vagina.

Was wondering what "Period" this was aimed at? you reference a Rock Ballad so I'm thinking contemporary?? you make no description of the ships themselves so just a guess again, contemporary Steel Vessels of ULTRA HUGE size?

A message to his wife in a normal bottle? This wont do....nono... he would have to have a football field size paper written in the blood of his and his sailors feet, and Glass Blown Bottle (from the Glass blowing factory aboard his ship) of Ultra dimensions to stuff in and send off to his ULTRA HUGE wife.... Better.


Just kidding... very well done... funny.:)




If this is based on any period (and technically it isn't) then it would be the heyday of exploring ships, so figure 1500-1700 CE. However, I have based this entire story solely on what little crap I've heard about Kevin's Terra Incognita series. All I know is that it's some kind of fantasy/alternate-reality historical epic about sailing ships in a strange and mysterious world. Pfft... Anyway, I just assume that this is how the story goes.

The rock ballad reference is a nod to the utterly terrible "rock" songs that Kevin has written and released to coincide with the release of the Terra Incognita series.

I haven't forgotten about this, and Chapter 2 is on the way. It will elaborate on the message in a bottle a little more. And don't worry Nebiros, the mutiny will be an important part of the story.
"The Idahos were never ordinary people."
-Reverend Mother Superior Alma Mavis Taraza

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Hunchback Jack » 08 May 2009 10:34

Drunken Idaho wrote:However, I have based this entire story solely on what little crap I've heard about Kevin's Terra Incognita series. All I know is that it's some kind of fantasy/alternate-reality historical epic about sailing ships in a strange and mysterious world. Pfft...


Right, for "some kind of fantasy/alternate-reality historical epic about sailing ships", read "some vaguely historical setting that KJA doesn't have to research too much about, because it's, you know, alternate history".

The guy's laziness knows no bounds. I wonder what prompted the foray into this genre? A belated attempt to cash in on Pirates of the Carribean? And the accompanying CD of rock tunes is just self-indulgent and dumb.

HBJ

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Nebiros » 31 Jul 2009 20:00

I found a sample of this Rock Ballad on Youtube. I wouldn't say it's terrible, but it's not an original work of art either.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp4BrvltK3I

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby redbugpest » 31 Jul 2009 20:18

Nebiros wrote:I found a sample of this Rock Ballad on Youtube. I wouldn't say it's terrible, but it's not an original work of art either.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp4BrvltK3I


I like "Here Be Monsters" better... I think for a first foray into making a CD KJA did quite well. You can defiantly hear the Rush / Kansas roots in the music. Of course, I am biased, since I like Rush and Kansas.

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Hunchback Jack » 31 Jul 2009 21:47

CONWAY!!!

Where've you been? We've missed you, son.

As for KJA "making a CD" I thought he only wrote the lyrics; an actual musician composed the music. Perhaps you could post the writing credits from the CD to clear up any confusion on that score?

HBJ

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby TheDukester » 31 Jul 2009 21:54

The musicians can all play their instruments and do all that music-y stuff, no argument there. But the lyrics are absolutely fucking laughable — they are a joke, even for prog.

As lyricists go, Keith and Becky are great hockey players.
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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby SandChigger » 31 Jul 2009 23:15

redbugpest wrote:I like "Here Be Monsters" better... I think for a first foray into making a CD KJA did quite well. You can defiantly hear the Rush / Kansas roots in the music. Of course, I am biased, since I like Rush and Kansas.

Now I know where you've been! You've been down at your local zoo sucking off the elephants to stretch your mouth, right? And now that you can give KJA that satisfying full-body deep throat you're back! :)
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA

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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby Tleszer » 31 Jul 2009 23:20

That's just plain nasty. :puke:




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Re: Terrib El Cognito

Postby SandChigger » 31 Jul 2009 23:41

Liked that one, did you? ;)


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